my own mistakes

in owning my mistakes i guess i would have to really think about the things that i've done in my life.

i've definitely done my fair share of binge drinking, drinking to forget, drinking as an escape or excuse.

i feel like i've also stepped on a few of my friends. starting in middle school. i would stop talking to people i didn't think were cool enough to hang out with. i had this friend nicole. before we started school we hung out every day. i got irritated with meegan because she ditched all of the people she went to school with to fit in with the cooler kids and here i was, no longer talking or hanging out with nicole because she's goofy and fun and perhaps a bit immature at the time and i wanted every one to think i was cool and sexy and put together and nicole probably could have caught me in that lie. so i pushed our friendship away. just like what was later done to me by amber. although she went the extra mile to tell everyone that i wore padded bras or something completely embarrassing AND stopped talking to me. forgive emily forgive.

i did the same thing again in college. i don't know why. this time it was melissa. bill wanted us to be friends but she started hanging out with me all the time and at first i didn't think it was so bad but then she was learning my passwords and in every aspect of my life in an overwhelming amount. rather than talking to her about it. i stopped talking to her. she defriended me on facebook. she was nice and always there for me when i needed her but i didn't want her as a friend.

i'm still holding a grug against my friend's brother who committed suicide or was murdered last summer because when i was little he would go into my bedroom (i was 6 he was 13) and take off my shirt and play with my nonexistent boobs. my parents only found out because i didn't want to go to dance class one day.

same as my step grandfather always wanting me to sit on his lap even though i was 12. i guess some of these things i didn't really realize were wrong at the time but i never had a good feeling about it.

i feel like i've used guys for sex just as much as they are supposed to use women. i've used guys to fix my car and take me out to eat when i had no intension of doing anything further with them. i've used my appearance for anything i can get from it. and i feel insecure some times now because i wear my engagement ring and people don't look at me the same. i need to feel more secure with me and who i am and what do that makes me happy.

i get uber independent when i feel i need to be, but when i'm in a realationship i tend to lose it. i tend to depend on others happiness for my happiness even though i boast my independence at any chance. i need them to be happy for me to feel happy. i need them to be satisfied for me to be satisfied. my Independence tends to come at a disregard for others and i can't mix that and a relationship so it's like a toss up.

other mistakes: i've cheated and lied about it. i bullshitted papers in college rather than actually doing the work i should have and perhaps then i wouldn't be in this predicament now because i don't feel like i deserve a good job in my field because i didn't put in enough effort. i don't really put a whole lot of effort into anything i don't know i can get because i'm terrified. that's why i've always dated guys who were less attractive than i was or needed me more than i needed them. except for dan. and now erik. they're the only two people i've ever been with that i value their friendship as much as our relationship. and i fucked things up with dan. but i guess that's how it was supposed to be.

i take my parents for granted. i take everything i've been given for granted.