things that happened this month

in no particular order except what pops in my head and what i remember based on my calendar:

• i went snowshoeing. on our property. and the proceeded to have the nastiest blisters. which prompted me to:
• BUY NEW WINTER BOOTS!
• i also bought erik ... 3 pairs of pants and new sneakers. it may have set me back for the month but my goodness was it necessary. 
• we went to heidi's for dinner. that was a lovely experience. and we found out that we know her next door neighbor. weird. 
• i had a stomach thing for the first part of the month. that was not fun. also not fun? endless snowstorms. 
• i ran at least 32 miles. which really doesn't sound like much considering the amount of time in a month. i also realized i really need to do supplementary runs instead of just doing long runs. it makes my long runs terrible. 
• i helped shannon rearrange her furniture only to move it all back. and we made glasses for the:
• WINE PARTY. which was fun. but it was also the day that my car battery died and i got a new PHONE! so it was expensive. 
• then i took my new phone and new battery on a trip to newington with brandy where we proceeded to go to every store under creation. i'm so not as young as she is. and my car got stuck in the parking lot at the kingdom hall. that was scary because i really didn't want to hit anyone else's car but i couldn't get up that hill.
• oh! i decided to open an etsy shop! so i worked on paintings and gathering materials so i can open my shop in april. et2paints!
• barty got fixed and that was one of the most stressful days of my life. 
• erik had his first and second days of boiling. day one was way more exciting then day 2. day one ashley, meikel, chad, charlie and heidi all came over. day two it was just me and him. but his set up is pretty amazing. 
• amy moved to alton! i'm so excited! she's so much closer now!!
• i worked out in service with sharon twice. and emma, sarah, lori, jason, and shannon! i love invitation work!
• oh! we watched all the indiana jones movies! so much fun! 
• i received my second box from club w. that's fun. 
• i went to mom's and had a really good time. i ran her road too. that was tough. 
• i also ran with debbie. :) then erik and i went to hobbs.
• and i started strength traininng. sorta. i don't know if it can count as strength training if you only do it once a week but i'm pretty pumped. this was my second week and i seriously can lift some weights! well, more than i ever thought i could. 

so pretty good. VERY busy month. 

something new

yesterday was really a hard day. actually most days have been hard lately. basically since the child has been home schooled my life has been a bit of hell. not only do they not leave at 3 like they used to, but it's also 9 - 5 of yelling. yelling, fake anxiety attacks, freak outs, clarinet playing at a pitch that cuts right to my weak stomach... i don't know how anyone is making it through this.

when i finally went home, my poor husband did everything he could to make me feel better. everything. he's so wonderful. i got home and he had cleaned the living room and put all his stuff away in the bedroom AND made the bed. and he let me complain about how dumb my day was. and yet i still couldn't shake it. so i took a long, long shower -hoping to wash it all away. and when i came out, my dear sweet husband had made me dinner and poured me a glass of wine. we watched the news, studied, drank more wine and i still couldn't shake it. i knew i needed to run.

so i packed my bags, got up this morning thinking - maybe i'll just lay here. but bart was annoying me and i wasn't sleeping and i knew i wouldn't feel better until i had worked through some of this junk. and off i went. it's nice being up and out of the house early. i don't know why i don't do it more often. it's quiet and peaceful and i know i'm not rushing.

i was worried because i have gone to the gym before in the morning and it's been pretty busy. specifically the treadmills. i was happy to see that there weren't many cars.

i've been struggling with running lately. i don't know why. the first mile, mile and a half i was good. i felt good. i felt like things were really working their way through. after that though i felt more of a struggle. i had a hard time getting through the rest of my run. i think in part because i didn't want to be doing it anymore. i don't know why but this time around i've really just wanted to give up on my runs. i walk a lot of hills. i haven't been getting any supplementary runs in. just my long runs. which is probably not helpful. and a hill comes at me and i wimp out. i ran 8 miles wednesday at my parents' house and it's not so much my time that's bothering me because that ends up being just about the same but it's my general inability to keep myself going. it's like i see the hills and i just give up. anyhow, that's not why i'm writing this. i'm writing this because:


TODAY I TOOK A SHOWER AT THE GYM! that was a first! not something i ever thought i would do. but i did it! and the whole time i was thinking i wonder what gym etiquette is for showering at the gym? are there rules? should i have worn a bathing suit or something? i was semi worried the whole time that someone was going to see my boobs. why is the shower curtain white? can people see through it? do i get dressed behind the shower curtain? (i did) what about my feet? should i wear flip flops? ( i didn't. i probably have athlete's foot.) thankfully no one came in while i was in there so a lot of my questions remain unanswered but i feel like i conquered a fear of being naked in public today and that seems ok.

contemplating

i'm contemplating opening an etsy shop.
i'm contemplating how much it would cost.
i'm contemplating when i would have the time to create.
i'm contemplating what i would create and how i would create it.
i'm contemplating what taxes would be like.
i'm contemplating the creativity right out of this thing.
but i'm still contemplating it.

killing myself

last night i couldn't sleep. i couldn't sleep because all i could think about was how my next weekend where i don't have plans is in mid-november. i laid there thinking about how i was going to get everything done and what if anything i could get out of doing. and as i lay there more and more obligations/things i had to do to get everything else done popped into my head. the worst part is that this is all completely self inflicted. why do i do this to myself? i came to two conclusions: fear of missing out and fear of letting people down. i want to do everything. i really do. i can't. physically/mentally, i exhaust myself on a regular basis. obviously. i spend my nights awake staring at the moonlight thinking about all the things i have to do. i want to be there for everyone. seriously. i wish i had no friends and then at the same time i fear that i'm going to have no friends because i can't be there for everyone. will people forget me? think less of me? be mad at me? i don't know. if i just had more time... i'd fill it with other things to do. somebody stop me.

here's a look at my next few weeks/months:

• saturday- i'm hiking mount washington! i'm excited. it's been on my bucket list forever. FOREVER. and i've been working on it all summer, building up to the big hike. and it was either next weekend or wait another year...which would probably get pushed another year or another year or another year... so i'm biting the bullet and doing it. that being said, i was not planning on it. saturday was the only day i would be able to do it before mid-november and mid-november it would be far too cold for me. i don't have the gear. so saturday it is. which means, tuesday i need to figure out what trail we're going on, what time we're leaving, where we're meeting and wednesday i need to get food for the hike, prepare my bag and figure out what i need to bring/wear. it also means, i should probably do my long run on wednesday too because i won't be able to do it saturday or sunday. which in my sleepless brain, loops back around to wow - i haven't been to the gym in a while. i should go to zumba on monday. or i should cancel my gym membership. i should probably cancel my gym membership. i never go. but then when would i see charlie? ok, go to zumba monday, run 3 miles tuesday morning, meeting tuesday night, wednesday - long run, grocery store - wait when am i going to go out in service this month? that should probably come first. but i'm already out of time. moving on...(oh i think i have to make dinner on wednesday too... what on earth can i cook? i don't have any food... when am i going to go to the grocery store? where am i going to get the money for all this?) 
• oh hey it's my anniversary! four years of married bliss with my wonderful husband embarks on the 18th. which reminds me that means it's lori's anniversary this week - wait, tomorrow. yep. forgot that one again. i wonder who else's anniversaries i've forgotten. i used to be so good about these things. ok, my anniversary. that means i have to get erik a present. check. since our anniversary is on a thursday we won't actually be able to celebrate til the weekend. no, emily. you have no time to get your hair cut between now and then. no, you absolutely cannot make plans with anyone else that weekend. you'll be gone every other weekend from him anyhow. ok, well at least spending time with the hubs means possible down time. and maybe dinner out. chaching. (oh and as for running/working out - fitness cruise the 15th which means no zumba.. really need to cancel that membership (i think that guy hates me right now anyhow... i don't want to talk to him. maybe erik can cancel it for me.), run tuesday, wednesday, thursday - 9 miles saturday... maybe i can squeeze out 10. i wonder how tired i'll be from hiking mt. wash?) 
• two weeks down, tuesday the bosses leave for 25 days. that means there's going to be a ton to do both before they leave and after they leave so it looks like i got things done while they're gone. i hope they don't ask me to take care of their chickens again... they won't. you don't have time. that's the end of the month already. made plans with amanda. i only haven't seen her in a year... since her wedding. shoot i should probably get them an anniversary card. and a new house card. check. maybe i can just add a happy anniversary to their house card. that would be easier. oh remember you have to run a 5k saturday too. i'm either going to have to go out in service on wednesday afternoons or sundays. maybe if i go out sunday, erik will go with me. ha. probably not. i'll talk to lori. she said she wanted to go out more. oh and your 5k has to be the fastest ever. i wonder when i can fit in some speed work for running. maybe i can add that in at 6 am. no. i can't push my body to do anything more at 6am. i'm going to have a meltdown. ok. i'll just run it as fast as i can with no speedwork. they'll get over it. there's always next year... so 5k, then amanda's? or amanda's friday night, then 5k? probably 5k first. i need to call mom. 
• october. already. which means oktoberfest. which means money for food. company at the house. dressing up. run 10 miles. at least. maybe 11 if i can fit it. oh and maybe i can squeeze in service that day. maybe. i wonder when erik's going to stop working for the season? oh and at some point i was hoping to get up to castle in the clouds to see what the course is like... that may or may not happen. 
• columbus day weekend. kathy and dave's wedding. ugh i hope erik goes with me. if erik goes with me, i know it'll be an earlier night. which is fine. i'll probably need it. i wonder if i'll have that monday off. the bosses will still be gone. what am i wearing to that wedding? can i wear the same dress i wore to ashley's wedding? will anyone notice? probably not. plus i don't have any time to go shopping.  i hope they don't ask me to do anything for their wedding. like make something. i'm terrible about saying no. 
• pete and katie's wedding. the only thing i wish i could really get off of my calendar. where is this wedding again? the middle of no where. i'm probably going to have to drive myself. i think it's like 2 hours away. but i'll have to be home kinda early and amy and andy will probably stay until it ends. i have to go to the meeting the next day because it's the last one before the assembly. i still have to send out that card that says i'm going. am i going? i should probably go. i haven't seen them in forever and it'll be fun. it'll be nice to see everyone. i wonder where they found this place? oh i guess it's only a little over an hour away. that's not so bad, i guess. i hope my car passes inspection. i need to get my muffler fixed. i hope i can just get it patched. when am i supposed to save money again? oh maybe as i'm driving to their wedding i can check out the course for the race... the wedding's at 2.. which means i have to leave by noon thirty probably just in case. maybe amy can come over. no that would be a super pain for her. plus andy will probably have to leave early to get ready with the guys. i wish we could hang out before the wedding... i don't know how that would work. oh man how am i going to get my 11 miles in that day? oh i hope katie and pete are having their mail forwarded to their new address. 
• assembly. natick, ma. one week before my big race. i'll have to run on sunday. hopefully i'll be able to meet with the brothers to go over the questions in time. i haven't heard from anyone. i guess that's fine. i haven't really studied this week either. i should have stuck around longer on sunday. how is today only monday? 
• race day. technically it's sunday. which means i'm definitely going to miss the meeting. ha. i wonder if mom is still planning on doing the fun run. i hope she doesn't expect me to do it with her. i doubt i could run 14.6 miles. heck. i'm freaking myself out so hard with the fact that it's going to be super uphill anyhow. especially the end. who planned this course? how can you have the last mile of a half marathon completely uphill? that's just not nice. why did i sign up for this again? 

and that's that. i feel like there's probably 14 other little things. things that i haven't even thought of yet. i wonder how long my hair will get in another eight weeks? i wonder if i'll ever have time to cut it again. why does work have to be so time consuming? why do all things have to take place on my short time off? can i put my gym membership on hold? i'm hoping that putting this all in writing will take it out of my head and i'll just be able to work through everything. .... in my dream world. 

how to be polite

snippets that i enjoyed from this article: 

• When you are at a party and are thrust into conversation with someone, see how long you can hold off before talking about what they do for a living. And when that painful lull arrives, be the master of it. I have come to revel in that agonizing first pause, because I know that I can push a conversation through. Just ask the other person what they do, and right after they tell you, say: “Wow. That sounds hard.”
• I see people as having around them a two or three foot invisible buffer. If there is a stray hair on their jacket I ask them if I can pluck it from them. If they don’t want that, they’ll do it themselves. If their name is now Susan, it’s Susan. Whatever happens inside that buffer is entirely up to them. It has nothing to do with me.
• People silently struggle from all kinds of terrible things. They suffer from depression, ambition, substance abuse, and pretension. They suffer from family tragedy, Ivy-League educations, and self-loathing. They suffer from failing marriages, physical pain, and publishing. The good thing about politeness is that you can treat these people exactly the same. And then wait to see what happens. You don’t have to have an opinion. You don’t need to make a judgment. I know that doesn't sound like liberation, because we live and work in an opinion-based economy. But it is. Not having an opinion means not having an obligation. And not being obligated is one of the sweetest of life’s riches.
• This is not a world where you can simply express love for other people, where you can praise them. 

it's rather sad that this isn't all common knowledge. then again, the whole thing is rather sad. 

https://medium.com/message/how-to-be-polite-9bf1e69e888c

i liked everything

Warhol: Someone said that Brecht wanted everybody to think alike. I want everybody to think alike. But Brecht wanted to do it through Communism, in a way. Russia is doing it under government. It’s happening here all by itself without being under a strict government; so if it’s working without trying, why can’t it work without being Communist? Everybody looks alike and acts alike, and we’re getting more and more that way.
I think everybody should be a machine. I think everybody should like everybody.
Art News: Is that what Pop Art is all about?
Warhol: Yes. It’s liking things.
Art News: And liking things is like being a machine?
Warhol: Yes, because you do the same thing every time. You do it over and over again.

it seems true though. pop culture does turn everyone into a machine. a mindless machine who just likes what others like and never really thinks for themselves. it's strange really. do i like bananas? i wonder what it would be like to live in a world without advertising and subliminal messages. omg. has anyone else ever seen (i can't believe i'm going to say this) josie and the pussycats? the movie from 2001? (i had to look that up...) now i'm mildly (read totally) afraid that the things i like, i don't actually like. i've just been brainwashed into liking them. totally terrible. but possibly true.

http://www.wired.com/2014/08/i-liked-everything-i-saw-on-facebook-for-two-days-heres-what-it-did-to-me/?utm_source=nextdraft&utm_medium=email

just another day at the office

i can't tell if i'm super irritable/anxious due to pressing deadlines, my period (which i'm not even 100% sure is due yet... i should really start keeping track of that...), or jenna. impending doom.

this week has been rough. i see a revised draft of a letter and i start to freak out that this is the third or fourth time i've had to revise it. programs aren't working right for me. i got up this morning, happy but wishing i could stay in bed. blew a circuit because we had two coffee makers running. got dressed, looking pretty cute. then for the second time since wearing this top, i spilled my entire cup of coffee all over the place. seriously, i'm walking out to the car - i have my ipod (which needs to be charged), my purse, my toast/breakfast and my giant travel mug of coffee in my hands. i open the door, put my coffee mug on the roof of my car and it spills all over the roof, dripping down into my open car door, my ipod falls on the ground, my toast is wet. coffee on my shirt/skirt/cardigan/shoes. so i did what any rational person would do. i cried. no i didn't. i wanted to freak out and quit my job and never leave my room again. but that's not going to solve anything. so i picked up my ipod, put my toast in my car, shut the car door. i went inside, assessed the damages. not too bad. i can handle a day with limited coffee on me. poured myself a new cup of coffee and headed back out. today can suck it. i'm winning.

this of course is followed by my coming into the office to have a mini-anxiety/meltdown. normally i love having a lot to work on. i love having work waiting for me on my desk because that means i don't have to pretend to be busy or do any of those other things i really should be doing but am not. like filing. or billing. blah. but seeing this letter revised again and corrections that i should have caught staring me down. my anxiety starts bouncing off the roof. and the impending doom of knowing that at any moment jenna could walk in the door and scream my name in that high pitch happy voice that sends my nerves to freakouttown.

so i'm sitting. it's not even 9 am and i've already gotten two documents accomplished. no one else has arrived yet. thankfully. i wish they would all take the day off and leave me to my peace. instead of my countdown til school starts, this year it's my countdown until their fall vacation (25 days of bliss). and then hopefully til second semester when they realize that homeschooling is a bad/impossible idea. and i can leave my car with the peace of knowing that i can walk through the office and no one will ask me "hello emily. how ya doin' emily? can i help you with your work? can i do your hair? can you play with me?" with these words, my uterus shrivels up into a dust heap. perhaps my body blames jenna for my complete and utter non-desire for children and that's why the thought of coming to work sends me into a full on period symptom mess.

* did i mention i'm pretty sure someone used/opened my umbrella that i leave here which i'm not even sure where it was at my desk and has left it on the front floor? why, people? can't a girl get any privacy/alone time?

oh. is that the real route of my issues?