simply wonderful

my brother is leaving on monday, commence period

2010-10-14T14:52:00.002-05:00

ugh. my eyes are raw from crying. i don't know how this starts but i can not stop crying. i'm fine. i'm fine. i'm fine. and then i have to say my brother is leaving for boot camp and i completely break down. it's boot camp for crying out loud!

it's the beginning of the end. my worst fear is that he leaves and sees something that he can't unsee, or loses his spark, loses the person that he's become. he's only 18 and they are going to change him forever. and probably not for the better. well, maybe. he's gonna grow up and quick. 18 is too young to commit to something for the rest of your life.

my brain is in a million places right now. there's been so much that has happened. so much that has changed and i haven't had a chance to process any of it. maybe that's life. maybe there is no processing... but could we please slow down? i'd like to be able to hang out and show my brother my cool new apartment and make him dinner and kick his butt at playstation move. before he becomes a drone.

it'd be really nice if i could stop crying long enough for all those things to happen. but i don't know if i can.

me.. now...

2010-10-08T10:03:00.002-05:00

since my last entry my whole life has changed. who am i kidding? since three weeks ago my whole life has changed. and it's taking me a moment to catch up.

me now, married, working, living in wolfeboro, new bed, about to have a new hair color...

i have a husband. i love him dearly. but is it possible to love someone so much and fear that you don't know them well enough? i mean, erik gets me. i like to feel that i get him but sometimes i get so insecure about our relationship. he seems distant and i have a panic attack. that's normal right?

change is good but it's freaking hard. and challenging. and tiring. i've been sick for almost a week. i can't stop coughing. i don't know what to do. i have this knot in my stomach since i found out that erik and his ex-girlfriend are now friends on facebook. which is ridiculous because he not only married me but it's freaking facebook. not real life. i guess that worries me because they were together for a long time and i'm afraid she knows him better than i do, or gets him in a way that i can't because i wasn't there for everything she was. she's always freaked me out in this relationship. because she was there first and longer. but i'm going to be here forever so i guess i need to just take a step back and calm down.

other news.. i'm working at a law office. i've been here for about 3 months now and have no idea what i'm doing. and they left. my boss and his wife, the paralegal, they left and i'm stuck here at the mercy of the phone attempting to answer questions for myself and others. i have no idea what i'm doing but at least it's just me.

yesterday i spent the whole day filing. today, i haven't done much of anything.

it's probably going to stay that way too. i'm supposed to be meeting my mother for lunch and i really don't want to deal with her. she's emotional because i left and jake's leaving and everything's changing. well, i'm dealing with enough of my own stress, mom. i can't take yours too.

but i'm baaaaaaaackkk...

somebody call the whambulance.

2010-04-12T11:24:00.002-05:00

this is getting bad. the more i'm home the more i want to be out doing things. when i said i wanted time off this was not what i was expecting. i guess i should have been more clear. having time off is one thing, having time off without a car... very different.
even looking for jobs it's pointless because i have no way to get there. every job that's available is at least a half an hours driving time.
i'm still really excited to take classes but i don't know if i'll be able to because i don't have the money.
planning the wedding is some what useless because i have no money to do anything. it's five months away. we need to purchase or make our invitations asap and i can't do anything about it because i have no money. and no way to make money.
i'm wasting my days here. i know what i want. i know how to get it. i don't know where to get a car to be able to get it all started.
things like this were easier in texas. maybe because i was the one with the car. maybe because i had it all sorted out. but mainly because things were closer.
i wouldn't want to go back there in a million years though. we're so much happier here even if i have nothing to do. we have friends. we have people who know us and places we know where to go and what we're going to get once we're there.
it just sucks during the days when i'm trapped here all by myself with nothing to do but watch tv that makes me feel fat, eat crap (which is my own fault and problem) and look for jobs i can't get because they're too freaking far away. this is my life.
welcome to my pity party. tea for all. but i ate all the cookies so deal.

really?? really?? you think you can do this? doubtful.

2010-04-09T09:00:00.003-05:00

so it's official. i've decided to go back to school. and here's the kicker: i've decided to go back to school for a masters in occupational therapy. my goal is to one day incorporate everything i've learned about art history and occupational therapy and perhaps help children deal with the stressful times in their lives through interpreting art but that's getting ahead of myself. first i'd just like to help someone. and not by completing their phone needs. actually helping someone relearn or learn how to do something for themselves.
now here's the real iss: going back to school means a lot of things. getting off my ass for one. and going back for occupational therapy means i have to get my loans in order, get the classes i need in order to get into a masters program done; it means getting my gre (eeeekkkk!) and getting my head back in the game. and i'm hoping it means getting some freaking scholarships this year because there's no way i can pay off everything i have now and top it off with some more loans.
i'm currently looking into classes i can take online. i'm looking into going back to unh to take some classes there because they are ranked 24 for best schools for occupational therapy but they have degrees that are attached to occupational therapy masters programs already so i can't help but think i'm starting behind. i haven't taken my prerequisites. i have taken every gen ed i would need but not the right science courses and i've never taken an occupational therapy course in my life. this is going to be fun.
i need to talk to someone. i need to get started. i need to do it now. i just need to know where to begin. fuck.

my own mistakes

2010-04-05T09:29:00.003-05:00

in owning my mistakes i guess i would have to really think about the things that i've done in my life.

i've definitely done my fair share of binge drinking, drinking to forget, drinking as an escape or excuse.

i feel like i've also stepped on a few of my friends. starting in middle school. i would stop talking to people i didn't think were cool enough to hang out with. i had this friend nicole. before we started school we hung out every day. i got irritated with meegan because she ditched all of the people she went to school with to fit in with the cooler kids and here i was, no longer talking or hanging out with nicole because she's goofy and fun and perhaps a bit immature at the time and i wanted every one to think i was cool and sexy and put together and nicole probably could have caught me in that lie. so i pushed our friendship away. just like what was later done to me by amber. although she went the extra mile to tell everyone that i wore padded bras or something completely embarrassing AND stopped talking to me. forgive emily forgive.

i did the same thing again in college. i don't know why. this time it was melissa. bill wanted us to be friends but she started hanging out with me all the time and at first i didn't think it was so bad but then she was learning my passwords and in every aspect of my life in an overwhelming amount. rather than talking to her about it. i stopped talking to her. she defriended me on facebook. she was nice and always there for me when i needed her but i didn't want her as a friend.

i'm still holding a grug against my friend's brother who committed suicide or was murdered last summer because when i was little he would go into my bedroom (i was 6 he was 13) and take off my shirt and play with my nonexistent boobs. my parents only found out because i didn't want to go to dance class one day.

same as my step grandfather always wanting me to sit on his lap even though i was 12. i guess some of these things i didn't really realize were wrong at the time but i never had a good feeling about it.

i feel like i've used guys for sex just as much as they are supposed to use women. i've used guys to fix my car and take me out to eat when i had no intension of doing anything further with them. i've used my appearance for anything i can get from it. and i feel insecure some times now because i wear my engagement ring and people don't look at me the same. i need to feel more secure with me and who i am and what do that makes me happy.

i get uber independent when i feel i need to be, but when i'm in a realationship i tend to lose it. i tend to depend on others happiness for my happiness even though i boast my independence at any chance. i need them to be happy for me to feel happy. i need them to be satisfied for me to be satisfied. my Independence tends to come at a disregard for others and i can't mix that and a relationship so it's like a toss up.

other mistakes: i've cheated and lied about it. i bullshitted papers in college rather than actually doing the work i should have and perhaps then i wouldn't be in this predicament now because i don't feel like i deserve a good job in my field because i didn't put in enough effort. i don't really put a whole lot of effort into anything i don't know i can get because i'm terrified. that's why i've always dated guys who were less attractive than i was or needed me more than i needed them. except for dan. and now erik. they're the only two people i've ever been with that i value their friendship as much as our relationship. and i fucked things up with dan. but i guess that's how it was supposed to be.

i take my parents for granted. i take everything i've been given for granted.

i still think in blog

2010-04-05T08:28:00.002-05:00

sometimes when i'm just sitting around, i still think about what i would say if i was blogging. i haven't been blogging. no, i haven't been abducted by aliens. we finally got wireless internet at my parents house. i guess it's only been a week but it feels like a decade. i'm going insane. every time i tried to open my blog my computer would crash. i thought it was a sign but now i'm just thinking my computer hates me again.
all that time that i was asking for, to figure out my life.... i got it.
now i spend my days watching csi and cleaning the house and resenting being a stay at home. i want a job. i want money. i want a car.
maybe i just really want the second two.
i like not having much to do all day. although, i'm getting to be quite bored.
sometimes i plan my wedding but there's only so much i can do without a paycheck. sometimes i look for jobs but i've finally decided what i want to go back to school for so i just feel like everything here isn't what i want to be doing. i don't know what i want to do now. and it doesn't help that i'm living in the middle of no where without a car that i can call my own. i have to revert back to relying on everyone for everything and it drives me crazy. and then it drives me more crazy because they think i'm not doing anything.. which let's face it. i'm not.
i guess another summer of waitressing is in my future.

god save the queen

2010-03-22T08:49:00.002-05:00

ok, so now i'm completely crazy... and lost.
and out of the loop.
i've moved back in with my parents to save money for the wedding and the whole just moving back thing and i'm going a little insane. it's not the rentals themselves. they've done nothing but niceness. cook, clean, organize, allowance! who wouldn't love that at the ripe old age of 24?? but i'm trapped. i don't have a job yet, which i've only been here a week so i guess that isn't too bad. my car has this weird muffler sound that erik can't fix because he would need a lift. we don't have the money to fix it and therefore we can't get the stinkin thing inspected. (which if we were still living in az we wouldn't have to....)
but the worst of it is... there's no wireless internet here. and two gaming consoles. TWO. i'm odd man out every time. i'm trapped and lost and i can't get my internet whenever i want. therefore, i've been blog free for far too long. and i don't like it. i miss my world.
when i don't blog, i stress. i think about what i could be blogging if i could only type. i think about my stinkin' wedding planning that's going no where and yet it's only 6 months away. i think about... well, let's face it. i don't think much about getting a job.. who would? but i do think about what all you people are up to that i'm missing out on.
basically, i have everything a girl could ask for (family, friends and food:) but i miss my world.

the one where i snuck into my parents house and they forgot i had been gone for 8 months and i temporarily went insane..at least i hope it's temporary

2010-03-17T15:05:00.004-05:00

i know, i know... it's been a while. truth be told... i've missed you too.
but the craziness is......... WE MADE IT.
we left arizona reluctantly and at least 4 days later than i expected. at first we were like well, we don't really have anything to be getting back to and then it was let's go for a hike and then we like debbie... and the excuses continued. the worst was when we were like, ok we're leaving sunday for realz. sunday... the only day it rained and seriously? who want to take their 42" plasma out in that?
now all signs are pointing to why the hell did you leave? you know az was made for you!
it started with our adventure out of az. we hit up sedona (beautiful), the grand canyon (seriously, beautiful) and then trucked through the mountains to get to the four corners which i had never been to... where all four states meet. that should have made us turn around. we got there, after driving all damn day--exhausted and having to pee like whoa-- so excited. and then the sign (i'll have to post pictures later because i'm on my parents computer.) CLOSED FOR CONSTRUCTION.
SERIOUSLY? WTF? how can you close a national monument for construction? what on earth do you have to do? move the damn states? ugh. so yes, nice picture of me flipping off the sign. :)
from there, we traveled until our eyes bled and spent the night in cortez, co. we left in the morning with high hopes and the excitement of a new state.
wrong. we spent the next 12 hours fighting for our lives. ok, maybe that was just me. i think erik chose this route on purpose because he knows i'm afraid of heights. we went up and down every mountain possible and just when you think you've reached your limit. seriously, nothing can get scarier than this (unless, of course a clown popped out of the endless cliffs inches away from the edge as our car skirted around these snowy corners-- clowns are terrifying. no joke.) we were stopped at the top of a mountain and forced to wait an hour and a half for them to do something with the road. DO SOMETHING WITH THE ROAD MEANS CLEAR A FREAKING AVALANCHE. NOT COOL.
we got to the end of this insane highway after hours of breath taking turns and me white nuckling the side of the car (beautiful view, i just prefere a postcard.) we landed in ouray, co. beautiful is not the right word to describe it. this place was perfect. tucked away in the middle of the mountains. hot springs. just everything you could ever imagine all snuggled in between a range of mountains. we went into this little shop and the woman was like oh, you just came down the million dollar highway? in a toyota corolla? did you have chains? no? are you crazy? you are so LUCKY. yea, that's right. i had every right to be fearing for my life as we went through those 10 mile an hour turns in a snow storm. but then i got chocolate and a sandwich so it was all ok.
next in our adventures of you really shouldn't have left az was when the same woman told us that the highway we were planning on taking through co had just had a rock slide and she thought it might have been closed.
they have to have a detour route right? well of course, but what they dont' tell you is what should have taken an hour detoured into 6 hours of middle of no where driving in another snow storm with my car so weighed down that it tops out at 40 mph. yep. mack trucks are beating us up these hills.
12 hours of this up and down later, we ended up in winter park, co. still on our detour, crazed out of our minds with altitude sickness. i'm ashamed to admit i kept stating, my head is lead. i have a lead head. why is my head so heavy? i guess that's what happens when 11,000 feet meets no water or food. we ate an entire pizza and felt the same as if we didn't eat anything. needless to say, we were happy to be leaving and be back on flat ground.
so happy in fact that i got a HUGE water and a red bull and decided i wanted to drive through the rest of the way... ok so it wasn't exactly straight through because erik did drive when i started to get crazy and seeing things but while he attempted to sleep after driving through kansas, i got us through missouri (porn, god and arcades!) illinois (big trucks and rain!) and indiana. we ate breakfast and kept going. 38 hours after leaving co, i was sneaking into my parents house.

and this is what happened after erik had given up half his suitcase for me but tried to throw out a towel...

2010-03-07T15:05:00.005-06:00

during this move i've really had to come to terms with my need for things.
i have a lot. mainly clothing. actually erik would say it's all clothing. and shoes.
i feel like i store memories in clothes. that summer i wore that dress, those shoes i bought with bill, that night out with the girls.
but then there are other things where i feel like i hold on to them because i think they're unique. i think they have something interesting to say. like the towels from my grandparents house that they got in hawaii.
i know i shouldn't be putting so much emphasis on things. and trust me, doing all this and moving cross country with another person in a COROLLA is hard enough.
erik is so willing to just let everything go. poor guy. he has like a pair of pants and a backpack and he's all set... i'm sitting here unwilling to give up my 5 bags of clothes, two bags of shoes and everything else i've ever owned.
i don't know how i got to defining myself with things but it's happened and i don't want to give it up. i want more things but i won't get rid of the ones i have. i like the stories, the thoughts that go along with them... but won't i still have them even if the actual things are there? probably, but i guess i'm afraid i won't have any reason to remember those things, remember those moments, that dance, that day, that person.
but if i do give up that towel... can i get a new shirt? maybe new memories are where it's at :)

i'm so not giving up that towel...

a letter to my brother

2010-03-05T12:01:00.003-06:00

back story: my brother has been ready to join the service since he was like four. since he knew what the service was he was ready to go in. my grandfather, pop, was a world war two vet and proud of it. he'd tell us stories about the war and about general patten growing up. he lived with us for four years before he died. jake is my only brother, seven years younger, and he just signed in for the marines even though he won't be 18 until august. (and he's not allowed to go in until after my wedding... a girl can't get married without a ring-bearer.) we grew up with crazy hippie parents and he has been my go to man for a handle on the insanity that is our family and the whole thought of not having him around makes me a little nutty.

dear jake,
i'm not exactly sure what happened last night. we were talking about pop and hospice and i guess in a sense death and yadda yadda... which you know is weird but fine, whatever.
then somehow later in the night we started talking about god and our beliefs and being spiritual. barbara is trying to convince erik and i that we should stay here and we can't leave until we're in tune to reiki which sounds like a creepy cult of sorts.
when we were talking about pop, i started to get semi emotional because i miss him and stuff and barbara was talking about how much we helped with him and how special we are and we're such good people for helping out with him... not that we really had a choice. he's family and amazing but whatever. i knew things we're gonna be bad at that point because i got this huge knot in my throat and i was trying really hard to keep it together and barbara kept hugging me.
now keep in mind i had had four beers by this point and barbara was wasted (although i'm kinda tearing up now just thinking about it butttttt.....) somehow we got on the topic of you going to the marines and i lost it. i lost it like i did when i had to tell you that pop died. i was crying so hard, i was heaving and sobbing and i had snot all over my face.
barbara kept saying how you're going to be fine and you're not going to die and blah blah blah.. you're gonna be a hero like pop. but that's not what worries me. i know you're going to be fine. and you're going to do great. i even except the fate of things that if you were to die it'd must be your time...
she kept asking me what it's like, what i'm feeling... i guess she didn't really think of it from my side... having my only brother leave...
i couldn't tell her because i couldn't put it into word but it's not what she thinks... it's more that i'm afraid of what you're going to see, what you're going to have to deal with, how you're going to change. that's what scares me the most. i'm afraid of what's going to happen after you get back.
i've heard the same stories as you have my whole life. you know what you're getting yourself into, probably better than most people and i completely respect you for it. i'm just terrified of what you're going to have to live through and how you'll deal with that when you get back. i don't want you to change. i don't want you to lose your spark or become a meathead. that's what makes me the most scared.
i just wanted you to know... i love you and i think you're awesome. but if you become anything but the person that i know you are... i'm rallying the sisters in a convention and i won't let them leave until your back to normal.
just a warning.
love, emily

arizona

2010-03-02T13:13:00.002-06:00

time moves differently here. or perhaps it's now.
i wake up and it seems like the crack of dawn but i'm well rested. hours pass by and i either have no idea how much time has passed or i'm amazed by how long each day is.
each day seems to be more fulfilling than the last. there's so much to do and it's all new and fun and exciting. and the sun keeps everything in great spirits.
there has definitely been a weight lifted since leaving texas... that was palpable in the car.
i'm not sure if it's the fact that we're gone, that we're now on vacation or if it's just being here that's really set such a change.
driving, erik did most of it. i just sat, tried to entertain and looked out the window. i felt kinda bad but when i did drive, i realized that there's much more room driving then there is any where else in the car. poor corolla.
we stopped in flagstaff which was nice. i'm pretty sure we stayed in the hotel where bill and i slept in the parking lot only a year and half earlier. the beds were comfy.
in the morning, we learned about the tsunami to the west and snow storms to the east, as we were forced to say that we would buy playing cards for our new south dakota friends and send them out to them... (strange things happen before coffee sometimes..)
we drove out of the snow to the sun and the rain.
we've hiked and read and sat by the pool.
it's been the perfect break from real life and i feel like we've definitely needed it. :)

the reason why guys who play video games do not have girlfriends

2010-03-01T14:17:00.000-06:00

i'm going to start this off by saying, i love erik more than anything in the world. i would give him part of my liver or one of my kidneys if possible. he is my life. which is kinda sad but he makes every day better. he's extremely kind, loving and caring and he makes me coffee.
part two is that i also do not mind video games. i understand completely the need to let off steam into a different world. (why else would i be here?) i get the fantasy part and how it feels to take on a different role and dominate.
and the second part of that would be that i admire erik's love of video games because i myself have never found a love as strong and passionate for a hobby. i love that he has seen the changes that have occurred over the decades of playing time and i admire his observations in the ways of each game. he's so thoughtful and insightful when it comes to playing. this really matters to him and i honestly am more than happy to have our 42" plasma and ps3. i find that watching him play is more entertaining at some points than anything that i could do...
that being said, i completely understand why those addicted or even with a mild obsession do not have "real life" girlfriends. girls require certain things in relationships in order for them to keep going. consistency for one. girls like to have and give attention and know that they matter more than anything. they like being able to rely on the man beside them for certain things. they do not like being taken advantage of...
now maybe this is part of being "in the game" the mind frame changes and you forget who you really are after a while, but a negative attitude or a crude remark to a girl does not just disappear after you put the controller down (or throw it down). i know you may be hanging with the boys and what not and i can respect your time but seriously? just because you have a 41 kill streak does not mean you have any more dominance in the real world.
i understand the need to complete something. the need to feel like you've accomplished something or moving up in levels. hell, i'm on farmville. i get this. i understand that these things take time an effort and learning and analyzing the game. but real life does not have to be put on hold, people. you can go out and experience things and the video game world will not collapse. you are not by any means "required" to play. it is not your obligation and you are not being paid to do it.
pay attention to me.
if i am put on hold for a video game or scolded because you are trapped in your world, this is not working for me.

note: this is not a (complete) reflection of my current situation. i have some built up aggression towards video games from past experiences.
note number two: will follow up this blog by posting why i love/hate chick flicks.

leaving time

2010-02-25T19:16:00.002-06:00

this is really weird.
as much as i've been looking forward to leaving lubbock, it just hit me... i'm leaving lubbock and i probably won't be coming back. ever. that means everyone that i've met here (aside from a select few), this is the last time i'll ever see them. all the acquaintances and people i've enjoyed conversations with-- that was it. my last chance to say what i wanted to say before i, literally, had to hurry up and get out so the door didn't hit me in the ass on the way out. stupid revolving doors.
when i was leaving new hampshire, it was a well known fact that it was only going to be a matter of time before i was back. whether it be for a visit or for good, my family is there... my lifetime friends are there. there's no way i could stay away.
leaving lubbock is such a different feeling. this is the last time i'm going to have someone awkwardly carry out my groceries for me. this is the last time i'm going to talk to people about their stupid phones (hopefully). it's truly like a chapter is closing and i feel like although some things will always irk me about my time here... i feel like i really had time to grow and figure out what i wanted, what i didn't want, what makes me happy and just today, i grew balls.

the story: although i'm pretty outspoken, i do not enjoy confrontation by any means. i like to procrastinate things i think are going to be hard to deal with. yesterday, there was supposed to be a celebration for our team because we got number one or whatever. not that i want to spend awkward time with my coworkers as previously mentioned but it was AN HOUR off the phones and it was something i was supposed to be part of. except my manager changed my schedule. so everyone else got to go but me. (she devil, anyone?) normally, i would have loathed more, kept it to myself.... not today. today i had a lovely discussion with her boss. and although i'm leaving and i'm sure he's not really going to do anything because he seems to deal with conflict as well as i used to but it feels good to have it off my chest. (ok, so my balls are tiny) and it feels even better to know that this new me is following me every where and i will never be miss stepped on again.

so although i do complain (A LOT), good has come out of lubbock. i'm a stronger better person, who has a better understanding of what i want/need to do with my life. i now know what i do not want to do with my life which is stepping me closer to what i do want which is still undecided. i met some great people who i'll carry with me. erik and i have definitely had a time and a half to bond (not to mention this trip ahead of us which will be bondtastic!) experiences, right? who'd a thunk it...

needing to let go, any suggestions?

2010-02-24T10:40:00.001-06:00

i've been a stress case for the last day or so. scratch that. i've been a stress case for the last 6 months.
ever since erik and i have been in texas we've been waiting for our next move.
i, miss independent, am not used to sharing. i'm not used to having another person depend on me for anything and i'm used to pretty much doing everything my own way and not thinking about anyone else.
since i brought erik here and it's my fault we're stuck here, i've felt extremely guilty. i feel guilty every time i go out without him because i know he's stuck here, bored. i feel guilty any time i spend money that's not "us" or future related because all i can think about is how we should be saving for the wedding or saving to leave or spending it on food.
i had a straight up panic attack the other day because we bought funny hats and glasses that we didn't necessarily need although the hats have come in handy because we spent $50 and that could have been money we were saving.
the whole time we've been here i've been a bundle of nerves. i can't relax. i can't think straight most of the time. erik puts a lot of things in perspective for me. this is an experience. we need experiences. we need to let go of things. i can't be so worried all the time because then i'll never have fun. it's just money.
i'm hoping that once we leave here, i leave this side of me behind. i freak out all the time about things i have absolutely no control over. i worry about the future and what MIGHT happen. i'm not allowing myself to have fun.

this so much so that i think it's become the cause of my recent health issues.
it started off that i needed to get a pap smear so i could get my birth control. in that, i found out that i had not only bacterial vaginois but also i needed to be treated for a yeast infection. fine, whatever. that's done. actual pap comes back, ABNORMAL.
FREAK.
i don't have time/insurance to cover a dr appt here. i'm leaving the end of this week. what if it's cancer? can i wait a month?
relax. i feel like everything happens for a reason. if it is cancer, i'm going to kick it's ass. if it's not and it's something else, watch out because i'm still an ass kicker.
i've been in a rut here. for a while. i feel like even if this is nothing (which i won't know because i can't get a dr appt until april 9th) it's a wake up call.
i need to live my life. i can't stress about everything. i can't control everything. i need to have fun. i need laughter and silliness and to spend money sometimes even if it probably isn't the best of ideas.
(i've been kind of resentful of erik because i feel like he doesn't have the pressure that i have one me about money. he's more relaxed. he buys things he wants and does what he wants and i'm stuck freaking out about every cent we have. he has video games and ps3s and i bought a t shirt once. it's my own fault. he's told me from the beginning that if i wanted to buy something i could. it's more my money than his. but i always feel so gd guilty.--- again i had a panic attack because we bought HATS)
i need to relax.
i need to work some place that's fun and not necessarily for the money. i need to do things i want to do. i need to have more fun with life rather than stressing about each detail and what COULD happen. i feel like i'm giving myself health issues. (i didn't even mention the stress mark i have on my finger.. the last time i got it was 2007 when both my grandmothers died, my apt flooded, my cat died, my dad had a triple bypass and my friend almost died giving birth--- i'm having the same reactions as i did then. i think i'm probably worse off now. what is wrong with me???)
so this is me letting go. if anyone catches me stress casing again, stop me. i don't know how. i don't know what you'll have to do but seriously, this is my only life and i'm ruining it worrying about things that don't matter that much in the long run. and i could be making that run a little bit shorter because of it.

why i don't bet

2010-02-21T23:03:00.003-06:00

so erik and i made a bet tonight.
i'm terrible at betting. i never do it. but this, i decided, was worthy of betting.
erik and i were watching i hate valentine's day (which actually wasn't as bad as i thought it would be but still... ) and we had the conversation:
erik: did you know that guys a country singer?
me: nah uh. there's no way he's a country singer. he was on sex and the city.
e: no, he's a country singer. i can't believe you didn't know this.
m: no. no way. you're so wrong. you're mistaking him for someone else.
e: you wanna bet on it?
m: what are we betting here?
e: i bet you............ for two weeks you can't argue with me.
(this is funny because i argue with erik over everything and yet i'm always wrong. like 98% of the time but seriously? i have this one in the bag. still argument persists. this is usually declared as me lawyering something... but that's only the way i back out of something i could/could not have said previously...)
m: NUH UH. one day.
e: three weeks.
m: 3 days tops.
e: one week.
m: 2 days.
e: whaaa? you can't go backwards like that. that's not a good compromise.
m: yes i can.
e: fine four weeks.
m: uh... 4 days.
e: one week.
m: ugh. ok. (knowing he's not going to win this anyhow.
e: what do you want?
m: champagne and sex.
e: done.
** hand shake**
i googled it.
WTF. who knew he was a country singer? seriously. he's no darius rucker. just stick to what you're good at...... AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGH.

e:i think i even saw his video once which is crazy cause you know how much i watch that...
m: do i still get champagne?

ugh. this is going to be the longest week ever. thank god we're not stuck in the car for another 4-5 days. this is gonna be rough.

UPDATE: half me being bitter and hoping erik had enough pinot noir to forget/ half me trying to keep up with my side of this stinking bet.
**later***
m: this week is going to be rough.
e: you mean two weeks.
m: no, one week.
e: no, we agreed on two weeks.
m: ?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?
m: ugh.. FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE.

this is so not fair.

mystery tapes are fun... as long as they aren't in french

2010-02-20T19:48:00.004-06:00

i'm nervous. i just told erik...
his response: why are you nervous honey?
(put this sentence in fast forward)becauseihavenoideawhattoexpectandthisisexactlywhatitryandavoidbyplanningeverythingmyself
the only thing i know about tonight is that it's from 8-10 and i have to wear a white bra and tank top.... oh god this is gonna be good.. she said as she ran out the door...

well truth be told, it was good. it was more than good. it was fantastic. all the nightmares i've ever had about a rerun of my cousin's bachelorette party (aka sitting next to my godmother getting at lap dance while thinking there's no way in hell this bar has enough alcohol to remove this image from my head) vanished.
the tank top/bra was actually a warning for a thin tee shirt i would be wearing for the rest of the night (thank you kaylee.)
although, these comments were previously noted.. i was not aware of the little mermaid penis crown on my head until we were driving down the road after previously going into TWO family places in search of a scavenger hunt of 3 bobbie pins, 5 tooth picks, ketchup packets, a book of matches, men's underwear, a pacifier, purple ribbon, a super tampon, and RIBBED condoms. i sat in erin's car -- shocked that i had not only entered and spoken with numerous people but also I HAD PENISES ON MY HEAD. so in true emily form, i made up a song about it to calm my nerves.
i had to leave joann fabric because the girl couldn't get it through her head that not only was this a scavenger hunt and i'm on a time crunch and YES I NEED PURPLE, DO YOU NEED ME TO REPEAT THAT PURPLE RIBBON. NO I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR YOU TO GET A DIFFERENT ONE AND NO I AM NOT PAYING FOR A SAMPLE, JUST FREAKING GIVE IT TO ME AND STAT WOMAN WHAT THE ...
i didn't realize she's was probably just shocked by seeing so many tiny penises in one place.
so as we walked into our third family facility (with penis crowd firmly secured on my head), kenda and i thought it best to split up as we had 2 of the items. my job, bathrooms to find tampons or condoms. her job, everything else while continuing the search for the same items.
as i'm walking through the restaurant/fun center/place i once frequented so please don't let me run into anyone i know scowering at babies hoping for a dropped pacifier or one i could causally steal, i lost kenda. that's right, i'm all alone asking random guys for ribbed condoms with penises on my head.
after my round about of desperately looking for my sole companion in this debacle, i exited the building only to enter the next entrance (very sneakily) to hear kenda yelling at this group of three guys SAFE SEX, come on! apparently this is not the place to get ribbed condoms.
it is, however, the place to get a giant balloon pacifier made. i'm no good with balloons. i break them but this one was special so i kept it safe as we sped through the town, not a moment too late entering the lingerie shop where the party was held with just enough creativity to win our very own humdingers.
after round one, it was time for a quick round of catch the sticky penis before heading out for the alcohol. (i made the mistake of asking why on earth a penis that large would be that sticky...just as kenda stuck it to the counter...................it all makes sense now... sorta... )
we said fair well to the non all nighters and headed out where i not only got my fill of lemons and apples, but i got my pussy wet, had sex on the beach and finished the evening up nicely with beef brisket. which is how i'm assuming all evenings like this should come to a close.
*** best present of the night****
kenda gifted me her box (and by box i mean, tape holder of awesomeness with wood paneling) of tapes from a variety of times and mixes for the ride back. seriously, coolest gift ever. i will be traveling cross country in style with the musings of madonna, paula abdul and alladin. toss in a few mystery tapes and we're set to hit the road...

crazy little thing called love

2010-02-18T21:36:00.003-06:00

when i met erik... or should i say remet erik... i had absolutely no intention of falling in love with anyone. i was on mission me, i think. solely focused on my own desires and doing what ever i wanted. i had two little weeks left until i was to leave for lubbock which was supposed to be my bouncing ground. i was going to hang out here for a bit. help out a friend. and then from there, travel else where. austin maybe. arizona. where ever the world took me. (thank god for erik for so many reasons.. i might have unknowingly gotten stuck here. that would suck)
the funny thing is i didn't go about this relationship the way i would normally. i was so focused on me, being me, that i didn't for one moment put up a facade.
previously, i would have played it cool, calm, collected. sure i like you but i'm too cool to admit it. you come to me. (underneath this is, omg does he like me? what if he's seeing someone else? how could he possibly? ahhhh! nutzo.) this comes in tact with the perfect hair, make up, and baby soft body at any possible touch.
i think the first time erik touched my legs i hadn't shaved in days. i stopped wearing make up. i don't remember why. lazy probably. half the time i was in jeans and tee shirts cause that's all i could find.
i wasn't looking for anything so it completely took me by surprise when i realized he could love me and even more surprising was when i found out i really loved him too.
obviously it didn't take long. it's funny how that happens. when you aren't pretending, when you aren't putting up this fake person that people want you to be, when you're just being yourself and someone actually falls for you.
erik and i had one night at a bar, one day at the beach and one kiss under the trees. that was it for him. it took me five more days to realize he was serious. it took me five more days to realize i was serious.
we spent every day together. just talking. sharing our thoughts and feelings. thoughts for the future. no judgement. nothing holding us back. (and yes, eventually i shaved my legs for him..)
i honestly had no idea where this was going. he's an amazing person, but i had no idea what to expect once i left the state. and i had to leave the state. for some unknown, undying reason-- i just couldn't stay. and perhaps, i wanted to add it on as a test to us as well as myself that we could do it and i could do it and it was real.
i'm not sure when we officially decided that we were going to get married. four weeks later, he flew down proposed and then we spent six long weeks being engaged and very far apart.
i, some how, convinced him to move here. even though i told him it was ugly and the grass was weird and there's no ocean. i guess it was my last test. no guy had ever gone that far for me before. no one would ever give up their life for me.
it's been eight months.
eight months since the day i told him i wanted him to be my boyfriend. i wanted us to be together. and i wanted to know that it was going some where. that we were serious. some how i still didn't expect to end up here.
i feel like there are days where i completely forget myself and only think about how lucky i am to have this man who would move to lubbock for me. i get nervous and irrational thinking about how i somehow fooled him, but the funny thing is that he fell in love with me. the real me. with no make up, hairy legs and no censoring.
that's pretty cool.
and now we're days away from starting our life. our jumping points. our adventure. i can't wait.

unless you're dying, don't facebook me.

2010-02-18T10:07:00.004-06:00

i feel like there should be some sort of common courtesy law with facebook. i mean, you add your friends and acquaintances but maybe, not the local grocer? why would you ever want to become facebook friends with them? you talk to them once, maybe twice. there's no way unless you have some undying love for groceries where you go there every day and have multiple conversations on the topic and even if you did the likelihood that they like their job as much as you enjoy it is slim to none. i mean, seriously... who loves groceries??
this is how i feel about my current situation. as mentioned time and time again, i work at a call center. i talk to 50 + people a day. by the laws of the call center i am a) required to be nice to you and b) required to say my name twice and your name as many times as i can without being overly obnoxious about it..(actually if i was overly obnoxious about it i'd probably get more wow bucks but you would get pissed so i don't..) and i do not enjoy talking about phones. nor would i ever become your friend so you could get in touch with me whenever you wanted so i can fix them for you. don't even try it.
BUT yet, here i wake up with a friend request from a customer who's iphone i activated the day before. i don't see how this is right. and the worst part is, this isn't the first time. prior to my phone duties, i worked at a bank and the same thing happened.
this is my job. (for the next 7 days!!!) we're not going to become bffs. i'll probably never talk to you again. unless you are in dying need for more friends, we really have nothing to talk about.
facebook is great, don't get me wrong. it keeps my family and friends in check. i know what's going on. i can find out about things that happen to people i barely know/never talk to. but there should be a line drawn as to who can be your friend. if you don't know this person any more than you know their name. maybe nix it? stick to people who in real life you could actually associate with?
now that being said, i feel completely different about bloggers. here we are sharing our lives, if you wanted to be my facebook/real life friend: i'm all for it!
but if i'm working customer service somewhere and you just happen to be a customer of mine and i'm nice to you... just remember, i'm paid to act that way.
think twice before the add.

pre-quarter life crisis part one + female stress syndrome.

2010-02-17T22:48:00.000-06:00

reading this article about how woman aren't as happy as they used to be... i feel like it all comes down to choice. for example, i was raised by hippie parents who told me i could do anything. formality has told me that i need to be elegant, lady like, convince a man to love me - be the librarian and the stripper, as well as take care of him and dominate the rest of my life.
i'm supposed to have a meaningful job where i make a difference in the world. do something important. but i was never told what i needed to do. i'm fine with the things that i like to do, but they don't seem to be getting me any where. i have my degree. i apparently should be fighting for my field, getting my life situated and still enjoying it.
of course women are less satisfied than they were previously. we've been told we can do anything. we have options. but no one really states how when or where to start. i can do anything, but i have to go to the right schools, get the right jobs and know the right people in order to get there? how do i get that started? and with all these options, where do i start?
i knew i wanted to try living some place that i wasn't comfortable. i wanted to start fresh, see if i could make it. well now i'm here, now what? do i have to plan out everything in my life in order to get any where?

i have this problem where i don't live in the moment and therefore sometimes my life seems stressful when it's not really. i plan, i think, i analyze. i think through every possibility. this makes things less fun. but is my alternative not knowing or staying some where i don't want to be?
i've been given this opportunity to live fully. how am i supposed to be fulfilled? maybe (and this is no way anti-feminist) women have too much going on to be able to be happy and do everything. cause if you tell us that's what we can do, that's what we're gonna try. and then we become stress cases and have quarter life crises.

hibernation = coma.

2010-02-11T14:02:00.000-06:00

thursdays should not be perfect lazy weekend days. it's just not fair having the perfect sunday on a thursday and not only being stuck at work but knowing that there's a whole day that i still have to go to work before i can be lazy...
thursday kaylee and i were discussing this in not so many words. we had had a long night.
wednesday was steve's birthday. we went bowling. and although i did not rip my pants or throw up during a test the next day, the late night was weighing on me.
and it was perfect. snowing, just the right amount that would be wonderful to just sit and watch the flakes fall. it was cold but not too cold. just perfect lazy day. and i was trapped on the phone listening to people complain.
kaylee came up with the perfect solution. although, we are not allowed to claim lazy days as sick days -- we are allowed short term disability. hibernation, the bears short term coma!
this brought me later to thinking dane cook's distaste for girls who exaggerate. what if it wasn't an exaggeration? what if she seriously took a hundred hour nap??
next time there's a good, lazy snow day... that's what i'm doing. i'm gonna call in work and let them know that i'm taking a coma. be back shortly...

my resignation letter

2010-02-11T10:24:00.001-06:00

dear at&t,
i quit. muahahahahaha.
ok but really, as much as i enjoy working strange hours and dealing with people's incessant moaning and complaining about their service/phones/kids/husbands/data usage, i will be departing from this fine establishment of concrete.
no longer will i be bound by nagging managers, wow bucks and balloons. no longer will i be forced to attempt to respond to people while i'm on a call. no longer will i be forced to sell people things they do not really need.
thank you for allowing me hours of slacking off and doodling in training and allowing me to credit people who are just too annoying to get off the phone. thank you for good pay and good benefits, but that's just not enough for me. i'm sick of being just a number.
i'm moving on. february 25th will be my last day at this sea of wannabe cubicles. from that day on, i hope to never work at a call center again.
sincerely,
employee number 540066

dear lubbock,

i'll admit you have your good qualities: cheap rent, cheap beer, cheap food. and the birds are kinda cool. you keep everything you could ever need in one condensed knot which is kinda cool. and we've had our good times, though most of them i don't remember...
but, you're flat and dirty and you have more construction then you do main attractions. i have to be honest, we just don't see eye to eye. we never have. this is a dysfunctional relationship. i tried my best with you (well kinda) but it just isn't working.
it's not you, it's me. and i'm about to get my life back.
yours truly, or should i say mine?
<3
dear branchwater,
do you think there's a way we can get this cute two bedroom townhouse with free internet for $640 back in nh? i have no complaints here. just with your surroundings.
-apt 51

dear texas,
i know i give you a bad rep. it's probably just my own personal experiences here. i'm sorry to always be giving you a bad name, but seriously? we're not friends. we have nothing in common and i can't wait to never ever have to come here again.
i guess when i said i'll never live in texas -- i should've just stuck to my own words and not given you a chance, but here i am. i'll admit you have some interesting characteristics... but don't expect a postcard.
peace!

dear snow,
i moved here to get away from you. yes, you may be beautiful and fun when you first arrive but you're like that house guest who's only coming to visit for the night and 3 years later they're still leaving dishes in the sink.
i understand now that we are meant to be together, but maybe we can work on this relationship? how bout you only stay 3 months out of the year rather than 6? and next time i leave the north, you stay up there?
thanks.

dear parents,
thought you got rid of me, huh?
t - 17 days and counting... stock the fridge!
love.love.love.

sunshine and rainbows, minus the sunshine and actual rainbows

2010-02-08T22:40:00.004-06:00

i'm feeling suuupppper positive today and i'm having a hard time keeping it to myself.
all i can think about is how thursday --i'm giving my two weeks notice. from that moment i promise myself that i will never work a job i hate. even if that means never attempting to work a full time job. this is killing me. i hate being fake. i hate being surrounded by negative people. i hate doing things because i was told to and not because they're actually helpful.
which is why i credit like a mofo. that's right, you call me... i'll find something to credit on your bill. unless you're an asshole... or ask for it. then you can suck it.
i think the other part of my glorious mood today was that my manager, satan's spawn, was not at work today. everything seems so much bettter when i don't have to see her crack addicted face.
and i got a lot accomplished. i called the credit card company, i went to the bank, i made erik lunch and coffee, i went grocery shopping, i talked to my mom and now i'm blogging.
and i ate ice cream.
it was fabulous.

but most of all--- it's now only 3 days until i give my two weeks notice and start our road trip home.
i'm so pumped.

yesterday i was kidnapped

2010-02-07T13:16:00.002-06:00

ok, so not really "kidnapped" per se. can you be kidnapped as an adult?
anyhow, yesterday kaylee picked me up and brought me to an undisclosed location where i was informed... i'm having a bachelorette party before i leave and i couldn't be more excited.
as much as a control freak planner as i am (already mapped out our entire trip back, budgeted it and checked through pricings for hotels in each area that we're going as well as places to see and how much we can spend on food), i love surprises. so this is super exciting.
and i'm super pumped to find out who my 10 friends coming to this party are because i, honestly, had no idea i even knew that many people here. i keep thinking and listing and trying to figure it out but i guess i'll have to wait.
did you know that vibrating panties look like a cup? like one that guys wear in baseball? so strange. not so sure that would be comfortable but to each their own.

carlsbadass caverns- post weekend glory, preweekend style

2010-02-05T22:11:00.007-06:00

so before this weekend gets started, i must discuss the escapades of last weekend.
i'm not sure if i mentioned this previously but the only thing that got me through the week before this week was the fact that i, bundled with my friends, was going to get out of texas for a brief moment and for once erik and i wouldn't be having our weekend debate of "well what do you want to do?" "i guess we could watch a movie" (for the 18th millionth time in a row!!)
the destination: carlsbad caverns, new mexico
the excursion: load five grown up sized adults into one vehicle lovingly referred to as a mobile device with makings for beds rations for meals and beer to heed our overworked tongues and then cover for hangover temperatures in the depths of the earth
the result? well, you'll see..
the players:
myself of course (no picture included. trust me. i'm saving you. drunk is not a good look on me. as i'm sure you know by now)

erik

kaylee
the miraculous duo of kenda and steve
and then there was 8 rounds of kings. yes it's perfectly understandable if you are completely jealous of kenda's socks.
and then there was beer.
lots of beer.
lots and lots of beer.
post beer in the morning of the midget house that was our cabin, there was caves.
this is our team of the crazed hangovers at the check point. that's right. STOP, access your hiking fitness. (so we did..) no smoking. we were cautioned that this was a "strenuous hike" and "exhaustion and weak knees were common."

they should have warned: many vulgar shapes ahead. do not mistake rocks for reproductive organs.
that scared kaylee. at least she had her troll to protect her.

badass water drip.
steve will be your tour guide. obviously, as
steve explained to kenda and kaylee the diagnostics of the rock forms
erik and i were finding the super finger of historic proportions.
this was "green lake". i don't know if this is a western thing where you don't have much water or know what this is like to have it all pooled together and stay there but in my parts, we call this a puddle. i guess being 800 feet underground they might have different rules.
and just in case any one had any doubts on how much a cube can carry... it's a lot. we packed it tight. blankets, bags, pillows and 3 humans all in this area.
that's right. we rule. you can be jealous.... now. :)
onward to boring weekend of uneventfulness to make up for lack of sleep during previous period. <3

Seriously? Wtf Texas?

2010-02-03T15:36:00.000-06:00

This is what I'm talking about. Try to get into work. It's like they're daring me to not go in...
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

i'm not a stripper/ texas can sink to the abyss

2010-02-03T10:17:00.004-06:00

so often erik and i discuss ways that texas could collapse and explode. normally it's like, maybe texas can just become it's own country like they want to so badly and then they'll get abducted by aliens... or sink in to the ocean.. and then we look around and we realize that texas already is filled with mutated alien water creatures that have learned to live in desert country which is why their all retaining water...
today my thoughts are that maybe the reason why it doesn't rain that much is because there's nothing to keep it here. maybe, since there's no drainage in this town, it will turn into an ocean and all the people will wash away back to their alien underground space crafts.. so much for being hopeful.
anyhow, i've become obsessed with this song. i relate living in texas to being the same extreme as having to become a stripper. i'm peacing out.

worst case scenario

2010-02-01T10:57:00.003-06:00

i was going to blog about our awesome trip to carlsbad caverns this weekend but my mind is lost is other thoughts.

i woke up this morning with the count down in my head. the final count down if you may... as of today it marks the last month of our stay here in texas. the last 26 days. i could not be more excited. every time i think about going home and getting my life back in order i could not be more pleased. i feel like i've lost myself here. i mean, it's been great getting to know a new side of me and understanding a different life and figuring all those things out, but i'm ready to get back to where i know where i stand, i understand where people are coming from and i can focus solely on making things happen rather than spending every day waiting for the end of limbo.

26 days. and yet here's where my head is:
i'm a worst case scenario planner. i like to know exactly what the worst thing that could ever happen is and be prepared for it. i'm a financial nightmare too. i'm constantly planning, organizing and over analyzing everything in my head.
erik and i haven't been the most successful people here. i mean, we make do. ends are meeting and what not. but we don't usually have a whole lot of overflow and this is making me have a panic attack.
we're driving cross country and we figure while we're over here and don't know when we'll make it back to this side of the country... we might as well visit our western friends and family. so the plan is to head west before heading back east... all the way west.
i have family in arizona, plus that's where erik was born, so the first stop is willcox, az then to scottsdale.
from there our plan is to visit some people in california and head back east.
here's the panic attack. i'm terrified we're going to run out of gas and out of money half way across the country with all of our belongings (panic attack number two is that we don't have enough room for everything) and we have to temporarily live out of the car/truck stop while i get a part time job as a waitress so we can get enough money to make it home. once we're home i'm not so worried about it because we have enough connections to make it, but it's all the before then that i'm freaking out about.
i dream about it. i picture my little itty bitty corolla jam packed with dishes and clothing galore. our cramped bodies unable to move and the irritability that arises due to being in that close proximity to another person for an unknown amount of time.
i've slept in that corolla people. it's not fun. it makes for a very unhappy sunrise at the grand canyon let me tell you.
so i have a mini heart attack every time we spend any money. we could probably be eating cardboard and drinking water for this last 26 days and i'd still be freaking out. i need a mental health day to comfort all of my stresses but then i would just stress the whole time because that would be money i wasn't making and that much longer i'd have to hang out with dolly and joe at bubba's dinner.

god save me from my own insanity... please.

work now, 180 hours left to work for the evil blue map and counting..

figuring it out

2010-01-27T21:13:00.001-06:00

i feel like i should really have my mother tell this story, as it is hers-- but knowing her and the household that she lives in i feel the need to share it myself.
my mother is crazy. she's definitely my best friend and a huge source of compassion and love. honestly, i don't know what i could have ever done without her. i definitely would not have grown up to be the hippy, sarcastic (whaaa me??) fun loving, roll with what life gives you (when i can... which isn't often because i've usually already planned it...) person that i am. who else would pack up a perfectly good life an move across country to see if you can help out a friend?
that being said, my mother is insane. and recently, she had a spout of the unknown. she was miserable and didn't know her way out. she worked at a job where she hated the people she worked with, she and her boss weren't seeing eye to eye and she was coming home every night miserable and looking for some sort of outlet.
when she found it, the people around her who were used to the normal, fun loving, caring, easy going woman were surprised to find a different sort of crazy. it wasn't fun anymore.
thankfully she lost her job and when she did, she was able to refind herself.
she took her time. she sorted through the things that she really enjoyed in her life and the person she wanted to be. she was completely unemployed for a long time. during this time, she got to catch up with friends, learn new skills, learn reiki, and discover who she really wanted to be. she now has the absolute perfect job. she works with people she likes, that understand her, that don't judge her, that accept her as she is.
that's my mom's story... at least the part told by me.
what i don't understand is.. why should we have to wait to find this? i mean, my mom's not old or anything but it's taken her up until this point to find herself. when am i going to find myself? do i have to wait for something awful to happen? or work years at a job i hate? what is it going to take for me to find me? what i love and what i want to do? and where would i start looking for this? i've been pretty blessed to have "good" jobs my whole life. whether or not i like them. the pay is still ok and they still have benefits... i'm not getting left behind or struggling... but i'm also not doing what i want to do and i've never had the opportunity to figure out what that is. my whole life has been planned to this point.
high school, college, degree. now what?

update: this is what my fabulous aunt carol anne had to say...
Hmmm. That's a tough one. I can say this, though. If you get the mental/emotional/self-esteem/people pleasing/insecure/do I deserve it?/can I do it?/my parents are fucked up (speaking of my OWN personal experience) and fucked me up crap - you are 99.9% on your way there. Clear out the crap. And then tell the world to look out. Because, girl, there is NOTHING you can't do. I'm not just saying that - I mean it. Believe it. You are every bit as smart, funny, clever, charming, endearing, resourceful, intuitive, problem-solving as you (secretly) know yourself to be. Don't hide it. Go for anything and everything you want! I wish I hadn't taken so long to find that out for myself. But I had a lot of baggage. Drop any baggage and take flight!

the get the hell out of tx list

2010-01-25T08:36:00.001-06:00

this week marks the last time i will ever have to pay rent in texas... at least lubbock tx.
and as this makes it the last month that we are going to be here, i, being the annoying planner that i am, am sorting through a list of things that i still need to do while here.
if you blog it, it must be so.
SO... here i list the things i still need to accomplish before the big texas peace out:
#1 send out amanda's birthday present
#2 let candace know so i can figure out what to do with the bed
#3 pack clothes/stuff can't fit in my tiny corolla and send to madre
#4 hardcore celebrate steve's birthday
#5 have a tx bachelorette party with the girlies
#6 clean out that nook under the stairs
#7 send out thank god you don't live in tx presents/packages to friends
#8 write resignation letter
#9 let landlord know we will no longer be living in this fine establishment
#10 set tx on fire... oh wait, i didn't mean to say that... (out loud)
#11 eat Chocolate Stampede at long horn.... make side road trip to find amanda and put her in punisher headlock if deems cannot-live-without-good.

ok so i can't think of anything else at the moment... let me know if i'm forgetting anything

the still yet to recover from the illness of unknown magnitude blogger takes on redbox... and loses

2010-01-24T15:30:00.002-06:00

once upon a time...
oh crap wrong story.

uhh.. yea so i don't know if i've previously mentioned this or not but, as living in tx has always been a temporary fix, erik and i never felt the need to really settle in here. we have the absolute limited of furniture (most of what we have is rented-- except for our tv.... ); we don't go out much as to not invest our time or money in the real world. this is like playing house. we can pack up and leave at any time. and we will in five weeks... not that i'm counting.
anyhow, the point of all this is that we never got cable. seriously, who needs it? (or so i thought) instead, we have netflix. and when that takes too much time, we have redbox.
i don't know if anyone else has seen the wonder that is redbox, but it's magical. for just one dollar i can pick from a limited amount of movies and get them at my relatively speedy convenience. and it's just a dollar! this has been my life for the past 5 months. i think erik and i have spent more money at redbox than any where else. except the grocery store. (how can you spend so much money at the grocery store every day and still have no food?!?!..... venting, sorry...)
side note: i'm a small town girl. not journey, people. this is real. i'm from the middle of no where new hampshire, born and raised. when home, i have to drive at least 30 minutes to get to the nearest walmart (and they just put that one in, much to my mother's chagrin.) the nearest grocery store is at least 20 minutes (which probably accounts for part of my hatred of grocery stores...) and i can't even think of the nearest pharmacy or walgreens/cvs/brooks type place is...
our road used to be dirt. in the town itself there is a "general store", a town hall, and a library. we have two cops and i know for a fact that they go off duty at 2 am.
--un-noted side back--
so, when erik and i aren't feeling well and just want to lay around and be lazy-- we need to stock up on movies and what better way to do that than to go to your nearest redbox and get every movie you ever thought you never wanted to see.
well, the problem today was that (being as it has been 5 months) erik and i have seen everything at our local redbox. i, being the brave and daring woman i am, decided to venture out to a redbox that had said movies yet to be watched. problem being, said redbox= across town. which wouldn't be a bad thing if i was in nh where there is only one or two places to go... no i'm in lubbock tx which on it's on has 17000 walmarts, 80 walgreens and 43 million other places of choice. i go online, order said movies so you suckers can't get them before i get there (muahahahaha), and truck off to find the walgreens of choice.
i went to three different walgreens today. i got lost twice. ventured to areas unknown, only to find that i ordered movies from two different places. and when i set off to find place numbre deux -- redbox laughed at my mistake and said, hey you idiot, did you use the wrong freaking card or are you just dumb and have no online pick ups? or worst yet, did you drive all the way out here only to find that this is not where you belong and you just waited behind that creepy guy who probably got blood creek and is looking for his next fix for nothing? yea you did. go suck it up and get back in your car. sob pathetically. and find the next walgreens.

stupid redbox. these movies better be worth it.

time for more dream analysis!!

2010-01-23T10:08:00.002-06:00

ok, so i just woke up from this dream. first off, i was going out to dinner by myself. erik apparently didn't want to go... so i was going to this italian place... that turned into a grocery store. i hate grocery shopping. with a passion. so my way to avoid having to go there is to get everything i could need in one visit so i don't have to go again for a long, long time. (when i was living on my own, this worked wonders. i would go shopping once a month... just side note.) so, of course, while i'm there i'm shopping for some essentials... and while i'm doing this mild shopping, i run into this woman who remind me of my friend jenn from home (older, but still super fun; married, not necessarily happy all the time; caring; this woman wanting to look out for me).
so we're walking and talking.. she's picking up random things... apparently she wasn't too pleased with the fact that erik wasn't with me and told me i should grocery shop with her on a regular basis... which is when i told her i was moving (apparently we had moved back north at this point, cause i told her i was either moving back to tx or some place else) and money was tight because i wasn't working... she told me all the reasons i shouldn't move but i'd heard them all before and she told me her husband worked for a call center which i thought was strange because there aren't any call centers up north... she also told me she didn't work but her husband didn't know that...so when he came around to talk to her about the groceries... obviously not pleased to be there... i asked him about what call center he worked for and what he did....everything he said came out in a reallllyy thick accent so i had no idea what he actually said.. but then later when he's walking me outside to show me how we can see his golf course at his office from here i can hear/understand him fine....
and this is where it gets weird... i get that he's pretty high up in this call center... at first i thought he was taking calls (good looking guy with salt and pepper goatee) but then he told me about the office and his golf course which we go outside to see a bunch of golf balls and construction cones set up on the side of a mountainy hill blocked off by a fence...and he has two calves... one is a bit bigger than the other and they're knocking the set up golf balls down which i inform him and he yells, "hans! svenigan!" and then we jump the fence/ go through the door (i don't know.. it's a dream remember?) to go to his golf course. he tells me there that the smaller one sleeps in a heated room in the office to keep him small but the other one (hans, i believe) sleeps outside with him. he also calls this one duck for some reason. from there all i remember is trying to sleep outside and having this huge baby cow/yelling duck trying to snuggle with me.
which maybe because that was the end of my dream and erik was cuddling up... not that he's a cow or anything. dreams are weird.

ok people! analyze me! let me know why in the world i'm so messed up!
and if you try for one second to tell me to stop playing farmville, you are out of luck my friend.

the gloves are off, but i still have both my ears

2010-01-21T09:07:00.003-06:00

i'm not feeling very insightful today. or energetic. or well much like anything.
i am, however, feeling like at some point last night i was in a boxing match. and i lost.
my alarm went off this morning like it should have yesterday, but didn't. waking me up an hour earlier than usual and taking full inventory of the pains i was having -- i can't wait to go to work today.
this is me: head in vice. jaw locked. back (obviously due to multiple kidney punches) broken. my mouth been through a texas sandstorm, with my head out the window and tongue hanging out. glands, swollen. and best of all, bloated. and trust me, no it is not that time of the month.

don't worry folks. yes, i have a degree in this. you don't have to be sad because your drawings aren't half as good as mine.

as i'm explaining all this to erik all he can say is: well, how many boxing matches have you been in?
me: plenty.
..................... i can wii box like a champ.

a love story

2010-01-20T09:09:00.000-06:00

i have a love/hate relationship with my computer.

we've gotten quite close these last few years/months especially. erik and i have, as i'm sure i've previously mentioned, survived the last few months with limited items at hand. we do have a ginormous tv, but no cable. we have a ton of space, but no furniture. the pleasures of living life in transition.
this, however, has made my computer my sole source of entertainment. i want to listen to music- itunes, pandora. i want to work out- google something/youtube. i want to watch movies/blog/do sudoku/read/etc... you get it. we're tight.
the problem is... my computer... well, have you ever seen sin city? where only she can get her hunkadunk truck to run? it's kinda like that. my computer is like a scared kitten. do anything and you'll freak it out.
press the wrong button... it'll crash. press too many buttons at once? it has a heart attack, freezes then crashes. read ashley's blog (sorry, not picking, just mentioning... ) with more than one tab open, blue screen of death. just saying. i don't think ashley has some curse out to get me as she, too, is stuck in this state of wonderment called texas.... but then again, i don't know her that well.... hmmm...
i don't blame my computer for being born with vista. i blame myself. as a consumer, i should have run the appropriate tests... but i was young and in love with the color yellow. (actually truth be told i bought my computer in yellow because at the time i had no clothing that was yellow and therefore would be able to pick it out on my floor before i stepped on it...) i'm sure they've already found a cure for this ailment, (not my messy habits-goon, what do you take me for?) but i continue to just take my time.. type slowly.. only do important things one at a time as not to overwhelm... i like to think my computer is teaching me patience. that is, of course, until i find myself into a whole slew of money and then ADIOS!

my brain needs an automatic starter

2010-01-19T09:40:00.000-06:00

so i recently watched julie & julia. during which the main character states "i could write a blog. i have thoughts!"
that's not why i write a blog. i write because i have no thoughts. i forget things. quickly. every day leaving work and i thank god i have an automatic car starter because otherwise i would have NO IDEA WHERE I PARKED MY CAR. it's true. it's sad, but true.
one day, i lost my keys for 15 minutes thus making me late for my very important job of answering your phone questions. i found them in my purse.
i forget my phone. even if i leave it in front of my face. i could have it in my hand and ask where it was. can you imagine if i had glasses?

part two of my relationship to julie:
i have no power.
at my job, you call me. i'm not allowed to hang up. you can say whatever you want to me, you can scream, insult my mother, you can make suggestive comments (which has happened thank you very much mr. ka$hmoney-- no i will not be emailing you), basically you can do whatever you want and in the end, i'm still responsible for asking you if you are satisfied and your issue resolved?
i sit at my cubicle and scream over my opponents an coworkers--trying to get the best scores and the best feedback. the truth of the matter is, i probably can't help you. you don't know how to work an iphone? why the hell did you get it? you went over your minutes by talking to your new bf in greece? not my problem and i am DEFINITELY not happy that you called in today to complain about your service. again, it's part of my job description to lie to you. this empathy, fake.

so please remember when you call, just tell me what you need and i'll pretend to make it happen. if i tell you i'm happy, that's because my brain was shut off and i can't find my keys.

typical

2010-01-18T22:47:00.003-06:00

typical conversation between me and erik:

him: that's gonna make you burp
me: nuh uh
him: you'll be burping kielbasa for days
me: ...
five minutes later
me: buuuuurp
..... ok fine you were right.

i hate when he's right.

dreaming up a new life, or just an excuse to not go to work...

2010-01-18T10:15:00.003-06:00

first and foremost, happy mlk! who else gets to work? yay, non-nh!!

but truly, i had this dream last night where i was at my parents house and we were having some sort of party with all the neighbors and my mom was trying to convince me not to go to work... or maybe in real life i was trying to come up with some useful excuse to not go to work today so i decided to dream one up...
but it got me thinking, what are all these crazy dreams about? i mean, i can understand thinking about how you would want something to be or thinking about different scenarios but seriously... some of my dreams are truly messed up.
one time, and this dream has haunted me for YEARS, i had this dream about 4 lobsters. well, two lobster couples. the lobster guys bought their lobgfs jewelry or something, but the lobgfs were like-- dude that ain't good enough. so they went to this store to pick out new jewelry but i was at the store trying to pick out a wedding cake for my friend who wasn't even engaged and i decided instead to try and get the smallest cake with the most amount of frosting.
can this really be something that's passed on through generations, too? apparently my grandmother, mom and i all have strange dreams like this all the time too... does that mean there's something wrong with us all?
where do these thoughts come from? i swear, i don't think them up on purpose. and if i did, why am i not committed? and why do they all attack me at night? and can anyone else explain how you can dream about something and have it come true? cause that's super freaky.

ugh. maybe it was too early to blog. sorry about the rant.

three out of four ain't bad? or is it?

2010-01-17T15:09:00.006-06:00

things i learned yesterday:
i'm an asshole
wineries tend to be in the middle of no where
olive garden's soup and salad is not a complete meal if you plan on going to 4 wineries in a row
if you're male and saw star wars 3 times in theater, knowing a lot about wine should make up for it
laser tag is awesome
erik will never learn how to two step
anyhow, this is how it went...

this is the creepy van the followed us after we left olive garden.this is kaylee. our excellent driver for the day. we were not lost at this point. just in the middle of no where. and then i t so i made this face:

this is the middle of no where.
the dead bird that we saw at almost every winery... what's up with that?
llano... our only actual tour of the day
this gift basket pretty much sums up my
our tour guide

thus ending our trip to llano and we made our way to cap rock
i'll leave out the dead bird photos here... mainly because i think the cat ate most of it
and then we were drunk

so erica had to take communion

there's another winery in here but i'm sick of posting pictures and it's taken me all day so i'll just finish with this... this was the end of winery number two-- winery number three got a bit out of control. i wanted to steal a dog, we demanded pictures with everyone and kaylee and the wine taster guy started doing cheers. from there we went to the place of laser tag where i apparently asked some guy if he wanted to sleep with erik and responded to everything with nods of the head until the pizza soaked up the shot i took when we got there.... i suck at drunk laser tag..... then we went to wild west where erik learned how to be from the west side from steve.

and then erica got a lap dance...

pretty much a rowdy good time. and all day today i've been paying for it. worth it? yes. definitely. do it again? in a heart beat. i guess texas does have it's good parts. they're just hard to find.

oh and it's been decided that this is going to be our picture for our save the dates:

what do you think?

!!!!!

2010-01-16T09:35:00.003-06:00

i've been excited for today all week.
today marks my first real girls day out since erik moved down here and i get to do it with the only two girls here i've met that are 100% real. kenda (see lesbian lover from bar night 101) and kaylee, bff stolen from day one at att and my sole companion in the fight against the new shift/manager.
we are not only attempting the impossible -- hitting all FOUR of lubbock's wineries (i know, i know. not impossible but starting the day off with a slight wineover from the night before, this light weight doesn't know if she'll make it...) but then continuing the day of amazingness by going (and i swear if i don't get to do this i might cry) GLOW IN THE DARK golfing and laser tag?
these girls are going to make all my dreams come true. no joke.
and the weather's supposed to be great.

will update tomorrow with (most likely) pictures of our drunken debauchery... if i remember.

reasons

2010-01-15T11:09:00.002-06:00

reasons why i moved to tx:

hated my job at the bank
nothing really going for me
had no boyfriend, no hope of relationship
gallery work was going no where really-- although i was continually getting more and more responsibilities. all seemed mundane.
i worked 2-3 jobs and could barely keep up with all my bills
rent here= cheap (and the give you random free things like internet or first month free? what's up with that?)
i had a friend here who i thought i could help
i needed a change
nh=been there done that
family was a bit overwhelming
basically nothing new, i loved my friends but they were always off doing their own life thing and there wasn't much else for me there. my family is great but they always seemed to want something from me. every guy i dated was blah to the extreme.
oh and i could wear flip flops all year long. no snow. no cold weather and no shoveling!

reasons why i want to move out of here asap:

i met my fiance before i left nh and we're both now stranded out here in no man's land
don't like the change
working a job that's worse than the bank... some days..
tx= been there done that
couldn't help friend
i miss my overwhelming family
nothing to do here, nothing new
commercialized gun carriers
i miss my friends
it's hard to plan a wedding from a different state
and it freakin snowed here! like a lot. i came here to get away from the cold and away from the snow. i didn't even pack any scarves. it's been like in the 20s and 30s. i know that's better but i wanted like 75 all year long. maybe i should move to hawaii?

just because they decided to make my day a little worse...

2010-01-15T10:15:00.002-06:00

so, i already had one blog going for me today but i can't keep this to myself.
as is previously stated, maybe not so bluntly but---my job and i, not a match made in heaven.
things are expected of me that i believe to be ridiculous. for example, i can't just take care of your problem.. i must also AS A REQUIREMENT show that i am empathetic to your issue. i'm sorry (and this is nothing against certain purse pukers) you found a way to ruin your indestructible phone or things didn't turn out exactly as you wanted. i'm not a magician in a call center; my life is not to please you or solve all your issues.
worst than having to be the most perfect call taker ever known to mankind--
today i have to bring in a potato and eat it with my coworkers.
this job has included my hatred of grocery shopping with my disgust of having to be fake to make ends meet and my fear of eating foods random people bring in.
thankfully, i have training for most of the day so i won't have to be kind to strangers who are just using me for my skills at adjusting their bills... just the strangers that i have to sit next to and yell over for the next month and a half...

whaaa me? yes, please.

2010-01-14T10:02:00.004-06:00

so i was going to write this blog about how excited i am to have been accepted! and how 20sb is super cool and like facebook for bloggers and how happy i get when i get a comment on my blog and how i must be super obsessed cause i'm starting to think in blog...

... but then i had this conversation with my friend about what i've been up to and why i hate texas and how it's over commercialized and chain restauranty and there's not connection to nature.... which got me thinking:
is it possible that the reason why i hate this place so much is because i have no real connection to nature?
now, growing up with super hippy parents (mom mainly) i was saving trees and planting recycle gardens by the time i was 6. when i was nine, i ripped down all the orange things that they mark the trees that they're going to cut and made a poster to explain how if they cut down the trees their children weren't going to be able to breathe. is that part of my problem here? i can't breathe?
when i was 16, i went to my first peace rally. now, i'm definitely not an extremist or anything. i haven't been that much of a naturalist or anything. i wear deodorant and shave my legs. i like to think that i'm nature aware not really nature conscious. i definitely don't recycle like i should... now all i can think about is what a nuisance i am...
but could this be why i feel so out of place here? i wasn't raised to carry a gun, in fact i don't think people should be able to carry guns every where. there's a sign on the outside of my work that says you can not bring guns in. is that because we're all trapped in there with our little badges? and because customers sometimes make me want to kill people?
so basically, every thought that i've ever had about the world and how i thought it should be is contradicted here. why did i move here again? what is wrong with me?

UPDATE!

2010-01-13T09:19:00.002-06:00

my funk has passed.
funny how that happens. last night, i was wretched. i came home and i didn't want to talk to erik at all. i had had a horrible day at work (probably due to my original funk).
actually it wasn't even that horrible. what was horrible about it was i got a bad score on a post call survey, which means that someone got off the phone with me that was not happy with the results i gave. the problem is, i wasn't done with the call. i was in the process of connecting her to the group that could help her. i had to get them on the other line so that i could get her the best help she needed.
new manager only cares about scores. this is the first time i've ever gotten a score that was lower than a 5. which is perfect. so i got reprimanded. told that i obviously was only thinking about going home and wasn't helping the customer.
i hate being told what i was thinking or doing. you could ask me. i would tell you. you don't know me after 3 weeks of listening to me talk to customers. ugh.
but that was the bad part. the rest of my calls were fine. i had a generally good call day. but the fact that i didn't get the support that i was hoping for brought me home in tears.
i was miserable all night. i didn't really eat the dinner erik made me. i cried in the shower which i rarely ever do. just basically way overly sensitive.
but some how, randomly, for seemingly no reason--- i snapped out of it. and now i'm back to my normal happy self. i'm excited for the weekend. i don't mind that i have to go to work again. and i'm optimistic about today bringing me a step closer to not being here anymore. :)

.... and i'm reading the little prince. that might have something to do with it. i love that book.

blah tuesday

2010-01-12T11:06:00.003-06:00

i hate starting out a day in a funk mood.
i feel like when the people around me aren't in a good mood, i take it personally.. another problem of mine. i don't know what to do, or how to get out of it... (minus the obvious.)
yesterday, i took a mental health afternoon. i thought that would help. but with mopey around for the afternoon as well, it only spiraled my semi-good-semi-needing a break from reality mood into disaster.
i've been stuck in a rut for almost 6 months. and i'll stay here for at least another 2. i need to find a way out even if not physically. i'm wondering if they make drugs for this?
i need to find happy people who love me to surround myself with positive thoughts but in this area, they are nonexistent.
and dealing with more people who are negatively impacted in this current situation is only making it worse.
yes, that means you erik. though, you're not the only one.
i know this sucks and i know it's my fault. i also know i cannot change you, your mood or your attitude toward our current situation. i wish i could. i wish i could find some thing worth while here to get us through the next few weeks. but i can't.
i find myself repeating that serenity prayer just to make it through the day...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

and i'm not even religous! ugh. work time. yipee.

EDIT: MOPEY'S NAME SHOULD REALLY BE PRISON 214-211. sorry for the mistake.

how to stop worrying?

2010-01-11T18:52:00.002-06:00

so this is something i've been dealing with for a while now. i'm not exactly sure when it started but it's become an addiction and now i don't know how to stop it. most of the time i don't even realize what i'm doing...
for example, my friend bill and i drove cross country last (was it last? maybe two) year. the whole time all i could think about was when we were going to get to our next destination. what our next step was. if we were going to have enough money to keep going.
even now, and maybe now it's because i have absolutely no control over what's going to happen next but, i'm constantly thinking about the next move. i think and i plot and i analyze. i worry about money. i worry about boredom. i worry about my boredom and erik's. probably more so erik's because i feel responsible for him being here. i worry about what my next move is and whether i'm going to be doing the right things with my life. i worry about doing well at my job even though i hate it more and more every day. i worry about us leaving here, even though we hate it so much. i worry about where we're going to go. i worry about us moving back to nh and the people we might run into. i worry about living with my parents again. i worry about the wedding we haven't planned and whether i'm going to run out of time.
how do i stop this?
if you look up articles on worrying, they give you advice on what to do to aid your worriments or to just tell yourself to stop.
if i don't realize what i'm doing how am i supposed to stop?
heck those are only things that came to mind in the past minute.
i've even been to therapy... seriously. that didn't even help me. how to i stop doing this every day? stop counting down my life and start living it? how to i let myself let it all go? and worst of all, how did i get this way to begin with?

i blame college.

how to start your new decade off with a bang

2010-01-10T10:56:00.003-06:00

you could....
stay home, drink champagne and swing those noise makers. kiss your cat and go to bed.

or you could do what i did...

now to start this off, i was not raised in the south which means i probably don't say sir or ma'am as much as i could and i have learned to ignore those who annoy me in order to continue with my life and i do not allow people at bars to push me around.

that being said, erik and i were going to have a nice quiet evening in with some friends. we're not much into smelling like an ashtray due to the bars here and it being nye and everything i didn't really want to deal with the crowds.... but our dear friends kenda and steve invited us to this bar called crickets to join them and meet steve's dad jess and his gf darlene so we decided what the heck... it is new years after all...

crickets, much like most bars in tx, is huge. so we got there and just by luck steve was walking out with a purse... no he did not steal it apparently he was "bringing it to the car" but he told us where everyone was and they had scored a pool table which was cool because that meant we wouldn't just be awkwardly staring at each other talking about work which is part two why erik does not enjoy bars in tx.
(i find it really strange that here, the majority of the 9 million people who go to bars have a seat and they have a normally heightened table. in nh, you're lucky to get a seat and if you do it's one of those awkwardly high tables where you have to jump down from and even though you're sitting there's still someone standing at eye level having a conversation next to you because they could not find a table... )

anyhow, pool was fun. i strangely kicked ass which is awesome because i forgot about how much we used to play at amanda's. but i'm only good when no one is paying attention.. like i purposely screw up so that i'm not too good so people take notice... but actually it's an accident. strange i know....

kenda had been getting drinks for her, steve, jess and darlene so i decided to help out carrying because seriously if you're not a waitress you just don't have that many hands and i'm sure they frown upon you stealing trays.

midnight came, we cheered, drank our apple tasting champagne and continued on with our awesomeness of fighting for our pool table and trying not to hit the asses of the people who kept getting in the way from nearby pool tables.

round two of me and kenda getting drinks was probably the highlight of my night because although this situation has happened many times, the results have been different.

we were waiting at the bar for the bartender's attention and instead sparked the attention of some drunk dude. kenda, being the sweetheart that she is, allowed for causal conversation but after his "i like blonds" comment she quickly went to plan b. "i'm a lesbian. this is my girlfriend." now, if i was a lesbian-- i would be bad ass at it as well cause i don't really know how to do things on a smaller level. and there is no way in hell this drunk bastard was going to mess with my gf so i assumed the roll. he continues asking her questions like "what's it like?" and "i thought that only happened in ny" obviously interested in the comment rather than backing down.

which made me more aggressive.

i pulled kenda and switched spots, knowing my years of practice in ignoring would allow me to be able to get this guy to leave us alone. unfortunately, he was not getting the hint-- as he continued asking his stupid questions and why did i switch with her and something about the circle of life. he kept pushing up against me, like by becoming closer he would be able to get my attention more. to which my response was to push him further away and tell him to respect my personal space.

and this, my friends, was the first time i single handedly (with kenda's help) got a man kicked out of a bar for being annoying. my life has been mastered. i can retire from bardom with a new respect for bartenders (female ones at least).

now i must go to my knitting and puzzle making.

dead bodies/mutated creatures/erik's love of fallout not the band

2010-01-09T11:27:00.003-06:00

just out of the sheer need to tell someone about this occurrence but the fear of actually verbalizing what just happened-- i need to post this blog.

as has been previously stated, erik loooooooves video games. which i accept and love about him. what i do not love is this current game that he's playing called fallout. i feel that all the characters are like creepy dolls and the plot is post apocalyptic and everyone is distorted and disturbed. but that's beside the point.

giant cockroaches and mutated men who look like distorted versions of my friends husband aside:

erik just killed this old man who was apparently evil and was only using him to get a book--(which is fine, nothing out of the ordinary to kill a sweet looking old man who was only asking you for a favor....)

what was wrong was that he then proceeded to pick up the body and place it back into the chair while it was missing his head and his gooey head/neck bits were all over the place. even more wrong is that he then proceeded to look for the remainder of his head bits, scattered amongst the house.

and he wonders why-- someone with a fear of clowns, hatred of dolls and general distaste for mutated creatures unless they're neat like if a unicorn and a teddy bear had a baby but it was miniaturized and became fat like a hippo and lovey and rolly polly--- i dislike this game.

muahahahahahahahaaahaa (evil laugh)

2010-01-09T10:06:00.002-06:00

i have officially declared my evil plan as proposed by this website.
here it goes:

Evil Plan (tm)!

Your objective is simple: World Domination.

Your motive is a little bit more complex: Love (Yes, it works)

Stage One

To begin your plan, you must first seduce a pope. This will cause the world to sign up for life insurance policies, amazed by your arrival. Who is this despoiler of all that is good and nice and true? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good in a corporate suit?

Stage Two

Next, you must obliterate new york. This will all be done from a floating fortress, a mysterious place of unrivaled dark glory. Upon seeing this, the world will spontaneously combust, as countless hordes of mean english teachers hasten to do your every bidding.

Stage Three

Finally, you must tauntingly wave your time machine, bringing about an end to sanity. Your name shall become synonymous with fuzzy bunnies, and no man will ever again dare refuse to be your prom date. Everyone will bow before your mystical abilities, and the world will have no choice but to fall madly in love with you.

now, you must live in fear for my arrival. :)

the epidemic of the white vehicle

2010-01-07T10:10:00.003-06:00

so even though i haven't mentioned it per se, i'm sure it's been understood that there is an outbreak here in lubbock, tx. i swear it's a disease. and it starts with the color of your car.
actually, it probably starts in the womb but the car is where it's most noticeable.
i swear, every person here has lost their ability to think for themselves. people who are from here, love it here and could not imagine ever wanting to go any where else. i don't think they even visit outside of tx. if they do, they'll go as far as new mexico; think everything is the same every where and come back with a new sense of pride.
the people who are not from here originally get locked in to the cheap prices and fast food and are too sucked into this idea that this place really isn't that bad. maybe there's some brain washing that you can only overcome if you aren't that into football. i don't know but i do know that it's scary.
i'm more proud now than ever of where i'm from and the northeast's ability to allow freedom of thought and diversity of culture. it looks like the only way to rebel against this bible belt culture is to be homosexual and even then the only thing to actually do is to drink until you vomit crazy colors..
i'm really trying hard to not count down the days and hours and minutes that i have to stay in this state and remain positive for 2010's sake. but every day, i pass by this school, apartment complex and just random people's houses and i can see the plethora of white vehicles, i'm reminded of the inability for one to make their own decisions here. how the only thing that matters is status and who can drink the most, and how i can not wait to see cars of a different color.

i just fell in love..

2010-01-03T12:23:00.001-06:00

watch this

i haven't even seen this movie, but after watching this, i know i have to..

goals for 2010

2010-01-03T11:59:00.002-06:00

i just read this blog: http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1JHmS6/www.lifereboot.com/2010/10-things-i-wish-someone-told-me-10-years-ago/ (thanks to amy for finding stumbleupon.com... love it!)
shaun discusses his previous year and the top 1o things he wished that someone had told him 10 years ago. that's fine and mighty but one thing that he mentioned that he does is create a list of goals each year... i like this better than the word resolutions so i'm going to list out my "goals" for this year.
goal #1: get the hell out of lubbock. i don't know if this place is really as bad as i think it is or if i'm just bitter because of everything that's happened, but i know one thing. i need to leave this place. erik and i are trapped. there's nothing to do, everything is commercialized, materialistic and bland all at the same time. there's no flavor here, and if there is flavor it'll land you in the bathroom. we've completely exhausted our list of things to do in lubbock: drink, drink at a bar, go to the movies, watch movies or eat at a chain restaurant. done, done and done. now get me out.
goal #2: this is going to be a bit more difficult since the other part is mainly planned already- just needing to get out of this lease and need the funding for it. goal #2 is to plan our dream wedding. now as i've stated before, i'm not the type of girl that already had their dress and location already picked out. i didn't think this was going to happen for another million years but i met the man of my dreams and now i can't wait to be married and spend the rest of our lives together. i think once we're out of this hell hole it'll be easier to plan because that can be the main focus but i do want it to be the best day of our lives (to date at least).
goal #3: to read more. actually i think this may have been on the list of "resolutions" last year but i didn't even think of it. i'd really like to read eat, pray, love before i get married since she warns people against getting married before the age of 25. ( i'll be 25 two weeks after we get hitched) i feel like there's a whole world of knowledge out there and i've only begun to really look at it.
goal #4: find some place and begin to settle down. i know that sounds easy but living some place for over 6 months where you know you aren't going to stay is hard work. you don't really have a home, living in transition. you don't make the friends you need, you don't do a whole lot because you know it's only temporary. now erik and i are moving out of lubbock, where we hate and do not want to be and have not made a home in the least, to move in with my parents so we can save money and plan our wedding without having to worry about making rent and any other troubles that may occur... but that's not our home and we're definitely not going to stay there or make ourselves comfortable. by the end of 2010, i'd like to know where we're going to be and know that we can stay there and buy things and decorate and make friends without being like -- oh you'll have to visit when we leave.
goal#5 : and with the previous goal, i'd like to work some place that i like. that i enjoy. that i don't get up and dread the next 8-9 hours and can't wait for any time off. now, my job is great if that's what you're looking for, but it's not me. it's not what i want, i'm not surrounded by the type of people that i enjoy being with... i liked that about my previous jobs at least. this is work just to make conversation with these people. ugh.

i think those are some pretty hefty goals. i could make some easier goals to make sure i hit them like, continue posting in my blog, don't get sidetracked from what i want to do, continue my gratitude journal, write a book, make sure i do my laundry more than once a month... maybe those can be goals part two. that list will be a bit longer. i'll have to keep that updated...

for now... goal #1 is my biggest concern.

achievements for 2009

2009-12-31T11:48:00.000-06:00

achievements for 2009:
i ran both a 5k and a 10k. the 10k was without much training too due to me not knowing if i was going to do it and my meeting erik two weeks before the race.
i met erik, i fell in love and i'm getting married. that's an amazing accomplishment coming from someone who never thought that they would get married or would get married out of boredom or something...
i moved to texas. yea, this one kinda sucked but allowed me to figure out what i really wanted and what i liked and didn't like being on my own. it was a goal to get out of new hampshire and i achieved it and now i can move on.
i started two blogs (first one semi unsuccessful). gives me something to do and a way to keep track of my life and figure everything out in writing.
i drove cross country with my brother.
i survived being unemployed.
i quit a job i hated even though it's a recession.
i figured more out about who i am, what i want out of life and who i want to be there with me. it's funny moving, you figure out who you really want to spend your life with... and i definitely have some real friends.
i'm sure there's more but that's all i can think of right now.

things i didn't achieve would have been my resolutions for the previous year:
to floss more, to wear my seat belt all the time and to not drink as much... stupid resolutions. it's like once you say that it's your rez you're done for and that ONE thing you won't accomplish but everything else you didn't even think about when that ball dropped... done. wtf...

day one of new shift

2009-12-28T18:36:00.000-06:00

Today started much like any day...
Ok even that's a lie. Today started... Early. Erik and I went to bed at 830 last night so I got up this morning, got ready and left the house by ten after nine in order to pay my $214 ticket only to find out that even so, I'd still have two points on my license for being under 25.
Then Erik drove me to work after I vented to him all my mornings sorrows- early again.
Yes today was my first day of my new (was told I would never get) shift which is 30 minutes earlier. No biggie right? I should be able to stay at my same desk and everything? Wrong. I'm moving to the back of the mod and not only is my new manager all business but she's a clapper.
That's right. She cheers every time you do something well... Which I hate.
Ugh. And just when I thought I wouldn't be counting the moments til I left. Now I have to pretend to be happy here too.

dec. 20

2009-12-20T20:42:00.002-06:00

first of all, happy birthday amanda! 25 woot woot!!

now that being said, and since amanda is one of my two bride's maids, i have a LOT of wedding planning to do yet...
i made a list earlier today and i'm sure i'm forgetting a lot but here it goes:

· Plan our wedding

o Pick out bride’s maids dresses

o Figure out what Ashley is going to wear

o Figure out what we’re going to do about a caterer

o Save money

o Pay for the photographer

o Buy rings

o Buy invitations

o Figure out what invitations we like

o Buy a printer?

o Figure out how much the flowers are going to cost

o What to do about centerpieces?

o Chairs

o Tablecloths, candles, Christmas lights

o Pick out rings

o Address and send out invitations

o Figure out what we’re going to do about an officiate

o Finalize guest list

o Get addresses

o Find a dj

o Find out how much it’s going to cost and how long we’re going to have him

o Get dress altered

o Start getting fit again

o Find shoes for wedding

and that's just the wedding part. this includes nothing of moving and everything else i have to get accomplished before then.
holy moly. and erik thinks we have plenty of time...

sometimes...

2009-12-12T16:22:00.002-06:00

sometimes i forget that erik knows his options. i forget that he chose me, out of everyone else in the world to spend the rest of his life with. i start thinking about how maybe he'd be happier some where else, or maybe he wonders if he made the right choice? how could he possibly want to be with me? someone who asks a million questions and worries and analyzes every situation to a fault... someone who is constantly thinking ahead rather than living in the moment...
i mean don't get me wrong, i am fabulous and wonderful and every man's dream wife to be (although most of that is often forgotten in my mind of chaos and worries..) sometimes, i look at myself and i worry that i'm not the person i was that he fell in love with or that he'll find something else that he likes more and i freak myself out because all i can think about is how lucky i am to have this amazing man in my life and how on earth could i ever live with out him now?
but he's pretty gosh darn lucky too.... and he chose me. :)

perfect sunday

2009-12-06T16:03:00.002-06:00

i woke up this morning in our warm bed only to remember that -- i don't have to work today! after some amazing snuggling, i got into more appropriate pjs to head to the grocery store to get some coffee only to find out that it was absolutely beautiful outside!
rented a few movies, picked up a duralog for later to have a fire later and headed home.
erik and i drank coffee while watching movie 1 and farming.
afterwards, i read a little then decided to take a bath and scrub off all the dead gross winter skin. feeling refreshed, we decided to head out to the llano winery.
on the way... we checked out the scenery of dead cotton fields, oil rigs and windmills.
now it's only 4 pm and we still have movie2, a bottle of wine and a fire to look forward too. perfect.

o and we stole some cotton. whud up?

...

2009-12-04T10:05:00.002-06:00

so i guess the verdict is that we're moving to new hampshire, but open for all possibilities.

6 am rant

2009-12-04T06:42:00.003-06:00

so i don't know if it's because erik is sleeping diagonally across the entire bed or if the fact that i've slept at least 10 hours since rearriving in texas has anything to do with it but i woke up this morning at 5 am and i realized one thing...

we have to move back to new hampshire.

it makes so much more sense. i mean, we both had jobs we didn't mind there. our families are there. we have friends there that we've both discussed missing a bunch. we have (at least i have) a slew of furniture so we wouldn't have to worry about getting all new stuff right away. plus, that way we could plan our wedding and not have to worry about whether or not we'll have to buy plane tickets and how much that's going to go up and where we're going to stay. i'm sure we even have enough places to stay that we wouldn't even have to worry about getting a place right away... which is good because i spend most nights worrying about our finances and how we're going to be able to do everything we want to.

i moved here because i wanted a change. i was bored at the direction my life was going and i didn't think nh had anything to offer me. i thought by moving here it would be a jumping point to go where ever i want. i have no idea where i want to go.

erik and i were discussing this evening about my quarter life crisis. i feel like there are so many things i want to accomplish and no idea where to start. laying in bed this morning, all i could think about was how much happier i would be if i didn't have to worry about all this. if my degree didn't mean nothing. i was working a job i didn't mind and it had some potential... maybe, eventually but the fact of the matter is that i liked it. i liked working at the nhaa. it made me feel like i was doing something and i was helping an organization where my ideas mattered and what i did mattered. now i don't think i could go back to portsmouth, but why not conquer one state or one city at a time? why do i think i have to move and get out and do all this now?

i'm already drafting emails in my head to my old boss to see if there's a chance i could get my job back. i mean, yes i have to run this all by erik... and i probably won't post this until i do. but there's still so much i could accomplish and so much we could do by going back. and there's always the opportunity that one day, our jobs or passions will lead us some where else. when we were discussing moving, erik said that we should find some place to go and stick to it. we should figure out where we want to live and stay there. i have always thought it was your career that was supposed to lead you to different places. why not like what you do rather than just trudge through each day? it just seems like right now... it makes more sense to be back in nh.

it's like we've already been on our honeymoon here... a stressful honeymoon but it's just the two of us. we need to get back to real life. and at least by the time we get there, it'll almost be summer again...

where to go? what to do?

2009-12-03T10:12:00.002-06:00

we have approx. 87 days left here in lubbock. at least until the end of our lease.
i think by this point we've made it very clear that lubbock is not the place for us.
people here in texas are quite strange and not normal. or at least what i believe to be normal. there's something off about them. all they know how to do is drink and social interactions aside from that are hazy. i don't get their humor if they have any and i'm starting to understand why candace is a hermit. going out any where in this area is more of a hassle than a good time.
but where to go?
things i know for sure are that i want to be closer to people i understand, perhaps even people i know. i want to be close to the beach and have an affordable gym nearby (as fat as the people are here to join a gym it's like 80 a month with a 200 signing fee...). i want to be able to enjoy the weather, most of the year anyhow... i guess i could even say some snow isn't bad as long as it's not the majority of the year.
i know i'm going to need a good job.
i feel like i'm at a weird point in my life right now where i want things to start wrapping up. i want to be in a job where i like going to work every day and around people i enjoy being with... i haven't found that here.
i know that being with erik, i feel like everything is new and special and different. finding the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, i feel like i have different priorities now. i'll always want to do whatever makes myself happy but it's not all about me. i think maybe that's why making a decision on where we're going to go next is so hard.
i like the east coast and there are things that i miss about nh. mainly the people i know and love, but there are so many things that i don't miss enough to go back just yet... all though maybe i haven't given them the right chance? i mean, being with erik, everything's different so maybe it wouldn't be so bad to be in the same state i grew up in? closer to my family and the people i've grown to love like family?
but what would i do there? work at a bank again? no thank you. i could go back to school i guess and maybe some place like manchester or concord would have more to offer than i've given it credit for in the past. i haven't really explored that world before... although it's still pretty far from the beach.
there would be pluses about moving some place warm on the east coast too. i mean, tickets aren't that expensive to fly from north carolina or south carolina back home. and it would give us the opportunity to make friends (hopefully) with people who just knew us together rather than separate. also, i feel like it's a new market for jobs and houses and people could visit us to get away... although the likelihood that people would visit is few and far in between-- i realize this from living here... it's kinda of nice being able to define us away from nh even if it's always in our minds.
but would we like it some where else? is it worth the risk of trying some place else and possibly hating it as much as we do here?
ugh, so many questions... i guess only time can answer. i'm terrified it's going to come down to the last moment and we're gonna be like so where are we going? and not have an answer.

snow... yay!

2009-12-01T15:11:00.000-06:00

there's snow in texas.

i thought i moved here to get away from snow and shoveling and cold weather.

i think it's stalking me.

things that i'm grateful for...

2009-11-26T15:28:00.000-06:00

i'm thankful for a day off
i'm thankful for erik, for everything that he does and him helping me keep my sanity
i'm thankful for only having to be here for a few more months here
i'm thankful for battleship and wine
i'm so thankful for movies because otherwise there wouldn't be much to do
i'm thankful for warm weather
i'm thankful for my family and friends
i'm thankful my phone is working so i can keep in touch with all of them
i'm thankful for having a job that pays
i'm thankful for mail--- it's something different to look forward too
i'm thankful for caffeine.................................. and sleeping....................

..................................................i guess i'll have to add to this list .............

grumpy

2009-11-25T13:58:00.002-06:00

so we're discussing moving to south carolina. i have a friend there--- this sounds like a bad start... but--- i have a friend there that owns a gym... and some family near by that i haven't talked to in ages....
damn, that sounds like the same way i got here.
maybe we need to think this through a little more.
i was trying to figure out what it is exactly about this place that i hate so much.
i don't know if it's the place so much as the fact that we just aren't happy. we don't have a whole lot going on, we don't have many friends and we end up doing the same thing every day.
i wake up when erik goes downstairs to make breakfast, coffee, morning, get ready for work, work 9 long hours at a job that every day makes me hate it a little more.... (yesterday i forgot to log out of my phone while i was on lunch which means that calls came through and i wasn't there to handle them -- therefore not showing our customers how much we care) ...then i come home, make/eat dinner, maybe drink a little wine, take care of my farm, possibly read and go to sleep to start the same day over..
unless of course i have time off, like today.
then i get to farm more, read more and perhaps watch movies and plan things that i may or may not ever get to do.
i guess i'm just grumpy and homesick.
it's almost thanksgiving and i have no family around and no way of cooking a turkey.
man, this is not a good mood to be in. i need to find something that's going to give me a little bit more positive attitude or i won't make it through the next 4 months.

saturdays are a nightmare

2009-11-14T11:22:00.000-06:00

In customer care at least.

Its like all week long, people build and build and build up all this emotion that they just can't hold onto anymore come Saturday morning. It probably doesn't help much that I don't want to be here and listening to people gripe about their phones at 9 am is the last thing I want to do...ever.
Even after my mental health day yesterdày, it only took me two hours to revert back to my loathsome self.
I need to move. I need to move to some place beautiful and warm and happy and get a job that reflects the things I love. As much as I enjoy cell phones and knowing about them and being able to help people out... This job is nothing more than a paycheck and when it's over, it's over and I don't care about it one bit.
I have no idea how people can make it through years of this. More power to them. I won't be able to make it.

the update

2009-11-08T21:42:00.002-06:00

things that i've done since my last blog:

well... i read new moon in preparation for the movie out soon. :) so excited.
i went to a halloween party at kaylee's. i went as a texan. big hair and a texas tech shirt. erik went as someone from nh, or was it an att employee?
we are currently watching the coolest dog in texas, torque.
i guess we must have gotten a ps3 because there's no prior mention to that. well, actually erik traded in his xbox so we could get it. and we got the dvd to play netflix on the tv, though it takes longer than the computer...
i decided we have to move out of texas. i'm homesick and this place is just not that cool.
i also decided i hate my job. listening to people gripe for 9 hours to come home and have no life outside of my job... it's just not worth it. i don't know if i'll make it through this year...
we got little big planet, as previously mentioned my new obsession. it's like a combination of sims, poppit and super mario but you're this cute little sack person flying through a world of imagination. wonderful.
we also have two weeks for both of us to read eclipse, which has been a battle between the two of us over who gets to read it first.. erik's winning.
i'm in search of a couch. i'd like to get one soonish so people can come visit us. maybe we'll have a little more fun if people can entertain us. that means you. come visit. now.
i've decided i'm turning all att. for those of you who haven't had the pleasure of seeing what people at a call center look like, it means morbidly obese. ok so i'm not that bad, but erik feeds me and i don't have time to run anymore so you do the math.
i think that's about it. erik is desperately waiting for the moment the new call of duty comes out so we're both going to our first midnight release tomorrow night. :)
o and i just finished the week from hell: 5 days straight of work. i think i got stress sick this weekend because i'm not used to having 2 days off in a row anymore and the time to let go of everything is freaking out my system like it doesn't know when this will happen again so it's trying to shut me down in this moment... i don't know when this will happen again. at least the holidays are coming soon. people don't complain as much then... or so i heard...

i guess that's it. you may now consider yourself updated. how's it feel?

it's been a while.

2009-11-07T22:31:00.002-06:00

erik reminded me i haven't blogged in a while...

i had blogs in mind to write but truth be told this job is sucking away my soul.
i don't have time to do much of anything and when i finally get home from this job where i basically get yelled at for 9 hours straight, blogging is the last thing on my mind.

but there is much to report...
unfortunately, i need to get into my current obsession of little big planet. i will return shortly.
<3

farmtown vs. farmville? no competition

2009-10-21T13:44:00.004-05:00

erik and i were hanging out on farmville this morning, maintaining our crops and animals and what not when i noticed my dear friend amy had become a fan of farm town. now i've known a number of other people (family included) that have boasted about farmtown and, of course, curiosity got the best of me.
farmtown is weak sauce. the graphics are bunk. there's a creepy old man that tells you what to do and you can't even plant your crops close together. the only pseudo cool thing is that the animals move a bit.

farmville, however, is amazing and i tend to spend my long 9 hour days wondering how my plants are doing. it's user friendly, your plants florish in neat, tidy little rows and you can decorate it how you would like. the only problem with farmville is that so many people love it and some times it bogs down the system. it's time for an upgrade facebook! work on it.

this is erik's other obsession, cafe world. while it is very exciting and i would love to join my stinkin job permits me from doing so.

this is erik's "emily please don't take pictures of me while i'm playing on cafe world" face. so cute.

be warned

2009-10-16T02:17:00.002-05:00

this bug was flying around our room. erik smashed it into the wall; his head was dislocated to another part of the wall.

when i asked if he was going to clean it off the wall, he informed me that this was a warning to all other flies. like they used to do with pirates, hang the pirates who tried to port as a warning to all other pirates...

this is fly number 2. apparently he didn't get the warning.

fall in texas!

2009-10-12T00:00:00.001-05:00

apparently you know it's fall in text because it's football season. that's it. this is our fall foliage. i think it might be juniper cause at least it's blue!

this is the truck that has been sitting outside by the laundry room since the day we moved in. it has not moved. ever.

our protection! right outside our door. in case people try to break in, i guess. not that they'd get much.

follow up on fight #17

2009-10-10T13:33:00.003-05:00

i'd first like to state that training at my job is so difficult that i wrote my last entire blog while i was sitting paying attention to everything that we were learning. i'd also like to state that i currently have a 96.73% in the class.
that being said, the follow up to my foul disposition is this. i went home at my lunch break even though i wasn't sure i wanted to; i knew i didn't want to be upset for the rest of the day and then only have an hour when i got home to sort things out with him.
when i got home, i don't think he even realized why i was upset. to tell the truth, i'm not quite sure i knew why i was so upset. i told him about how i wrote a blog about it and we talked about why it bothered me. he didn't realize it was so important to me and i admitted to over reacting. i mean, in the month that we've been here this was the first time he didn't drive me. it really isn't that big of a deal. i work like 7 minutes away from our apt and that's if there's traffic. my only concern with driving is parking because you have to park far away which adds another 5 minutes at least to the walking in part.
(the weirdest thing about this building is that it looks like nasa where it's a bunch of different little compartments combined and the hallway that connects them is-no joke- a quarter mile long. my training room is at the other end of that mile, so it takes a while to trudge down there. especially since it's filled with slow walkers and people who are not so in shape. it's true, everyone- i mean thing- is bigger in texas.)
so that was really my main concern and now having done it and making it in on time i realize that it's not really a big deal if for some reason erik can't/doesn't want to make the trip with me. and he understands that this is something that's important to me and makes me feel special so i think we're doing an ok job of working this stuff out. :) for now at least.... lol

fight number 17

2009-10-06T14:46:00.000-05:00

Today started like any other day. I woke up didn't want to get out of bed. Eventually went downstairs to make Erik pancakes as he had asked for the night before. I made my lunch and coffee. Erik continued to sleep.
I went upstairs to find out if he wanted to eat the pancakes I just made and he said he'd rather sleep. Back downstairs for me to eat my pancakes in peace.
Back upstairs to finish getting ready for the day-pajama day at work. Its then that Erik informs me that he is not driving me to work today. A first since we've been living together.
I flipped. For some reason to me this means that he doesn't love me, doesn't care about me and driving me to work is more of a bother to his very important life. On top of this, I had just made breakfast! What does he have to do all day that driving me to work is such a hassle? If I drive myself to work, he won't even have a car!!
Now I know this is ridiculous of me to think this way. I left for work in a huff, pissed off and early than probably necessary. On the way to work, I thought about calling and apologizing but I'm too stubborn for that. Instead, I'm grumpy all day waiting for him to realize the err in his ways and then tonight he'll go to work and I will probably continue to be upset because nothing was solved. He'll have no idea that having him drive me to work makes me feel special and makes my coworkers jealous. Its also the one thing that we get to do together, even if we aren't really doing anything. On days that we're both working, we have a max of 2 hours together. When he's finally awake it's 4 am and I am not. Weird, huh?
I hate fighting, but I hate not winning and/or giving in. I guess I just wish he could understand where I'm coming from and realize that for some unknown reason this is important to me.

welcome to my 24th year!

2009-10-02T00:20:00.004-05:00

they say it's your birthday... duh nuh nuh na... happy birthday to you... duh nu nu na...
or in this case me.
this is a little photo documentary of how i spent my first moments of being the big 24!

12:11 am and mouthwash! time to break out the camera!!

that's right. i was watching netflix and it kept stalling, just like any day.

happy me day!

monday surprises!

2009-09-29T01:04:00.006-05:00

so erik and i have this ritual of sorts where every day before i go to work we check the mail together... lame, i know but it's fun to see what kinds of mail we get and seriously what else do we have to keep us entertained?

much to my surprise, we opened the mail today and not only were my long awaited checks in there from the stupid bank as well as some other stables but I GOT A PACKAGE! not just an package, a love birthday package from home! just as i was starting to get homesick too.

aren't birthdays and parents wonderful?

just plain scary

2009-09-27T19:53:00.002-05:00

still think it's strange that giant squirrels can attack out window out of the blue...
erik thinks they like his music.
THIS SQUIRREL WAS HUGE!

friday is apparently bar night with the at&t crew

2009-09-27T12:29:00.005-05:00

even though we have no money, my options this weekend were to desperately wait at home for erik to come home from work at 4 am or spend some time out with my coworkers indulging in some $4 long islands and learning more about them than one person could possibly want to share.
i really didn't feel like being out too long. kaylee was going to pick me up and then we were just gonna hang out for a bit. i figured i'd be home long before erik, but out long enough so i didn't really notice he had been gone for so long.
i didn't think i'd be out long enough for him to be able to pick me up at denny's on his way home...
i think the start of the night was what doomed me. we were all supposed to be meeting up at this place called the caboose which is basically like a dave and busters- not that i've ever been there either but this place is a sports bar on one side and a family restaurant with games and what not on the other. and they have $2 margaritas on tuesdays and $4 long islands on fridays.
kaylee and i got there around 10:30 and couldn't find chase or steve anywhere so we decided to just get a drink while we were waiting. moments after receiving our beverages, steve texted me to tell us they were in the restaurant bar. not realizing we can take our drinks into the next room, we started pounding our long islands.
i spent my evening educating texans about what a REAL long island has in it as well as introducing the crowd to grateful deads. mmm...
by the time that bar closed we were all pretty happy and mosied over to this other bar called jakes where i think chase spilled his beer all over tiffany, kenda lost her phone only to find it on the floor after sending steve back to the other bar and we all decided we need a girls dancing night and sung journey at the top of our lungs.
from there we headed to dennys where kenda lost her phone again and chase told me all about how he's been engaged twice and he may have a baby by this woman. we also all texted each other across the table and switched seats a bunch.
i work with some interesting people.
and next friday is my birthday. pretty exciting stuff!

our new creature!

2009-09-24T22:42:00.008-05:00

so we finally got the new door frame put in and therefore thought that would be the end to our life in the wild. unfortunately we were quite wrong, because as erik was going downstairs yesterday he came across this:

this creature was crawling around on our carpeted stairs! barely visible, completely blending in with the floor! and he used my glass to capture it! my glass!

i just stood around and screamed and got my camera to take pictures only after it was securely maintained within the glass and plate barrier.
erik safely released the lizard type gecko creature into the wild. this was only after him pointing out that we could have eaten him in our sleep if we weren't careful. thanks honey.

then he stood victoriously in our itty bitty kitchen. he is after all... my hero.

week 3

2009-09-21T11:08:00.002-05:00

today is the beginning of week 3 out o my 6 week training.
we most likely won't even touch a phone for another 2 weeks. my brain is still fried from last weeks intensive training on every program we could ever use. i'm already waiting for this week to be over.
there are 2 things that bother me about this situation.
1. we can take notes. i take massive notes. it helps me to refresh my mind on what we've previously gone over so i can make sure i understand what i'm talking about. the problem with this is that even though we can take notes, we can't take them home or use them any time we aren't being paid-which would be fine if every moment of our day wasn't filled with learning more and more information.
2. we start class at 12 o'clock and work until 9 pm. we take frequent breaks, like every 2 hours or so but the problem still lies that my brain is not fresh at 9pm. my brain's like what are you doing? you should be watching movies or doing something that doesn't require trying to jam more info in me! not only that but it's a 9 hour day... and we only get paid for 8 of it yet we still have to be there.
now this is a great company to work for and it has great benefits but the likelihood that one can get out of working the late shift within the first 3 years is slim. i've heard horror stories about people who have been working that shift for 8 years. 8 years with neither a morning/day or a night free and there's no way you can have a 2 day weekend unless you have saturdays off which is highly unlikely.
i'm here and i'm going to stick it out. i just hope i'm a lucky one and this lifestyle isn't forever.

my future husband

2009-09-19T23:51:00.004-05:00

recently i've been getting a lot of advice from people who are married, dating or have been married about my relationship situation. it seems it got out that erik and i haven't been together that long and are already engaged.

one woman i work with (four years my junior) warned me after work one day not to rush into anything. she got married at 17 and has 2 or 3 kids now at 20... i guess if i were her i may offer the same advice.

another person i work with asked me about my dress and when i told him i already had the dress and the venue and most everything planned he asked me if that was a good idea. things change.

there are so many reasons why i know that erik is my soulmate. but today i figured i would share yet another amazing fact about the man i'm about to marry (as he sings time is on my side...):
erik and i have just moved cross country. i moved with my tiny little car and therefore couldn't carry much in the ways of furniture or dishes or anything really like that...
erik moved via plane and therefore could bring even less.

we have one car and one bed that was borrowed from a friend. o and some dishes. those are our only possessions. robbers would walk into our house and think they were too late.

that aside, with the exception of these last two weeks which i still won't receive my first paycheck for another week, i haven't worked in two months. erik was supposed to finish out the season at his last job but i couldn't be apart from him for that long. basically, we're not only living off the bare essentials but we can't really afford to buy anything more.

with all that being said i'd like to remark on the type of person erik is and keep in mind this is only one of many occurrences where i'm completely in awe of him.

we were on our way to the grocery store to pick up some food for dinner.

on our way inside, we were stopped by a couple women who were standing at the front of the store asking for donations of poptarts for hungry children. hungry children have a harder time learning, and what kid doesn't like poptarts?

we took the brochure they were handing out and went about finding our ingredients.

we walked through the store entirely and then on our second trip around, erik stopped and got some poptarts.

when we got home i told him that i love that that is the type of person i'm marrying and he responded with helping others, helps yourself. people are more likely to help you if your kind, have a good attitude and help them.

how could i ever ask for anything more?

things i've learned since living with erik

2009-09-18T09:48:00.004-05:00

it's not all about me. i know. i was shocked too. but apparently it's true.
rice and eggs is a fine combination. although i still get made fun of for eating pasta and cottage cheese?
one person can eat burgers every day
i need to take things less personally. and i'm super sensitive. weird. hopefully that goes away.
i apparently leave my stuff every where. when this was determined the word stuff was substituted for another word beginning with s. again, sensitive. idk.
foreign asian movies can be fun.
his keyboard is smaller than mine, making this difficult to type. (my computer at work has the like huge hand keys where you're hands are separated and on an upward angle making it hard for me to type on anything else...)
big tvs are very important. especially for playing video games.
i learned that when i get home from work in the evening, i need to unwind with momentary me time but i really enjoy that he picks me up from work.
netflix is amazing when you are broke and have nothing else to do.
not working makes him very unhappy.
it's good to have someone around that cares for you. especially when you are almost in tears because the washing machine doesn't work and you spent your last quarters to find that out. he's a good egg. i think i'll keep him. :)

other random thoughts

my computer hates me. it goes through these phases where it just doesn't want to work. sometimes it's fine. today and last night... it hates me.
today is not only 1 year until my amazing wedding with my soulmate but it's also our 3 monthiversery!
today also marks the end of week 2 of my training at my new job. my brain is frizzled. hence the non-blogging.
it also makes week two of my coworkers mingling outside of class. we're so visiting erik on his first day of work!

erik! we have snails!

2009-09-14T10:56:00.003-05:00

this morning i walked downstairs, in my usual morning blur, to make coffee. as i was walking over to the windows to open the shades, i felt a crunch under my foot. cereal was my first thought. i know i swept the day before but it has to have been possible for some cereal to sneak out and land in our mid should be if we had furniture living room. no biggie.

as i'm returning, few sips of coffee to awaken my stupor, i look at the crunch on the floor. that is not cereal. bug? ewwwwww.. but it looked weird for a bug. texas bugs. everything in texas is strange.

one more time downstairs, getting ready for my wonderful day of work. i'm about to run back up the stairs when i see something strange on the floor and the woodwork. do we have bugs? then...
ERIIIIIK! can you come here please!

........ WE HAVE SNAILS!

not only snails! we have baby snails. that can grow up and become big snails right in our house!

that's right. that crunch from earlier? crushed snail under my barefoot. and when erik opened the door, more snails waiting to sneak in under our misshapen door.

it still gives me the heebie jeebies just thinking about it. escargot is not for me.

no more poppit in space

2009-09-12T20:48:00.004-05:00

today was a sad day.
today i realized that everything has a cost and money really is everything.
it started with drive-thru pizza....
and now...
poppit.
http://www.pogo.com/games/poppit?pageSection=free_home_my_fav
unfortunately, up until now i've had the pleasure of playing this game under a temporary free membership and become wildly addicted for no apparent reason to the wonder of popping balloons for prizes. it gives me entertainment and i would receive new balloons and percentages as to how close to the next level i was... it also gives me something to do when erik is killing blue cats and green monsters... (don't ask. i really have no idea.)
now, when i play the free version of poppit... i get commercials every 3 games and pauses and worst of all... no new balloons. no chance for a new theme.
so instead of poppiting, like i'd like to be to past the time on this wonderful saturday night and regain some sanity after some intense tv shopping and computer movie watching with a belly full of what passes for tasteless cheese pizza in texas (blah!), i'm looking for a new game... hopefully one that will bring me just as much joy and entertainment...

"If we can get through Adolph's, we can get through a sandstorm!"

2009-09-12T00:45:00.004-05:00

erik and i had big plans for our friday night. i sit in a building all day doing mostly nothing but staring at a screen and he spends most of his day hanging out in our townhouse, so i made the big suggestion. let's go for a walk when i get home!

needless to say when other plans came up with the people i work with, we jumped on the bandwagon.

the big plans were to go to this karaoke bar by the mall called adolphs. place your world war two jokes here.

kaylee felt the need to warn me as she and i are two of seven people out of our twenty-one person class that do not smoke. thank goodness.

erik and i show up around 10:15 pm. before even parking we got a glimpse of the type of people we were about to encounter. honestly, i wasn't sure if this woman was dressed to a T for the area or a transvestite. either way this isn't the type of bar i was used to.

as we walked in the door, the bouncer wearing a pink shirt and cowboy hat announces the fact that we are a long way from home. you're telling me...

we stood at the bar but apparently not at the walk-up which was the only place we could actually order drinks if we weren't sitting there. it seemed to take forever. in this time, the two people from my work that had already arrived noticed me: chase, the ex-marine californian and lisa, who's roller derby name is psycho sweettie.

both smokers.

next to arrive was jane, the excitable teacher and her husband of two years. then steve, the new mexican who says wicked and his girlfriend, kenda. kaylee and tiffany. and finally rocky. most of the gang.

lisa introduced us to her friend, shooter who continued to hit on tiffany all night even after she told him that the fact that he wanted to take photographs of her was creepy. might i add that shooter looked like a 60 year old scary version of kris kristofferson with sketchy glasses.

sketchy guy #27 at that bar got up to sing my girl to apparently every woman in the room. his arms were approximately as long as his body and he could be compared to a hillbilly cowboy umpa lumpa.

by the time chase was up to sing his second song (ice ice baby- unfortunately sketchy guy #27 also dirty dances), my eyes felt like little ash balls rolling around in my head. red, scratchy and squinting, i was blinking to try to keep some moisture away from the amount of smoke that was overwhelming every orifice of my body. after finishing our cheap pitcher of water beer, i think we were both about ready to leave. being the troopers that we are, we stayed until a little after midnight. endured as much as we could, inhaled around 90 cigarettes a piece and came home to try to brillo off everything.

i'm pretty sure if i burned the clothes i wore last night, people 4 states over would still get a nicotine fix.

snails, Snails, SNAILS!!!

2009-09-09T22:21:00.002-05:00

so this morning i went for a little run around our townhouse, and on my way back i was shocked to find this little snail... well not so little for a snail but it was exactly what you would expect a snail to look like. strange for what i think about when i think about texas, but it's true i guess: things are always bigger in texas. it had the little antena thingies popping out of it's head, a perfect little shell and it had the perfect little tail and it was just wandering around on the sidewalk.

that was the end of my thinking about it. then i went to work.

when i got out of work tonight, i asked erik how his day was. he responded with this story: well, i was walking to check the mail today and i looked down and there was this snail! (my shock! because i never told him about my snail story even though i meant to!) his story continued, he ran back to the townhouse to grab the camera. who sees a snail in texas?! and apparently as he was walking he kept hearing this crunching noise which he didn't think about until he saw this snail.

the crunching? baby snails! the place was crawling with them. all over the place.
not only on the ground either, THEY WERE CRAWLING UP THE WALLS!! as he was walking to the car to come get me, they were falling down on him like rain!

unbelievable! i was no joke, shocked by this story. who gets rained on by snails?

so, when we got home i didn't really think about it much except for the fact that erik kept looking around. they were no where to be found. absolutely no snails anywhere! i started to question whether or not him staying home was a good thing....

and then just as i opened the door, there they were! three itty bitty snails with perfect spiral shells!

who would of thought?!?!?! snails in texas.

first day of work

2009-09-09T09:06:00.000-05:00

isn't it weird how starting a new job is like starting school?

first of all, it feels odd getting dropped off. because erik and i only have one car he has to drop me off in the afternoon and pick me back up at night. (12-9 shift. blahhh!)

then it's awkward because there are obviously the people who share too much and you have to decide which ones are going to be your new friends. the crazy goth roller derby girl? the woman with the crazed frizzy hair who can only talk about how terrible her divorce was and how he left her with 3 kids and she has to battle him for everything? maybe not.

thankfully i settled on kaylee, a 22 year old who lives in lubbock and is working at at&t because her mom and her aunt have both previously worked there.
so making friends (at least for now) is accomplished.

up next is trying not to fall asleep when we go over all the wonderful information that is the world of a customer service rep at a call center.

*** luckily for me, i got to come home to a wonderful cooked meal. :)

Maxey Pad Park

2009-09-07T17:48:00.000-05:00

ok, so it's really just maxey park.
trying to get out of the house when you aren't working and have no money leaves limited options. i thought it would be nice to check out this park i had seen once when i was interviewing... a little fresh air, get us out of the house and away from our computers for a bit, maybe a little exercise?
no.
this place looked worse than the dumps back at home. AND PEOPLE WERE FISHING THERE? all i could think is what are you going to catch? a mutated frog with 17 heads and 8 legs? a diaper?
when i think of parks, at least parks in new hampshire, they are well maintained, clean. trash goes in the trash can, not the pond.
not cool. one less thing to do in lubbock.

Rosa's Fine Dining

2009-09-06T23:29:00.000-05:00

so erik and i have officially had our second fight. (our first fight involved an apple core in my salad bowl)
fight#2 started out like this.
me: honey, i want burritos! let's get burritos for dinner!*
him: ok, where should we go?
(i don't know lubbock! are you kidding me? i just moved here too!)
so i decided it was best that we ask my friend's husband where we could get good burritos like chipolte or dos amigos; not that he, being a true texan, would know what i meant by that.
he suggested rosa's cafe. they're cheap and good. my fave.
then he told me they were located on quaker and 4th.... me thinking i have great direction skills took it from there. let me also state that this was erik's second time driving in texas and we had my friend's two year old babbling in the backseat.
and scene:
me: baby, just get on the loop and go to quaker.
him: o the loop, like by our place.
driving. driving. driving. driving.
quaker.
him: ok so which way do we go?
me: uhhhh... i don't know i've never been there before. take a right so you're on quaker and we'll figure it out.
head scratching...
me: uhhh.... i think we're really supposed to be more towards 4th. (the street we live on, we were currently at 73rd....) we can just ride up quaker.
17 million stop lights later.
we stop to get gas.
erik has by this point become less chatty.
7 more stop lights.
me: well, the address says 4407 4th so i think we should go right...
(erik still being a good sport but obviously waaaaaaaay less happy)
me: i think we should turn around. this is tech. i don't think rosa's would be in tech.
him: why don't you just look it up and tell me which way i'm supposed to go?!?!?
me: baby! i've never been there before! how am i supposed to know these things?! can't you just find some place to turn around?
him: why don't you figure out where we're going so i don't have to keep turning around!!
me, mopey and grumpy and a bit hungry: look it's right there!

thankfully we made it in ok.
and then we got the food. this food was the most disgusting pile of dirty grease i've ever encountered. we thought taco bell was bad, taco bell was heaven compared to this place.
we got two chicken burritos. the only way to describe them was to say that they were like sweaty, dirty balls. it was, no joke, slimy chicken meat wrapped in this gummy tortilla that was about 4 inches long. within two bites, we were sick to our stomachs and ready to leave.

the greatest part was on the way out we followed lubbock's finest, all of which apparently meet and dine at rosa's.

then we drove about 2 seconds down the road to united, where we picked up a frozen pizza. the same united, might i add, that we had walked to from our apartment the day before...

*all conversation stemmed from emily's crazed memory

Newwww BLLLOGGGG

2009-09-04T18:00:00.000-05:00

so i haven't blogged in a while...

when i started blogging it was because there was so much going on in my crazy hectic life, i needed some sort of outlet to realize that it was all happening.
now, my story is a bit different. currently i am laying on the floor of what has been deemed the game room of my brand spanking new fiance and my townhouse. now there's so much going on in my life that i want to document it all so i can keep it forever.
for starters, i just moved to lubbock, tx. i got engaged a little over a month ago to the most amazing man i've ever met. we fell in love in under 2 weeks. we have been living in our little bamf townhouse for 2 whole days now. we have absolutely nothing but our computers and ourselves to entertain with. i am just days away from starting a new career at at&t, but in the mean time i'm occupying my days by playing mahjong and planning a wedding we currently can not afford. basically, i have my hands full with nothing and it's driving me a wee bit crazy but i couldn't be happier.