my brother is leaving on monday, commence period

ugh. my eyes are raw from crying. i don't know how this starts but i can not stop crying. i'm fine. i'm fine. i'm fine. and then i have to say my brother is leaving for boot camp and i completely break down. it's boot camp for crying out loud!

it's the beginning of the end. my worst fear is that he leaves and sees something that he can't unsee, or loses his spark, loses the person that he's become. he's only 18 and they are going to change him forever. and probably not for the better. well, maybe. he's gonna grow up and quick. 18 is too young to commit to something for the rest of your life.

my brain is in a million places right now. there's been so much that has happened. so much that has changed and i haven't had a chance to process any of it. maybe that's life. maybe there is no processing... but could we please slow down? i'd like to be able to hang out and show my brother my cool new apartment and make him dinner and kick his butt at playstation move. before he becomes a drone.

it'd be really nice if i could stop crying long enough for all those things to happen. but i don't know if i can.

me.. now...

since my last entry my whole life has changed. who am i kidding? since three weeks ago my whole life has changed. and it's taking me a moment to catch up.

me now, married, working, living in wolfeboro, new bed, about to have a new hair color...

i have a husband. i love him dearly. but is it possible to love someone so much and fear that you don't know them well enough? i mean, erik gets me. i like to feel that i get him but sometimes i get so insecure about our relationship. he seems distant and i have a panic attack. that's normal right?

change is good but it's freaking hard. and challenging. and tiring. i've been sick for almost a week. i can't stop coughing. i don't know what to do. i have this knot in my stomach since i found out that erik and his ex-girlfriend are now friends on facebook. which is ridiculous because he not only married me but it's freaking facebook. not real life. i guess that worries me because they were together for a long time and i'm afraid she knows him better than i do, or gets him in a way that i can't because i wasn't there for everything she was. she's always freaked me out in this relationship. because she was there first and longer. but i'm going to be here forever so i guess i need to just take a step back and calm down.

other news.. i'm working at a law office. i've been here for about 3 months now and have no idea what i'm doing. and they left. my boss and his wife, the paralegal, they left and i'm stuck here at the mercy of the phone attempting to answer questions for myself and others. i have no idea what i'm doing but at least it's just me.

yesterday i spent the whole day filing. today, i haven't done much of anything.


it's probably going to stay that way too. i'm supposed to be meeting my mother for lunch and i really don't want to deal with her. she's emotional because i left and jake's leaving and everything's changing. well, i'm dealing with enough of my own stress, mom. i can't take yours too.

but i'm baaaaaaaackkk...