worst case scenario

i was going to blog about our awesome trip to carlsbad caverns this weekend but my mind is lost is other thoughts.

i woke up this morning with the count down in my head. the final count down if you may... as of today it marks the last month of our stay here in texas. the last 26 days. i could not be more excited. every time i think about going home and getting my life back in order i could not be more pleased. i feel like i've lost myself here. i mean, it's been great getting to know a new side of me and understanding a different life and figuring all those things out, but i'm ready to get back to where i know where i stand, i understand where people are coming from and i can focus solely on making things happen rather than spending every day waiting for the end of limbo.

26 days. and yet here's where my head is:
i'm a worst case scenario planner. i like to know exactly what the worst thing that could ever happen is and be prepared for it. i'm a financial nightmare too. i'm constantly planning, organizing and over analyzing everything in my head.
erik and i haven't been the most successful people here. i mean, we make do. ends are meeting and what not. but we don't usually have a whole lot of overflow and this is making me have a panic attack.
we're driving cross country and we figure while we're over here and don't know when we'll make it back to this side of the country... we might as well visit our western friends and family. so the plan is to head west before heading back east... all the way west.
i have family in arizona, plus that's where erik was born, so the first stop is willcox, az then to scottsdale.
from there our plan is to visit some people in california and head back east.
here's the panic attack. i'm terrified we're going to run out of gas and out of money half way across the country with all of our belongings (panic attack number two is that we don't have enough room for everything) and we have to temporarily live out of the car/truck stop while i get a part time job as a waitress so we can get enough money to make it home. once we're home i'm not so worried about it because we have enough connections to make it, but it's all the before then that i'm freaking out about.
i dream about it. i picture my little itty bitty corolla jam packed with dishes and clothing galore. our cramped bodies unable to move and the irritability that arises due to being in that close proximity to another person for an unknown amount of time.
i've slept in that corolla people. it's not fun. it makes for a very unhappy sunrise at the grand canyon let me tell you.
so i have a mini heart attack every time we spend any money. we could probably be eating cardboard and drinking water for this last 26 days and i'd still be freaking out. i need a mental health day to comfort all of my stresses but then i would just stress the whole time because that would be money i wasn't making and that much longer i'd have to hang out with dolly and joe at bubba's dinner.

god save me from my own insanity... please.


work now, 180 hours left to work for the evil blue map and counting..