ugh. my eyes are raw from crying. i don't know how this starts but i can not stop crying. i'm fine. i'm fine. i'm fine. and then i have to say my brother is leaving for boot camp and i completely break down. it's boot camp for crying out loud!
it's the beginning of the end. my worst fear is that he leaves and sees something that he can't unsee, or loses his spark, loses the person that he's become. he's only 18 and they are going to change him forever. and probably not for the better. well, maybe. he's gonna grow up and quick. 18 is too young to commit to something for the rest of your life.
my brain is in a million places right now. there's been so much that has happened. so much that has changed and i haven't had a chance to process any of it. maybe that's life. maybe there is no processing... but could we please slow down? i'd like to be able to hang out and show my brother my cool new apartment and make him dinner and kick his butt at playstation move. before he becomes a drone.
it'd be really nice if i could stop crying long enough for all those things to happen. but i don't know if i can.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
me.. now...
since my last entry my whole life has changed. who am i kidding? since three weeks ago my whole life has changed. and it's taking me a moment to catch up.
me now, married, working, living in wolfeboro, new bed, about to have a new hair color...
i have a husband. i love him dearly. but is it possible to love someone so much and fear that you don't know them well enough? i mean, erik gets me. i like to feel that i get him but sometimes i get so insecure about our relationship. he seems distant and i have a panic attack. that's normal right?
change is good but it's freaking hard. and challenging. and tiring. i've been sick for almost a week. i can't stop coughing. i don't know what to do. i have this knot in my stomach since i found out that erik and his ex-girlfriend are now friends on facebook. which is ridiculous because he not only married me but it's freaking facebook. not real life. i guess that worries me because they were together for a long time and i'm afraid she knows him better than i do, or gets him in a way that i can't because i wasn't there for everything she was. she's always freaked me out in this relationship. because she was there first and longer. but i'm going to be here forever so i guess i need to just take a step back and calm down.
other news.. i'm working at a law office. i've been here for about 3 months now and have no idea what i'm doing. and they left. my boss and his wife, the paralegal, they left and i'm stuck here at the mercy of the phone attempting to answer questions for myself and others. i have no idea what i'm doing but at least it's just me.
yesterday i spent the whole day filing. today, i haven't done much of anything.
it's probably going to stay that way too. i'm supposed to be meeting my mother for lunch and i really don't want to deal with her. she's emotional because i left and jake's leaving and everything's changing. well, i'm dealing with enough of my own stress, mom. i can't take yours too.
but i'm baaaaaaaackkk...
me now, married, working, living in wolfeboro, new bed, about to have a new hair color...
i have a husband. i love him dearly. but is it possible to love someone so much and fear that you don't know them well enough? i mean, erik gets me. i like to feel that i get him but sometimes i get so insecure about our relationship. he seems distant and i have a panic attack. that's normal right?
change is good but it's freaking hard. and challenging. and tiring. i've been sick for almost a week. i can't stop coughing. i don't know what to do. i have this knot in my stomach since i found out that erik and his ex-girlfriend are now friends on facebook. which is ridiculous because he not only married me but it's freaking facebook. not real life. i guess that worries me because they were together for a long time and i'm afraid she knows him better than i do, or gets him in a way that i can't because i wasn't there for everything she was. she's always freaked me out in this relationship. because she was there first and longer. but i'm going to be here forever so i guess i need to just take a step back and calm down.
other news.. i'm working at a law office. i've been here for about 3 months now and have no idea what i'm doing. and they left. my boss and his wife, the paralegal, they left and i'm stuck here at the mercy of the phone attempting to answer questions for myself and others. i have no idea what i'm doing but at least it's just me.
yesterday i spent the whole day filing. today, i haven't done much of anything.
it's probably going to stay that way too. i'm supposed to be meeting my mother for lunch and i really don't want to deal with her. she's emotional because i left and jake's leaving and everything's changing. well, i'm dealing with enough of my own stress, mom. i can't take yours too.
but i'm baaaaaaaackkk...
Monday, April 12, 2010
somebody call the whambulance.
this is getting bad. the more i'm home the more i want to be out doing things. when i said i wanted time off this was not what i was expecting. i guess i should have been more clear. having time off is one thing, having time off without a car... very different.
even looking for jobs it's pointless because i have no way to get there. every job that's available is at least a half an hours driving time.
i'm still really excited to take classes but i don't know if i'll be able to because i don't have the money.
planning the wedding is some what useless because i have no money to do anything. it's five months away. we need to purchase or make our invitations asap and i can't do anything about it because i have no money. and no way to make money.
i'm wasting my days here. i know what i want. i know how to get it. i don't know where to get a car to be able to get it all started.
things like this were easier in texas. maybe because i was the one with the car. maybe because i had it all sorted out. but mainly because things were closer.
i wouldn't want to go back there in a million years though. we're so much happier here even if i have nothing to do. we have friends. we have people who know us and places we know where to go and what we're going to get once we're there.
it just sucks during the days when i'm trapped here all by myself with nothing to do but watch tv that makes me feel fat, eat crap (which is my own fault and problem) and look for jobs i can't get because they're too freaking far away. this is my life.
welcome to my pity party. tea for all. but i ate all the cookies so deal.
even looking for jobs it's pointless because i have no way to get there. every job that's available is at least a half an hours driving time.
i'm still really excited to take classes but i don't know if i'll be able to because i don't have the money.
planning the wedding is some what useless because i have no money to do anything. it's five months away. we need to purchase or make our invitations asap and i can't do anything about it because i have no money. and no way to make money.
i'm wasting my days here. i know what i want. i know how to get it. i don't know where to get a car to be able to get it all started.
things like this were easier in texas. maybe because i was the one with the car. maybe because i had it all sorted out. but mainly because things were closer.
i wouldn't want to go back there in a million years though. we're so much happier here even if i have nothing to do. we have friends. we have people who know us and places we know where to go and what we're going to get once we're there.
it just sucks during the days when i'm trapped here all by myself with nothing to do but watch tv that makes me feel fat, eat crap (which is my own fault and problem) and look for jobs i can't get because they're too freaking far away. this is my life.
welcome to my pity party. tea for all. but i ate all the cookies so deal.
Friday, April 9, 2010
really?? really?? you think you can do this? doubtful.
so it's official. i've decided to go back to school. and here's the kicker: i've decided to go back to school for a masters in occupational therapy. my goal is to one day incorporate everything i've learned about art history and occupational therapy and perhaps help children deal with the stressful times in their lives through interpreting art but that's getting ahead of myself. first i'd just like to help someone. and not by completing their phone needs. actually helping someone relearn or learn how to do something for themselves.
now here's the real iss: going back to school means a lot of things. getting off my ass for one. and going back for occupational therapy means i have to get my loans in order, get the classes i need in order to get into a masters program done; it means getting my gre (eeeekkkk!) and getting my head back in the game. and i'm hoping it means getting some freaking scholarships this year because there's no way i can pay off everything i have now and top it off with some more loans.
i'm currently looking into classes i can take online. i'm looking into going back to unh to take some classes there because they are ranked 24 for best schools for occupational therapy but they have degrees that are attached to occupational therapy masters programs already so i can't help but think i'm starting behind. i haven't taken my prerequisites. i have taken every gen ed i would need but not the right science courses and i've never taken an occupational therapy course in my life. this is going to be fun.
i need to talk to someone. i need to get started. i need to do it now. i just need to know where to begin. fuck.
now here's the real iss: going back to school means a lot of things. getting off my ass for one. and going back for occupational therapy means i have to get my loans in order, get the classes i need in order to get into a masters program done; it means getting my gre (eeeekkkk!) and getting my head back in the game. and i'm hoping it means getting some freaking scholarships this year because there's no way i can pay off everything i have now and top it off with some more loans.
i'm currently looking into classes i can take online. i'm looking into going back to unh to take some classes there because they are ranked 24 for best schools for occupational therapy but they have degrees that are attached to occupational therapy masters programs already so i can't help but think i'm starting behind. i haven't taken my prerequisites. i have taken every gen ed i would need but not the right science courses and i've never taken an occupational therapy course in my life. this is going to be fun.
i need to talk to someone. i need to get started. i need to do it now. i just need to know where to begin. fuck.
Monday, April 5, 2010
my own mistakes
in owning my mistakes i guess i would have to really think about the things that i've done in my life.
i've definitely done my fair share of binge drinking, drinking to forget, drinking as an escape or excuse.
i feel like i've also stepped on a few of my friends. starting in middle school. i would stop talking to people i didn't think were cool enough to hang out with. i had this friend nicole. before we started school we hung out every day. i got irritated with meegan because she ditched all of the people she went to school with to fit in with the cooler kids and here i was, no longer talking or hanging out with nicole because she's goofy and fun and perhaps a bit immature at the time and i wanted every one to think i was cool and sexy and put together and nicole probably could have caught me in that lie. so i pushed our friendship away. just like what was later done to me by amber. although she went the extra mile to tell everyone that i wore padded bras or something completely embarrassing AND stopped talking to me. forgive emily forgive.
i did the same thing again in college. i don't know why. this time it was melissa. bill wanted us to be friends but she started hanging out with me all the time and at first i didn't think it was so bad but then she was learning my passwords and in every aspect of my life in an overwhelming amount. rather than talking to her about it. i stopped talking to her. she defriended me on facebook. she was nice and always there for me when i needed her but i didn't want her as a friend.
i'm still holding a grug against my friend's brother who committed suicide or was murdered last summer because when i was little he would go into my bedroom (i was 6 he was 13) and take off my shirt and play with my nonexistent boobs. my parents only found out because i didn't want to go to dance class one day.
same as my step grandfather always wanting me to sit on his lap even though i was 12. i guess some of these things i didn't really realize were wrong at the time but i never had a good feeling about it.
i feel like i've used guys for sex just as much as they are supposed to use women. i've used guys to fix my car and take me out to eat when i had no intension of doing anything further with them. i've used my appearance for anything i can get from it. and i feel insecure some times now because i wear my engagement ring and people don't look at me the same. i need to feel more secure with me and who i am and what do that makes me happy.
i get uber independent when i feel i need to be, but when i'm in a realationship i tend to lose it. i tend to depend on others happiness for my happiness even though i boast my independence at any chance. i need them to be happy for me to feel happy. i need them to be satisfied for me to be satisfied. my Independence tends to come at a disregard for others and i can't mix that and a relationship so it's like a toss up.
other mistakes: i've cheated and lied about it. i bullshitted papers in college rather than actually doing the work i should have and perhaps then i wouldn't be in this predicament now because i don't feel like i deserve a good job in my field because i didn't put in enough effort. i don't really put a whole lot of effort into anything i don't know i can get because i'm terrified. that's why i've always dated guys who were less attractive than i was or needed me more than i needed them. except for dan. and now erik. they're the only two people i've ever been with that i value their friendship as much as our relationship. and i fucked things up with dan. but i guess that's how it was supposed to be.
i take my parents for granted. i take everything i've been given for granted.
i've definitely done my fair share of binge drinking, drinking to forget, drinking as an escape or excuse.
i feel like i've also stepped on a few of my friends. starting in middle school. i would stop talking to people i didn't think were cool enough to hang out with. i had this friend nicole. before we started school we hung out every day. i got irritated with meegan because she ditched all of the people she went to school with to fit in with the cooler kids and here i was, no longer talking or hanging out with nicole because she's goofy and fun and perhaps a bit immature at the time and i wanted every one to think i was cool and sexy and put together and nicole probably could have caught me in that lie. so i pushed our friendship away. just like what was later done to me by amber. although she went the extra mile to tell everyone that i wore padded bras or something completely embarrassing AND stopped talking to me. forgive emily forgive.
i did the same thing again in college. i don't know why. this time it was melissa. bill wanted us to be friends but she started hanging out with me all the time and at first i didn't think it was so bad but then she was learning my passwords and in every aspect of my life in an overwhelming amount. rather than talking to her about it. i stopped talking to her. she defriended me on facebook. she was nice and always there for me when i needed her but i didn't want her as a friend.
i'm still holding a grug against my friend's brother who committed suicide or was murdered last summer because when i was little he would go into my bedroom (i was 6 he was 13) and take off my shirt and play with my nonexistent boobs. my parents only found out because i didn't want to go to dance class one day.
same as my step grandfather always wanting me to sit on his lap even though i was 12. i guess some of these things i didn't really realize were wrong at the time but i never had a good feeling about it.
i feel like i've used guys for sex just as much as they are supposed to use women. i've used guys to fix my car and take me out to eat when i had no intension of doing anything further with them. i've used my appearance for anything i can get from it. and i feel insecure some times now because i wear my engagement ring and people don't look at me the same. i need to feel more secure with me and who i am and what do that makes me happy.
i get uber independent when i feel i need to be, but when i'm in a realationship i tend to lose it. i tend to depend on others happiness for my happiness even though i boast my independence at any chance. i need them to be happy for me to feel happy. i need them to be satisfied for me to be satisfied. my Independence tends to come at a disregard for others and i can't mix that and a relationship so it's like a toss up.
other mistakes: i've cheated and lied about it. i bullshitted papers in college rather than actually doing the work i should have and perhaps then i wouldn't be in this predicament now because i don't feel like i deserve a good job in my field because i didn't put in enough effort. i don't really put a whole lot of effort into anything i don't know i can get because i'm terrified. that's why i've always dated guys who were less attractive than i was or needed me more than i needed them. except for dan. and now erik. they're the only two people i've ever been with that i value their friendship as much as our relationship. and i fucked things up with dan. but i guess that's how it was supposed to be.
i take my parents for granted. i take everything i've been given for granted.
i still think in blog
sometimes when i'm just sitting around, i still think about what i would say if i was blogging. i haven't been blogging. no, i haven't been abducted by aliens. we finally got wireless internet at my parents house. i guess it's only been a week but it feels like a decade. i'm going insane. every time i tried to open my blog my computer would crash. i thought it was a sign but now i'm just thinking my computer hates me again.
all that time that i was asking for, to figure out my life.... i got it.
now i spend my days watching csi and cleaning the house and resenting being a stay at home. i want a job. i want money. i want a car.
maybe i just really want the second two.
i like not having much to do all day. although, i'm getting to be quite bored.
sometimes i plan my wedding but there's only so much i can do without a paycheck. sometimes i look for jobs but i've finally decided what i want to go back to school for so i just feel like everything here isn't what i want to be doing. i don't know what i want to do now. and it doesn't help that i'm living in the middle of no where without a car that i can call my own. i have to revert back to relying on everyone for everything and it drives me crazy. and then it drives me more crazy because they think i'm not doing anything.. which let's face it. i'm not.
i guess another summer of waitressing is in my future.
all that time that i was asking for, to figure out my life.... i got it.
now i spend my days watching csi and cleaning the house and resenting being a stay at home. i want a job. i want money. i want a car.
maybe i just really want the second two.
i like not having much to do all day. although, i'm getting to be quite bored.
sometimes i plan my wedding but there's only so much i can do without a paycheck. sometimes i look for jobs but i've finally decided what i want to go back to school for so i just feel like everything here isn't what i want to be doing. i don't know what i want to do now. and it doesn't help that i'm living in the middle of no where without a car that i can call my own. i have to revert back to relying on everyone for everything and it drives me crazy. and then it drives me more crazy because they think i'm not doing anything.. which let's face it. i'm not.
i guess another summer of waitressing is in my future.
Monday, March 22, 2010
god save the queen
ok, so now i'm completely crazy... and lost.
and out of the loop.
i've moved back in with my parents to save money for the wedding and the whole just moving back thing and i'm going a little insane. it's not the rentals themselves. they've done nothing but niceness. cook, clean, organize, allowance! who wouldn't love that at the ripe old age of 24?? but i'm trapped. i don't have a job yet, which i've only been here a week so i guess that isn't too bad. my car has this weird muffler sound that erik can't fix because he would need a lift. we don't have the money to fix it and therefore we can't get the stinkin thing inspected. (which if we were still living in az we wouldn't have to....)
but the worst of it is... there's no wireless internet here. and two gaming consoles. TWO. i'm odd man out every time. i'm trapped and lost and i can't get my internet whenever i want. therefore, i've been blog free for far too long. and i don't like it. i miss my world.
when i don't blog, i stress. i think about what i could be blogging if i could only type. i think about my stinkin' wedding planning that's going no where and yet it's only 6 months away. i think about... well, let's face it. i don't think much about getting a job.. who would? but i do think about what all you people are up to that i'm missing out on.
basically, i have everything a girl could ask for (family, friends and food:) but i miss my world.
and out of the loop.
i've moved back in with my parents to save money for the wedding and the whole just moving back thing and i'm going a little insane. it's not the rentals themselves. they've done nothing but niceness. cook, clean, organize, allowance! who wouldn't love that at the ripe old age of 24?? but i'm trapped. i don't have a job yet, which i've only been here a week so i guess that isn't too bad. my car has this weird muffler sound that erik can't fix because he would need a lift. we don't have the money to fix it and therefore we can't get the stinkin thing inspected. (which if we were still living in az we wouldn't have to....)
but the worst of it is... there's no wireless internet here. and two gaming consoles. TWO. i'm odd man out every time. i'm trapped and lost and i can't get my internet whenever i want. therefore, i've been blog free for far too long. and i don't like it. i miss my world.
when i don't blog, i stress. i think about what i could be blogging if i could only type. i think about my stinkin' wedding planning that's going no where and yet it's only 6 months away. i think about... well, let's face it. i don't think much about getting a job.. who would? but i do think about what all you people are up to that i'm missing out on.
basically, i have everything a girl could ask for (family, friends and food:) but i miss my world.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
the one where i snuck into my parents house and they forgot i had been gone for 8 months and i temporarily went insane..at least i hope it's temporary
i know, i know... it's been a while. truth be told... i've missed you too.
but the craziness is......... WE MADE IT.
we left arizona reluctantly and at least 4 days later than i expected. at first we were like well, we don't really have anything to be getting back to and then it was let's go for a hike and then we like debbie... and the excuses continued. the worst was when we were like, ok we're leaving sunday for realz. sunday... the only day it rained and seriously? who want to take their 42" plasma out in that?
now all signs are pointing to why the hell did you leave? you know az was made for you!
it started with our adventure out of az. we hit up sedona (beautiful), the grand canyon (seriously, beautiful) and then trucked through the mountains to get to the four corners which i had never been to... where all four states meet. that should have made us turn around. we got there, after driving all damn day--exhausted and having to pee like whoa-- so excited. and then the sign (i'll have to post pictures later because i'm on my parents computer.) CLOSED FOR CONSTRUCTION.
SERIOUSLY? WTF? how can you close a national monument for construction? what on earth do you have to do? move the damn states? ugh. so yes, nice picture of me flipping off the sign. :)
from there, we traveled until our eyes bled and spent the night in cortez, co. we left in the morning with high hopes and the excitement of a new state.
wrong. we spent the next 12 hours fighting for our lives. ok, maybe that was just me. i think erik chose this route on purpose because he knows i'm afraid of heights. we went up and down every mountain possible and just when you think you've reached your limit. seriously, nothing can get scarier than this (unless, of course a clown popped out of the endless cliffs inches away from the edge as our car skirted around these snowy corners-- clowns are terrifying. no joke.) we were stopped at the top of a mountain and forced to wait an hour and a half for them to do something with the road. DO SOMETHING WITH THE ROAD MEANS CLEAR A FREAKING AVALANCHE. NOT COOL.
we got to the end of this insane highway after hours of breath taking turns and me white nuckling the side of the car (beautiful view, i just prefere a postcard.) we landed in ouray, co. beautiful is not the right word to describe it. this place was perfect. tucked away in the middle of the mountains. hot springs. just everything you could ever imagine all snuggled in between a range of mountains. we went into this little shop and the woman was like oh, you just came down the million dollar highway? in a toyota corolla? did you have chains? no? are you crazy? you are so LUCKY. yea, that's right. i had every right to be fearing for my life as we went through those 10 mile an hour turns in a snow storm. but then i got chocolate and a sandwich so it was all ok.
next in our adventures of you really shouldn't have left az was when the same woman told us that the highway we were planning on taking through co had just had a rock slide and she thought it might have been closed.
they have to have a detour route right? well of course, but what they dont' tell you is what should have taken an hour detoured into 6 hours of middle of no where driving in another snow storm with my car so weighed down that it tops out at 40 mph. yep. mack trucks are beating us up these hills.
12 hours of this up and down later, we ended up in winter park, co. still on our detour, crazed out of our minds with altitude sickness. i'm ashamed to admit i kept stating, my head is lead. i have a lead head. why is my head so heavy? i guess that's what happens when 11,000 feet meets no water or food. we ate an entire pizza and felt the same as if we didn't eat anything. needless to say, we were happy to be leaving and be back on flat ground.
so happy in fact that i got a HUGE water and a red bull and decided i wanted to drive through the rest of the way... ok so it wasn't exactly straight through because erik did drive when i started to get crazy and seeing things but while he attempted to sleep after driving through kansas, i got us through missouri (porn, god and arcades!) illinois (big trucks and rain!) and indiana. we ate breakfast and kept going. 38 hours after leaving co, i was sneaking into my parents house.
but the craziness is......... WE MADE IT.
we left arizona reluctantly and at least 4 days later than i expected. at first we were like well, we don't really have anything to be getting back to and then it was let's go for a hike and then we like debbie... and the excuses continued. the worst was when we were like, ok we're leaving sunday for realz. sunday... the only day it rained and seriously? who want to take their 42" plasma out in that?
now all signs are pointing to why the hell did you leave? you know az was made for you!
it started with our adventure out of az. we hit up sedona (beautiful), the grand canyon (seriously, beautiful) and then trucked through the mountains to get to the four corners which i had never been to... where all four states meet. that should have made us turn around. we got there, after driving all damn day--exhausted and having to pee like whoa-- so excited. and then the sign (i'll have to post pictures later because i'm on my parents computer.) CLOSED FOR CONSTRUCTION.
SERIOUSLY? WTF? how can you close a national monument for construction? what on earth do you have to do? move the damn states? ugh. so yes, nice picture of me flipping off the sign. :)
from there, we traveled until our eyes bled and spent the night in cortez, co. we left in the morning with high hopes and the excitement of a new state.
wrong. we spent the next 12 hours fighting for our lives. ok, maybe that was just me. i think erik chose this route on purpose because he knows i'm afraid of heights. we went up and down every mountain possible and just when you think you've reached your limit. seriously, nothing can get scarier than this (unless, of course a clown popped out of the endless cliffs inches away from the edge as our car skirted around these snowy corners-- clowns are terrifying. no joke.) we were stopped at the top of a mountain and forced to wait an hour and a half for them to do something with the road. DO SOMETHING WITH THE ROAD MEANS CLEAR A FREAKING AVALANCHE. NOT COOL.
we got to the end of this insane highway after hours of breath taking turns and me white nuckling the side of the car (beautiful view, i just prefere a postcard.) we landed in ouray, co. beautiful is not the right word to describe it. this place was perfect. tucked away in the middle of the mountains. hot springs. just everything you could ever imagine all snuggled in between a range of mountains. we went into this little shop and the woman was like oh, you just came down the million dollar highway? in a toyota corolla? did you have chains? no? are you crazy? you are so LUCKY. yea, that's right. i had every right to be fearing for my life as we went through those 10 mile an hour turns in a snow storm. but then i got chocolate and a sandwich so it was all ok.
next in our adventures of you really shouldn't have left az was when the same woman told us that the highway we were planning on taking through co had just had a rock slide and she thought it might have been closed.
they have to have a detour route right? well of course, but what they dont' tell you is what should have taken an hour detoured into 6 hours of middle of no where driving in another snow storm with my car so weighed down that it tops out at 40 mph. yep. mack trucks are beating us up these hills.
12 hours of this up and down later, we ended up in winter park, co. still on our detour, crazed out of our minds with altitude sickness. i'm ashamed to admit i kept stating, my head is lead. i have a lead head. why is my head so heavy? i guess that's what happens when 11,000 feet meets no water or food. we ate an entire pizza and felt the same as if we didn't eat anything. needless to say, we were happy to be leaving and be back on flat ground.
so happy in fact that i got a HUGE water and a red bull and decided i wanted to drive through the rest of the way... ok so it wasn't exactly straight through because erik did drive when i started to get crazy and seeing things but while he attempted to sleep after driving through kansas, i got us through missouri (porn, god and arcades!) illinois (big trucks and rain!) and indiana. we ate breakfast and kept going. 38 hours after leaving co, i was sneaking into my parents house.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
and this is what happened after erik had given up half his suitcase for me but tried to throw out a towel...
during this move i've really had to come to terms with my need for things.
i have a lot. mainly clothing. actually erik would say it's all clothing. and shoes.
i feel like i store memories in clothes. that summer i wore that dress, those shoes i bought with bill, that night out with the girls.
but then there are other things where i feel like i hold on to them because i think they're unique. i think they have something interesting to say. like the towels from my grandparents house that they got in hawaii.
i know i shouldn't be putting so much emphasis on things. and trust me, doing all this and moving cross country with another person in a COROLLA is hard enough.
erik is so willing to just let everything go. poor guy. he has like a pair of pants and a backpack and he's all set... i'm sitting here unwilling to give up my 5 bags of clothes, two bags of shoes and everything else i've ever owned.
i don't know how i got to defining myself with things but it's happened and i don't want to give it up. i want more things but i won't get rid of the ones i have. i like the stories, the thoughts that go along with them... but won't i still have them even if the actual things are there? probably, but i guess i'm afraid i won't have any reason to remember those things, remember those moments, that dance, that day, that person.
but if i do give up that towel... can i get a new shirt? maybe new memories are where it's at :)
i'm so not giving up that towel...
i have a lot. mainly clothing. actually erik would say it's all clothing. and shoes.
i feel like i store memories in clothes. that summer i wore that dress, those shoes i bought with bill, that night out with the girls.
but then there are other things where i feel like i hold on to them because i think they're unique. i think they have something interesting to say. like the towels from my grandparents house that they got in hawaii.
i know i shouldn't be putting so much emphasis on things. and trust me, doing all this and moving cross country with another person in a COROLLA is hard enough.
erik is so willing to just let everything go. poor guy. he has like a pair of pants and a backpack and he's all set... i'm sitting here unwilling to give up my 5 bags of clothes, two bags of shoes and everything else i've ever owned.
i don't know how i got to defining myself with things but it's happened and i don't want to give it up. i want more things but i won't get rid of the ones i have. i like the stories, the thoughts that go along with them... but won't i still have them even if the actual things are there? probably, but i guess i'm afraid i won't have any reason to remember those things, remember those moments, that dance, that day, that person.
but if i do give up that towel... can i get a new shirt? maybe new memories are where it's at :)
i'm so not giving up that towel...
Friday, March 5, 2010
a letter to my brother
back story: my brother has been ready to join the service since he was like four. since he knew what the service was he was ready to go in. my grandfather, pop, was a world war two vet and proud of it. he'd tell us stories about the war and about general patten growing up. he lived with us for four years before he died. jake is my only brother, seven years younger, and he just signed in for the marines even though he won't be 18 until august. (and he's not allowed to go in until after my wedding... a girl can't get married without a ring-bearer.) we grew up with crazy hippie parents and he has been my go to man for a handle on the insanity that is our family and the whole thought of not having him around makes me a little nutty.
dear jake,
i'm not exactly sure what happened last night. we were talking about pop and hospice and i guess in a sense death and yadda yadda... which you know is weird but fine, whatever.
then somehow later in the night we started talking about god and our beliefs and being spiritual. barbara is trying to convince erik and i that we should stay here and we can't leave until we're in tune to reiki which sounds like a creepy cult of sorts.
when we were talking about pop, i started to get semi emotional because i miss him and stuff and barbara was talking about how much we helped with him and how special we are and we're such good people for helping out with him... not that we really had a choice. he's family and amazing but whatever. i knew things we're gonna be bad at that point because i got this huge knot in my throat and i was trying really hard to keep it together and barbara kept hugging me.
now keep in mind i had had four beers by this point and barbara was wasted (although i'm kinda tearing up now just thinking about it butttttt.....) somehow we got on the topic of you going to the marines and i lost it. i lost it like i did when i had to tell you that pop died. i was crying so hard, i was heaving and sobbing and i had snot all over my face.
barbara kept saying how you're going to be fine and you're not going to die and blah blah blah.. you're gonna be a hero like pop. but that's not what worries me. i know you're going to be fine. and you're going to do great. i even except the fate of things that if you were to die it'd must be your time...
she kept asking me what it's like, what i'm feeling... i guess she didn't really think of it from my side... having my only brother leave...
i couldn't tell her because i couldn't put it into word but it's not what she thinks... it's more that i'm afraid of what you're going to see, what you're going to have to deal with, how you're going to change. that's what scares me the most. i'm afraid of what's going to happen after you get back.
i've heard the same stories as you have my whole life. you know what you're getting yourself into, probably better than most people and i completely respect you for it. i'm just terrified of what you're going to have to live through and how you'll deal with that when you get back. i don't want you to change. i don't want you to lose your spark or become a meathead. that's what makes me the most scared.
i just wanted you to know... i love you and i think you're awesome. but if you become anything but the person that i know you are... i'm rallying the sisters in a convention and i won't let them leave until your back to normal.
just a warning.
love, emily
dear jake,
i'm not exactly sure what happened last night. we were talking about pop and hospice and i guess in a sense death and yadda yadda... which you know is weird but fine, whatever.
then somehow later in the night we started talking about god and our beliefs and being spiritual. barbara is trying to convince erik and i that we should stay here and we can't leave until we're in tune to reiki which sounds like a creepy cult of sorts.
when we were talking about pop, i started to get semi emotional because i miss him and stuff and barbara was talking about how much we helped with him and how special we are and we're such good people for helping out with him... not that we really had a choice. he's family and amazing but whatever. i knew things we're gonna be bad at that point because i got this huge knot in my throat and i was trying really hard to keep it together and barbara kept hugging me.
now keep in mind i had had four beers by this point and barbara was wasted (although i'm kinda tearing up now just thinking about it butttttt.....) somehow we got on the topic of you going to the marines and i lost it. i lost it like i did when i had to tell you that pop died. i was crying so hard, i was heaving and sobbing and i had snot all over my face.
barbara kept saying how you're going to be fine and you're not going to die and blah blah blah.. you're gonna be a hero like pop. but that's not what worries me. i know you're going to be fine. and you're going to do great. i even except the fate of things that if you were to die it'd must be your time...
she kept asking me what it's like, what i'm feeling... i guess she didn't really think of it from my side... having my only brother leave...
i couldn't tell her because i couldn't put it into word but it's not what she thinks... it's more that i'm afraid of what you're going to see, what you're going to have to deal with, how you're going to change. that's what scares me the most. i'm afraid of what's going to happen after you get back.
i've heard the same stories as you have my whole life. you know what you're getting yourself into, probably better than most people and i completely respect you for it. i'm just terrified of what you're going to have to live through and how you'll deal with that when you get back. i don't want you to change. i don't want you to lose your spark or become a meathead. that's what makes me the most scared.
i just wanted you to know... i love you and i think you're awesome. but if you become anything but the person that i know you are... i'm rallying the sisters in a convention and i won't let them leave until your back to normal.
just a warning.
love, emily
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
arizona
time moves differently here. or perhaps it's now.
i wake up and it seems like the crack of dawn but i'm well rested. hours pass by and i either have no idea how much time has passed or i'm amazed by how long each day is.
each day seems to be more fulfilling than the last. there's so much to do and it's all new and fun and exciting. and the sun keeps everything in great spirits.
there has definitely been a weight lifted since leaving texas... that was palpable in the car.
i'm not sure if it's the fact that we're gone, that we're now on vacation or if it's just being here that's really set such a change.
driving, erik did most of it. i just sat, tried to entertain and looked out the window. i felt kinda bad but when i did drive, i realized that there's much more room driving then there is any where else in the car. poor corolla.
we stopped in flagstaff which was nice. i'm pretty sure we stayed in the hotel where bill and i slept in the parking lot only a year and half earlier. the beds were comfy.
in the morning, we learned about the tsunami to the west and snow storms to the east, as we were forced to say that we would buy playing cards for our new south dakota friends and send them out to them... (strange things happen before coffee sometimes..)
we drove out of the snow to the sun and the rain.
we've hiked and read and sat by the pool.
it's been the perfect break from real life and i feel like we've definitely needed it. :)
i wake up and it seems like the crack of dawn but i'm well rested. hours pass by and i either have no idea how much time has passed or i'm amazed by how long each day is.
each day seems to be more fulfilling than the last. there's so much to do and it's all new and fun and exciting. and the sun keeps everything in great spirits.
there has definitely been a weight lifted since leaving texas... that was palpable in the car.
i'm not sure if it's the fact that we're gone, that we're now on vacation or if it's just being here that's really set such a change.
driving, erik did most of it. i just sat, tried to entertain and looked out the window. i felt kinda bad but when i did drive, i realized that there's much more room driving then there is any where else in the car. poor corolla.
we stopped in flagstaff which was nice. i'm pretty sure we stayed in the hotel where bill and i slept in the parking lot only a year and half earlier. the beds were comfy.
in the morning, we learned about the tsunami to the west and snow storms to the east, as we were forced to say that we would buy playing cards for our new south dakota friends and send them out to them... (strange things happen before coffee sometimes..)
we drove out of the snow to the sun and the rain.
we've hiked and read and sat by the pool.
it's been the perfect break from real life and i feel like we've definitely needed it. :)
Monday, March 1, 2010
the reason why guys who play video games do not have girlfriends
i'm going to start this off by saying, i love erik more than anything in the world. i would give him part of my liver or one of my kidneys if possible. he is my life. which is kinda sad but he makes every day better. he's extremely kind, loving and caring and he makes me coffee.
part two is that i also do not mind video games. i understand completely the need to let off steam into a different world. (why else would i be here?) i get the fantasy part and how it feels to take on a different role and dominate.
and the second part of that would be that i admire erik's love of video games because i myself have never found a love as strong and passionate for a hobby. i love that he has seen the changes that have occurred over the decades of playing time and i admire his observations in the ways of each game. he's so thoughtful and insightful when it comes to playing. this really matters to him and i honestly am more than happy to have our 42" plasma and ps3. i find that watching him play is more entertaining at some points than anything that i could do...
that being said, i completely understand why those addicted or even with a mild obsession do not have "real life" girlfriends. girls require certain things in relationships in order for them to keep going. consistency for one. girls like to have and give attention and know that they matter more than anything. they like being able to rely on the man beside them for certain things. they do not like being taken advantage of...
now maybe this is part of being "in the game" the mind frame changes and you forget who you really are after a while, but a negative attitude or a crude remark to a girl does not just disappear after you put the controller down (or throw it down). i know you may be hanging with the boys and what not and i can respect your time but seriously? just because you have a 41 kill streak does not mean you have any more dominance in the real world.
i understand the need to complete something. the need to feel like you've accomplished something or moving up in levels. hell, i'm on farmville. i get this. i understand that these things take time an effort and learning and analyzing the game. but real life does not have to be put on hold, people. you can go out and experience things and the video game world will not collapse. you are not by any means "required" to play. it is not your obligation and you are not being paid to do it.
pay attention to me.
if i am put on hold for a video game or scolded because you are trapped in your world, this is not working for me.
note: this is not a (complete) reflection of my current situation. i have some built up aggression towards video games from past experiences.
note number two: will follow up this blog by posting why i love/hate chick flicks.
part two is that i also do not mind video games. i understand completely the need to let off steam into a different world. (why else would i be here?) i get the fantasy part and how it feels to take on a different role and dominate.
and the second part of that would be that i admire erik's love of video games because i myself have never found a love as strong and passionate for a hobby. i love that he has seen the changes that have occurred over the decades of playing time and i admire his observations in the ways of each game. he's so thoughtful and insightful when it comes to playing. this really matters to him and i honestly am more than happy to have our 42" plasma and ps3. i find that watching him play is more entertaining at some points than anything that i could do...
that being said, i completely understand why those addicted or even with a mild obsession do not have "real life" girlfriends. girls require certain things in relationships in order for them to keep going. consistency for one. girls like to have and give attention and know that they matter more than anything. they like being able to rely on the man beside them for certain things. they do not like being taken advantage of...
now maybe this is part of being "in the game" the mind frame changes and you forget who you really are after a while, but a negative attitude or a crude remark to a girl does not just disappear after you put the controller down (or throw it down). i know you may be hanging with the boys and what not and i can respect your time but seriously? just because you have a 41 kill streak does not mean you have any more dominance in the real world.
i understand the need to complete something. the need to feel like you've accomplished something or moving up in levels. hell, i'm on farmville. i get this. i understand that these things take time an effort and learning and analyzing the game. but real life does not have to be put on hold, people. you can go out and experience things and the video game world will not collapse. you are not by any means "required" to play. it is not your obligation and you are not being paid to do it.
pay attention to me.
if i am put on hold for a video game or scolded because you are trapped in your world, this is not working for me.
note: this is not a (complete) reflection of my current situation. i have some built up aggression towards video games from past experiences.
note number two: will follow up this blog by posting why i love/hate chick flicks.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
leaving time
this is really weird.
as much as i've been looking forward to leaving lubbock, it just hit me... i'm leaving lubbock and i probably won't be coming back. ever. that means everyone that i've met here (aside from a select few), this is the last time i'll ever see them. all the acquaintances and people i've enjoyed conversations with-- that was it. my last chance to say what i wanted to say before i, literally, had to hurry up and get out so the door didn't hit me in the ass on the way out. stupid revolving doors.
when i was leaving new hampshire, it was a well known fact that it was only going to be a matter of time before i was back. whether it be for a visit or for good, my family is there... my lifetime friends are there. there's no way i could stay away.
leaving lubbock is such a different feeling. this is the last time i'm going to have someone awkwardly carry out my groceries for me. this is the last time i'm going to talk to people about their stupid phones (hopefully). it's truly like a chapter is closing and i feel like although some things will always irk me about my time here... i feel like i really had time to grow and figure out what i wanted, what i didn't want, what makes me happy and just today, i grew balls.
the story: although i'm pretty outspoken, i do not enjoy confrontation by any means. i like to procrastinate things i think are going to be hard to deal with. yesterday, there was supposed to be a celebration for our team because we got number one or whatever. not that i want to spend awkward time with my coworkers as previously mentioned but it was AN HOUR off the phones and it was something i was supposed to be part of. except my manager changed my schedule. so everyone else got to go but me. (she devil, anyone?) normally, i would have loathed more, kept it to myself.... not today. today i had a lovely discussion with her boss. and although i'm leaving and i'm sure he's not really going to do anything because he seems to deal with conflict as well as i used to but it feels good to have it off my chest. (ok, so my balls are tiny) and it feels even better to know that this new me is following me every where and i will never be miss stepped on again.
so although i do complain (A LOT), good has come out of lubbock. i'm a stronger better person, who has a better understanding of what i want/need to do with my life. i now know what i do not want to do with my life which is stepping me closer to what i do want which is still undecided. i met some great people who i'll carry with me. erik and i have definitely had a time and a half to bond (not to mention this trip ahead of us which will be bondtastic!) experiences, right? who'd a thunk it...
as much as i've been looking forward to leaving lubbock, it just hit me... i'm leaving lubbock and i probably won't be coming back. ever. that means everyone that i've met here (aside from a select few), this is the last time i'll ever see them. all the acquaintances and people i've enjoyed conversations with-- that was it. my last chance to say what i wanted to say before i, literally, had to hurry up and get out so the door didn't hit me in the ass on the way out. stupid revolving doors.
when i was leaving new hampshire, it was a well known fact that it was only going to be a matter of time before i was back. whether it be for a visit or for good, my family is there... my lifetime friends are there. there's no way i could stay away.
leaving lubbock is such a different feeling. this is the last time i'm going to have someone awkwardly carry out my groceries for me. this is the last time i'm going to talk to people about their stupid phones (hopefully). it's truly like a chapter is closing and i feel like although some things will always irk me about my time here... i feel like i really had time to grow and figure out what i wanted, what i didn't want, what makes me happy and just today, i grew balls.
the story: although i'm pretty outspoken, i do not enjoy confrontation by any means. i like to procrastinate things i think are going to be hard to deal with. yesterday, there was supposed to be a celebration for our team because we got number one or whatever. not that i want to spend awkward time with my coworkers as previously mentioned but it was AN HOUR off the phones and it was something i was supposed to be part of. except my manager changed my schedule. so everyone else got to go but me. (she devil, anyone?) normally, i would have loathed more, kept it to myself.... not today. today i had a lovely discussion with her boss. and although i'm leaving and i'm sure he's not really going to do anything because he seems to deal with conflict as well as i used to but it feels good to have it off my chest. (ok, so my balls are tiny) and it feels even better to know that this new me is following me every where and i will never be miss stepped on again.
so although i do complain (A LOT), good has come out of lubbock. i'm a stronger better person, who has a better understanding of what i want/need to do with my life. i now know what i do not want to do with my life which is stepping me closer to what i do want which is still undecided. i met some great people who i'll carry with me. erik and i have definitely had a time and a half to bond (not to mention this trip ahead of us which will be bondtastic!) experiences, right? who'd a thunk it...
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
needing to let go, any suggestions?
i've been a stress case for the last day or so. scratch that. i've been a stress case for the last 6 months.
ever since erik and i have been in texas we've been waiting for our next move.
i, miss independent, am not used to sharing. i'm not used to having another person depend on me for anything and i'm used to pretty much doing everything my own way and not thinking about anyone else.
since i brought erik here and it's my fault we're stuck here, i've felt extremely guilty. i feel guilty every time i go out without him because i know he's stuck here, bored. i feel guilty any time i spend money that's not "us" or future related because all i can think about is how we should be saving for the wedding or saving to leave or spending it on food.
i had a straight up panic attack the other day because we bought funny hats and glasses that we didn't necessarily need although the hats have come in handy because we spent $50 and that could have been money we were saving.
the whole time we've been here i've been a bundle of nerves. i can't relax. i can't think straight most of the time. erik puts a lot of things in perspective for me. this is an experience. we need experiences. we need to let go of things. i can't be so worried all the time because then i'll never have fun. it's just money.
i'm hoping that once we leave here, i leave this side of me behind. i freak out all the time about things i have absolutely no control over. i worry about the future and what MIGHT happen. i'm not allowing myself to have fun.
this so much so that i think it's become the cause of my recent health issues.
it started off that i needed to get a pap smear so i could get my birth control. in that, i found out that i had not only bacterial vaginois but also i needed to be treated for a yeast infection. fine, whatever. that's done. actual pap comes back, ABNORMAL.
FREAK.
i don't have time/insurance to cover a dr appt here. i'm leaving the end of this week. what if it's cancer? can i wait a month?
relax. i feel like everything happens for a reason. if it is cancer, i'm going to kick it's ass. if it's not and it's something else, watch out because i'm still an ass kicker.
i've been in a rut here. for a while. i feel like even if this is nothing (which i won't know because i can't get a dr appt until april 9th) it's a wake up call.
i need to live my life. i can't stress about everything. i can't control everything. i need to have fun. i need laughter and silliness and to spend money sometimes even if it probably isn't the best of ideas.
(i've been kind of resentful of erik because i feel like he doesn't have the pressure that i have one me about money. he's more relaxed. he buys things he wants and does what he wants and i'm stuck freaking out about every cent we have. he has video games and ps3s and i bought a t shirt once. it's my own fault. he's told me from the beginning that if i wanted to buy something i could. it's more my money than his. but i always feel so gd guilty.--- again i had a panic attack because we bought HATS)
i need to relax.
i need to work some place that's fun and not necessarily for the money. i need to do things i want to do. i need to have more fun with life rather than stressing about each detail and what COULD happen. i feel like i'm giving myself health issues. (i didn't even mention the stress mark i have on my finger.. the last time i got it was 2007 when both my grandmothers died, my apt flooded, my cat died, my dad had a triple bypass and my friend almost died giving birth--- i'm having the same reactions as i did then. i think i'm probably worse off now. what is wrong with me???)
so this is me letting go. if anyone catches me stress casing again, stop me. i don't know how. i don't know what you'll have to do but seriously, this is my only life and i'm ruining it worrying about things that don't matter that much in the long run. and i could be making that run a little bit shorter because of it.
ever since erik and i have been in texas we've been waiting for our next move.
i, miss independent, am not used to sharing. i'm not used to having another person depend on me for anything and i'm used to pretty much doing everything my own way and not thinking about anyone else.
since i brought erik here and it's my fault we're stuck here, i've felt extremely guilty. i feel guilty every time i go out without him because i know he's stuck here, bored. i feel guilty any time i spend money that's not "us" or future related because all i can think about is how we should be saving for the wedding or saving to leave or spending it on food.
i had a straight up panic attack the other day because we bought funny hats and glasses that we didn't necessarily need although the hats have come in handy because we spent $50 and that could have been money we were saving.
the whole time we've been here i've been a bundle of nerves. i can't relax. i can't think straight most of the time. erik puts a lot of things in perspective for me. this is an experience. we need experiences. we need to let go of things. i can't be so worried all the time because then i'll never have fun. it's just money.
i'm hoping that once we leave here, i leave this side of me behind. i freak out all the time about things i have absolutely no control over. i worry about the future and what MIGHT happen. i'm not allowing myself to have fun.
this so much so that i think it's become the cause of my recent health issues.
it started off that i needed to get a pap smear so i could get my birth control. in that, i found out that i had not only bacterial vaginois but also i needed to be treated for a yeast infection. fine, whatever. that's done. actual pap comes back, ABNORMAL.
FREAK.
i don't have time/insurance to cover a dr appt here. i'm leaving the end of this week. what if it's cancer? can i wait a month?
relax. i feel like everything happens for a reason. if it is cancer, i'm going to kick it's ass. if it's not and it's something else, watch out because i'm still an ass kicker.
i've been in a rut here. for a while. i feel like even if this is nothing (which i won't know because i can't get a dr appt until april 9th) it's a wake up call.
i need to live my life. i can't stress about everything. i can't control everything. i need to have fun. i need laughter and silliness and to spend money sometimes even if it probably isn't the best of ideas.
(i've been kind of resentful of erik because i feel like he doesn't have the pressure that i have one me about money. he's more relaxed. he buys things he wants and does what he wants and i'm stuck freaking out about every cent we have. he has video games and ps3s and i bought a t shirt once. it's my own fault. he's told me from the beginning that if i wanted to buy something i could. it's more my money than his. but i always feel so gd guilty.--- again i had a panic attack because we bought HATS)
i need to relax.
i need to work some place that's fun and not necessarily for the money. i need to do things i want to do. i need to have more fun with life rather than stressing about each detail and what COULD happen. i feel like i'm giving myself health issues. (i didn't even mention the stress mark i have on my finger.. the last time i got it was 2007 when both my grandmothers died, my apt flooded, my cat died, my dad had a triple bypass and my friend almost died giving birth--- i'm having the same reactions as i did then. i think i'm probably worse off now. what is wrong with me???)
so this is me letting go. if anyone catches me stress casing again, stop me. i don't know how. i don't know what you'll have to do but seriously, this is my only life and i'm ruining it worrying about things that don't matter that much in the long run. and i could be making that run a little bit shorter because of it.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
why i don't bet
so erik and i made a bet tonight.
i'm terrible at betting. i never do it. but this, i decided, was worthy of betting.
erik and i were watching i hate valentine's day (which actually wasn't as bad as i thought it would be but still... ) and we had the conversation:
erik: did you know that guys a country singer?
me: nah uh. there's no way he's a country singer. he was on sex and the city.
e: no, he's a country singer. i can't believe you didn't know this.
m: no. no way. you're so wrong. you're mistaking him for someone else.
e: you wanna bet on it?
m: what are we betting here?
e: i bet you............ for two weeks you can't argue with me.
(this is funny because i argue with erik over everything and yet i'm always wrong. like 98% of the time but seriously? i have this one in the bag. still argument persists. this is usually declared as me lawyering something... but that's only the way i back out of something i could/could not have said previously...)
m: NUH UH. one day.
e: three weeks.
m: 3 days tops.
e: one week.
m: 2 days.
e: whaaa? you can't go backwards like that. that's not a good compromise.
m: yes i can.
e: fine four weeks.
m: uh... 4 days.
e: one week.
m: ugh. ok. (knowing he's not going to win this anyhow.
e: what do you want?
m: champagne and sex.
e: done.
** hand shake**
i googled it.
WTF. who knew he was a country singer? seriously. he's no darius rucker. just stick to what you're good at...... AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGH.
e:i think i even saw his video once which is crazy cause you know how much i watch that...
m: do i still get champagne?
ugh. this is going to be the longest week ever. thank god we're not stuck in the car for another 4-5 days. this is gonna be rough.
UPDATE: half me being bitter and hoping erik had enough pinot noir to forget/ half me trying to keep up with my side of this stinking bet.
**later***
m: this week is going to be rough.
e: you mean two weeks.
m: no, one week.
e: no, we agreed on two weeks.
m: ?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?
m: ugh.. FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE.
this is so not fair.
i'm terrible at betting. i never do it. but this, i decided, was worthy of betting.
erik and i were watching i hate valentine's day (which actually wasn't as bad as i thought it would be but still... ) and we had the conversation:
erik: did you know that guys a country singer?
me: nah uh. there's no way he's a country singer. he was on sex and the city.
e: no, he's a country singer. i can't believe you didn't know this.
m: no. no way. you're so wrong. you're mistaking him for someone else.
e: you wanna bet on it?
m: what are we betting here?
e: i bet you............ for two weeks you can't argue with me.
(this is funny because i argue with erik over everything and yet i'm always wrong. like 98% of the time but seriously? i have this one in the bag. still argument persists. this is usually declared as me lawyering something... but that's only the way i back out of something i could/could not have said previously...)
m: NUH UH. one day.
e: three weeks.
m: 3 days tops.
e: one week.
m: 2 days.
e: whaaa? you can't go backwards like that. that's not a good compromise.
m: yes i can.
e: fine four weeks.
m: uh... 4 days.
e: one week.
m: ugh. ok. (knowing he's not going to win this anyhow.
e: what do you want?
m: champagne and sex.
e: done.
** hand shake**
i googled it.
WTF. who knew he was a country singer? seriously. he's no darius rucker. just stick to what you're good at...... AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGH.
e:i think i even saw his video once which is crazy cause you know how much i watch that...
m: do i still get champagne?
ugh. this is going to be the longest week ever. thank god we're not stuck in the car for another 4-5 days. this is gonna be rough.
UPDATE: half me being bitter and hoping erik had enough pinot noir to forget/ half me trying to keep up with my side of this stinking bet.
**later***
m: this week is going to be rough.
e: you mean two weeks.
m: no, one week.
e: no, we agreed on two weeks.
m: ?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?
m: ugh.. FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE.
this is so not fair.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
mystery tapes are fun... as long as they aren't in french
i'm nervous. i just told erik...
his response: why are you nervous honey?
(put this sentence in fast forward)becauseihavenoideawhattoexpectandthisisexactlywhatitryandavoidbyplanningeverythingmyself
the only thing i know about tonight is that it's from 8-10 and i have to wear a white bra and tank top.... oh god this is gonna be good.. she said as she ran out the door...
well truth be told, it was good. it was more than good. it was fantastic. all the nightmares i've ever had about a rerun of my cousin's bachelorette party (aka sitting next to my godmother getting at lap dance while thinking there's no way in hell this bar has enough alcohol to remove this image from my head) vanished.
the tank top/bra was actually a warning for a thin tee shirt i would be wearing for the rest of the night (thank you kaylee.)
although, these comments were previously noted.. i was not aware of the little mermaid penis crown on my head until we were driving down the road after previously going into TWO family places in search of a scavenger hunt of 3 bobbie pins, 5 tooth picks, ketchup packets, a book of matches, men's underwear, a pacifier, purple ribbon, a super tampon, and RIBBED condoms. i sat in erin's car -- shocked that i had not only entered and spoken with numerous people but also I HAD PENISES ON MY HEAD. so in true emily form, i made up a song about it to calm my nerves.
i had to leave joann fabric because the girl couldn't get it through her head that not only was this a scavenger hunt and i'm on a time crunch and YES I NEED PURPLE, DO YOU NEED ME TO REPEAT THAT PURPLE RIBBON. NO I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR YOU TO GET A DIFFERENT ONE AND NO I AM NOT PAYING FOR A SAMPLE, JUST FREAKING GIVE IT TO ME AND STAT WOMAN WHAT THE ...
i didn't realize she's was probably just shocked by seeing so many tiny penises in one place.
so as we walked into our third family facility (with penis crowd firmly secured on my head), kenda and i thought it best to split up as we had 2 of the items. my job, bathrooms to find tampons or condoms. her job, everything else while continuing the search for the same items.
as i'm walking through the restaurant/fun center/place i once frequented so please don't let me run into anyone i know scowering at babies hoping for a dropped pacifier or one i could causally steal, i lost kenda. that's right, i'm all alone asking random guys for ribbed condoms with penises on my head.
after my round about of desperately looking for my sole companion in this debacle, i exited the building only to enter the next entrance (very sneakily) to hear kenda yelling at this group of three guys SAFE SEX, come on! apparently this is not the place to get ribbed condoms.
it is, however, the place to get a giant balloon pacifier made. i'm no good with balloons. i break them but this one was special so i kept it safe as we sped through the town, not a moment too late entering the lingerie shop where the party was held with just enough creativity to win our very own humdingers.
after round one, it was time for a quick round of catch the sticky penis before heading out for the alcohol. (i made the mistake of asking why on earth a penis that large would be that sticky...just as kenda stuck it to the counter...................it all makes sense now... sorta... )
we said fair well to the non all nighters and headed out where i not only got my fill of lemons and apples, but i got my pussy wet, had sex on the beach and finished the evening up nicely with beef brisket. which is how i'm assuming all evenings like this should come to a close.
*** best present of the night****
kenda gifted me her box (and by box i mean, tape holder of awesomeness with wood paneling) of tapes from a variety of times and mixes for the ride back. seriously, coolest gift ever. i will be traveling cross country in style with the musings of madonna, paula abdul and alladin. toss in a few mystery tapes and we're set to hit the road...
his response: why are you nervous honey?
(put this sentence in fast forward)becauseihavenoideawhattoexpectandthisisexactlywhatitryandavoidbyplanningeverythingmyself
the only thing i know about tonight is that it's from 8-10 and i have to wear a white bra and tank top.... oh god this is gonna be good.. she said as she ran out the door...
well truth be told, it was good. it was more than good. it was fantastic. all the nightmares i've ever had about a rerun of my cousin's bachelorette party (aka sitting next to my godmother getting at lap dance while thinking there's no way in hell this bar has enough alcohol to remove this image from my head) vanished.
the tank top/bra was actually a warning for a thin tee shirt i would be wearing for the rest of the night (thank you kaylee.)
although, these comments were previously noted.. i was not aware of the little mermaid penis crown on my head until we were driving down the road after previously going into TWO family places in search of a scavenger hunt of 3 bobbie pins, 5 tooth picks, ketchup packets, a book of matches, men's underwear, a pacifier, purple ribbon, a super tampon, and RIBBED condoms. i sat in erin's car -- shocked that i had not only entered and spoken with numerous people but also I HAD PENISES ON MY HEAD. so in true emily form, i made up a song about it to calm my nerves.
i had to leave joann fabric because the girl couldn't get it through her head that not only was this a scavenger hunt and i'm on a time crunch and YES I NEED PURPLE, DO YOU NEED ME TO REPEAT THAT PURPLE RIBBON. NO I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR YOU TO GET A DIFFERENT ONE AND NO I AM NOT PAYING FOR A SAMPLE, JUST FREAKING GIVE IT TO ME AND STAT WOMAN WHAT THE ...
i didn't realize she's was probably just shocked by seeing so many tiny penises in one place.
so as we walked into our third family facility (with penis crowd firmly secured on my head), kenda and i thought it best to split up as we had 2 of the items. my job, bathrooms to find tampons or condoms. her job, everything else while continuing the search for the same items.
as i'm walking through the restaurant/fun center/place i once frequented so please don't let me run into anyone i know scowering at babies hoping for a dropped pacifier or one i could causally steal, i lost kenda. that's right, i'm all alone asking random guys for ribbed condoms with penises on my head.
after my round about of desperately looking for my sole companion in this debacle, i exited the building only to enter the next entrance (very sneakily) to hear kenda yelling at this group of three guys SAFE SEX, come on! apparently this is not the place to get ribbed condoms.
it is, however, the place to get a giant balloon pacifier made. i'm no good with balloons. i break them but this one was special so i kept it safe as we sped through the town, not a moment too late entering the lingerie shop where the party was held with just enough creativity to win our very own humdingers.
after round one, it was time for a quick round of catch the sticky penis before heading out for the alcohol. (i made the mistake of asking why on earth a penis that large would be that sticky...just as kenda stuck it to the counter...................it all makes sense now... sorta... )
we said fair well to the non all nighters and headed out where i not only got my fill of lemons and apples, but i got my pussy wet, had sex on the beach and finished the evening up nicely with beef brisket. which is how i'm assuming all evenings like this should come to a close.
*** best present of the night****
kenda gifted me her box (and by box i mean, tape holder of awesomeness with wood paneling) of tapes from a variety of times and mixes for the ride back. seriously, coolest gift ever. i will be traveling cross country in style with the musings of madonna, paula abdul and alladin. toss in a few mystery tapes and we're set to hit the road...
Thursday, February 18, 2010
crazy little thing called love
when i met erik... or should i say remet erik... i had absolutely no intention of falling in love with anyone. i was on mission me, i think. solely focused on my own desires and doing what ever i wanted. i had two little weeks left until i was to leave for lubbock which was supposed to be my bouncing ground. i was going to hang out here for a bit. help out a friend. and then from there, travel else where. austin maybe. arizona. where ever the world took me. (thank god for erik for so many reasons.. i might have unknowingly gotten stuck here. that would suck)
the funny thing is i didn't go about this relationship the way i would normally. i was so focused on me, being me, that i didn't for one moment put up a facade.
previously, i would have played it cool, calm, collected. sure i like you but i'm too cool to admit it. you come to me. (underneath this is, omg does he like me? what if he's seeing someone else? how could he possibly? ahhhh! nutzo.) this comes in tact with the perfect hair, make up, and baby soft body at any possible touch.
i think the first time erik touched my legs i hadn't shaved in days. i stopped wearing make up. i don't remember why. lazy probably. half the time i was in jeans and tee shirts cause that's all i could find.
i wasn't looking for anything so it completely took me by surprise when i realized he could love me and even more surprising was when i found out i really loved him too.
obviously it didn't take long. it's funny how that happens. when you aren't pretending, when you aren't putting up this fake person that people want you to be, when you're just being yourself and someone actually falls for you.
erik and i had one night at a bar, one day at the beach and one kiss under the trees. that was it for him. it took me five more days to realize he was serious. it took me five more days to realize i was serious.
we spent every day together. just talking. sharing our thoughts and feelings. thoughts for the future. no judgement. nothing holding us back. (and yes, eventually i shaved my legs for him..)
i honestly had no idea where this was going. he's an amazing person, but i had no idea what to expect once i left the state. and i had to leave the state. for some unknown, undying reason-- i just couldn't stay. and perhaps, i wanted to add it on as a test to us as well as myself that we could do it and i could do it and it was real.
i'm not sure when we officially decided that we were going to get married. four weeks later, he flew down proposed and then we spent six long weeks being engaged and very far apart.
i, some how, convinced him to move here. even though i told him it was ugly and the grass was weird and there's no ocean. i guess it was my last test. no guy had ever gone that far for me before. no one would ever give up their life for me.
it's been eight months.
eight months since the day i told him i wanted him to be my boyfriend. i wanted us to be together. and i wanted to know that it was going some where. that we were serious. some how i still didn't expect to end up here.
i feel like there are days where i completely forget myself and only think about how lucky i am to have this man who would move to lubbock for me. i get nervous and irrational thinking about how i somehow fooled him, but the funny thing is that he fell in love with me. the real me. with no make up, hairy legs and no censoring.
that's pretty cool.
and now we're days away from starting our life. our jumping points. our adventure. i can't wait.
the funny thing is i didn't go about this relationship the way i would normally. i was so focused on me, being me, that i didn't for one moment put up a facade.
previously, i would have played it cool, calm, collected. sure i like you but i'm too cool to admit it. you come to me. (underneath this is, omg does he like me? what if he's seeing someone else? how could he possibly? ahhhh! nutzo.) this comes in tact with the perfect hair, make up, and baby soft body at any possible touch.
i think the first time erik touched my legs i hadn't shaved in days. i stopped wearing make up. i don't remember why. lazy probably. half the time i was in jeans and tee shirts cause that's all i could find.
i wasn't looking for anything so it completely took me by surprise when i realized he could love me and even more surprising was when i found out i really loved him too.
obviously it didn't take long. it's funny how that happens. when you aren't pretending, when you aren't putting up this fake person that people want you to be, when you're just being yourself and someone actually falls for you.
erik and i had one night at a bar, one day at the beach and one kiss under the trees. that was it for him. it took me five more days to realize he was serious. it took me five more days to realize i was serious.
we spent every day together. just talking. sharing our thoughts and feelings. thoughts for the future. no judgement. nothing holding us back. (and yes, eventually i shaved my legs for him..)
i honestly had no idea where this was going. he's an amazing person, but i had no idea what to expect once i left the state. and i had to leave the state. for some unknown, undying reason-- i just couldn't stay. and perhaps, i wanted to add it on as a test to us as well as myself that we could do it and i could do it and it was real.
i'm not sure when we officially decided that we were going to get married. four weeks later, he flew down proposed and then we spent six long weeks being engaged and very far apart.
i, some how, convinced him to move here. even though i told him it was ugly and the grass was weird and there's no ocean. i guess it was my last test. no guy had ever gone that far for me before. no one would ever give up their life for me.
it's been eight months.
eight months since the day i told him i wanted him to be my boyfriend. i wanted us to be together. and i wanted to know that it was going some where. that we were serious. some how i still didn't expect to end up here.
i feel like there are days where i completely forget myself and only think about how lucky i am to have this man who would move to lubbock for me. i get nervous and irrational thinking about how i somehow fooled him, but the funny thing is that he fell in love with me. the real me. with no make up, hairy legs and no censoring.
that's pretty cool.
and now we're days away from starting our life. our jumping points. our adventure. i can't wait.
unless you're dying, don't facebook me.
i feel like there should be some sort of common courtesy law with facebook. i mean, you add your friends and acquaintances but maybe, not the local grocer? why would you ever want to become facebook friends with them? you talk to them once, maybe twice. there's no way unless you have some undying love for groceries where you go there every day and have multiple conversations on the topic and even if you did the likelihood that they like their job as much as you enjoy it is slim to none. i mean, seriously... who loves groceries??
this is how i feel about my current situation. as mentioned time and time again, i work at a call center. i talk to 50 + people a day. by the laws of the call center i am a) required to be nice to you and b) required to say my name twice and your name as many times as i can without being overly obnoxious about it..(actually if i was overly obnoxious about it i'd probably get more wow bucks but you would get pissed so i don't..) and i do not enjoy talking about phones. nor would i ever become your friend so you could get in touch with me whenever you wanted so i can fix them for you. don't even try it.
BUT yet, here i wake up with a friend request from a customer who's iphone i activated the day before. i don't see how this is right. and the worst part is, this isn't the first time. prior to my phone duties, i worked at a bank and the same thing happened.
this is my job. (for the next 7 days!!!) we're not going to become bffs. i'll probably never talk to you again. unless you are in dying need for more friends, we really have nothing to talk about.
facebook is great, don't get me wrong. it keeps my family and friends in check. i know what's going on. i can find out about things that happen to people i barely know/never talk to. but there should be a line drawn as to who can be your friend. if you don't know this person any more than you know their name. maybe nix it? stick to people who in real life you could actually associate with?
now that being said, i feel completely different about bloggers. here we are sharing our lives, if you wanted to be my facebook/real life friend: i'm all for it!
but if i'm working customer service somewhere and you just happen to be a customer of mine and i'm nice to you... just remember, i'm paid to act that way.
think twice before the add.
this is how i feel about my current situation. as mentioned time and time again, i work at a call center. i talk to 50 + people a day. by the laws of the call center i am a) required to be nice to you and b) required to say my name twice and your name as many times as i can without being overly obnoxious about it..(actually if i was overly obnoxious about it i'd probably get more wow bucks but you would get pissed so i don't..) and i do not enjoy talking about phones. nor would i ever become your friend so you could get in touch with me whenever you wanted so i can fix them for you. don't even try it.
BUT yet, here i wake up with a friend request from a customer who's iphone i activated the day before. i don't see how this is right. and the worst part is, this isn't the first time. prior to my phone duties, i worked at a bank and the same thing happened.
this is my job. (for the next 7 days!!!) we're not going to become bffs. i'll probably never talk to you again. unless you are in dying need for more friends, we really have nothing to talk about.
facebook is great, don't get me wrong. it keeps my family and friends in check. i know what's going on. i can find out about things that happen to people i barely know/never talk to. but there should be a line drawn as to who can be your friend. if you don't know this person any more than you know their name. maybe nix it? stick to people who in real life you could actually associate with?
now that being said, i feel completely different about bloggers. here we are sharing our lives, if you wanted to be my facebook/real life friend: i'm all for it!
but if i'm working customer service somewhere and you just happen to be a customer of mine and i'm nice to you... just remember, i'm paid to act that way.
think twice before the add.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
pre-quarter life crisis part one + female stress syndrome.
reading this article about how woman aren't as happy as they used to be... i feel like it all comes down to choice. for example, i was raised by hippie parents who told me i could do anything. formality has told me that i need to be elegant, lady like, convince a man to love me - be the librarian and the stripper, as well as take care of him and dominate the rest of my life.
i'm supposed to have a meaningful job where i make a difference in the world. do something important. but i was never told what i needed to do. i'm fine with the things that i like to do, but they don't seem to be getting me any where. i have my degree. i apparently should be fighting for my field, getting my life situated and still enjoying it.
of course women are less satisfied than they were previously. we've been told we can do anything. we have options. but no one really states how when or where to start. i can do anything, but i have to go to the right schools, get the right jobs and know the right people in order to get there? how do i get that started? and with all these options, where do i start?
i knew i wanted to try living some place that i wasn't comfortable. i wanted to start fresh, see if i could make it. well now i'm here, now what? do i have to plan out everything in my life in order to get any where?
i have this problem where i don't live in the moment and therefore sometimes my life seems stressful when it's not really. i plan, i think, i analyze. i think through every possibility. this makes things less fun. but is my alternative not knowing or staying some where i don't want to be?
i've been given this opportunity to live fully. how am i supposed to be fulfilled? maybe (and this is no way anti-feminist) women have too much going on to be able to be happy and do everything. cause if you tell us that's what we can do, that's what we're gonna try. and then we become stress cases and have quarter life crises.
i'm supposed to have a meaningful job where i make a difference in the world. do something important. but i was never told what i needed to do. i'm fine with the things that i like to do, but they don't seem to be getting me any where. i have my degree. i apparently should be fighting for my field, getting my life situated and still enjoying it.
of course women are less satisfied than they were previously. we've been told we can do anything. we have options. but no one really states how when or where to start. i can do anything, but i have to go to the right schools, get the right jobs and know the right people in order to get there? how do i get that started? and with all these options, where do i start?
i knew i wanted to try living some place that i wasn't comfortable. i wanted to start fresh, see if i could make it. well now i'm here, now what? do i have to plan out everything in my life in order to get any where?
i have this problem where i don't live in the moment and therefore sometimes my life seems stressful when it's not really. i plan, i think, i analyze. i think through every possibility. this makes things less fun. but is my alternative not knowing or staying some where i don't want to be?
i've been given this opportunity to live fully. how am i supposed to be fulfilled? maybe (and this is no way anti-feminist) women have too much going on to be able to be happy and do everything. cause if you tell us that's what we can do, that's what we're gonna try. and then we become stress cases and have quarter life crises.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
hibernation = coma.
thursdays should not be perfect lazy weekend days. it's just not fair having the perfect sunday on a thursday and not only being stuck at work but knowing that there's a whole day that i still have to go to work before i can be lazy...
thursday kaylee and i were discussing this in not so many words. we had had a long night.
wednesday was steve's birthday. we went bowling. and although i did not rip my pants or throw up during a test the next day, the late night was weighing on me.
and it was perfect. snowing, just the right amount that would be wonderful to just sit and watch the flakes fall. it was cold but not too cold. just perfect lazy day. and i was trapped on the phone listening to people complain.
kaylee came up with the perfect solution. although, we are not allowed to claim lazy days as sick days -- we are allowed short term disability. hibernation, the bears short term coma!
this brought me later to thinking dane cook's distaste for girls who exaggerate. what if it wasn't an exaggeration? what if she seriously took a hundred hour nap??
next time there's a good, lazy snow day... that's what i'm doing. i'm gonna call in work and let them know that i'm taking a coma. be back shortly...
thursday kaylee and i were discussing this in not so many words. we had had a long night.
wednesday was steve's birthday. we went bowling. and although i did not rip my pants or throw up during a test the next day, the late night was weighing on me.
and it was perfect. snowing, just the right amount that would be wonderful to just sit and watch the flakes fall. it was cold but not too cold. just perfect lazy day. and i was trapped on the phone listening to people complain.
kaylee came up with the perfect solution. although, we are not allowed to claim lazy days as sick days -- we are allowed short term disability. hibernation, the bears short term coma!
this brought me later to thinking dane cook's distaste for girls who exaggerate. what if it wasn't an exaggeration? what if she seriously took a hundred hour nap??
next time there's a good, lazy snow day... that's what i'm doing. i'm gonna call in work and let them know that i'm taking a coma. be back shortly...
my resignation letter
dear at&t,
i quit. muahahahahaha.
ok but really, as much as i enjoy working strange hours and dealing with people's incessant moaning and complaining about their service/phones/kids/husbands/data usage, i will be departing from this fine establishment of concrete.
no longer will i be bound by nagging managers, wow bucks and balloons. no longer will i be forced to attempt to respond to people while i'm on a call. no longer will i be forced to sell people things they do not really need.
thank you for allowing me hours of slacking off and doodling in training and allowing me to credit people who are just too annoying to get off the phone. thank you for good pay and good benefits, but that's just not enough for me. i'm sick of being just a number.
i'm moving on. february 25th will be my last day at this sea of wannabe cubicles. from that day on, i hope to never work at a call center again.
sincerely,
employee number 540066
dear lubbock,
i'll admit you have your good qualities: cheap rent, cheap beer, cheap food. and the birds are kinda cool. you keep everything you could ever need in one condensed knot which is kinda cool. and we've had our good times, though most of them i don't remember...
but, you're flat and dirty and you have more construction then you do main attractions. i have to be honest, we just don't see eye to eye. we never have. this is a dysfunctional relationship. i tried my best with you (well kinda) but it just isn't working.
it's not you, it's me. and i'm about to get my life back.
yours truly, or should i say mine?
<3
dear branchwater,
do you think there's a way we can get this cute two bedroom townhouse with free internet for $640 back in nh? i have no complaints here. just with your surroundings.
-apt 51
dear texas,
i know i give you a bad rep. it's probably just my own personal experiences here. i'm sorry to always be giving you a bad name, but seriously? we're not friends. we have nothing in common and i can't wait to never ever have to come here again.
i guess when i said i'll never live in texas -- i should've just stuck to my own words and not given you a chance, but here i am. i'll admit you have some interesting characteristics... but don't expect a postcard.
peace!
dear snow,
i moved here to get away from you. yes, you may be beautiful and fun when you first arrive but you're like that house guest who's only coming to visit for the night and 3 years later they're still leaving dishes in the sink.
i understand now that we are meant to be together, but maybe we can work on this relationship? how bout you only stay 3 months out of the year rather than 6? and next time i leave the north, you stay up there?
thanks.
dear parents,
thought you got rid of me, huh?
t - 17 days and counting... stock the fridge!
love.love.love.
i quit. muahahahahaha.
ok but really, as much as i enjoy working strange hours and dealing with people's incessant moaning and complaining about their service/phones/kids/husbands/data usage, i will be departing from this fine establishment of concrete.
no longer will i be bound by nagging managers, wow bucks and balloons. no longer will i be forced to attempt to respond to people while i'm on a call. no longer will i be forced to sell people things they do not really need.
thank you for allowing me hours of slacking off and doodling in training and allowing me to credit people who are just too annoying to get off the phone. thank you for good pay and good benefits, but that's just not enough for me. i'm sick of being just a number.
i'm moving on. february 25th will be my last day at this sea of wannabe cubicles. from that day on, i hope to never work at a call center again.
sincerely,
employee number 540066
dear lubbock,
i'll admit you have your good qualities: cheap rent, cheap beer, cheap food. and the birds are kinda cool. you keep everything you could ever need in one condensed knot which is kinda cool. and we've had our good times, though most of them i don't remember...
but, you're flat and dirty and you have more construction then you do main attractions. i have to be honest, we just don't see eye to eye. we never have. this is a dysfunctional relationship. i tried my best with you (well kinda) but it just isn't working.
it's not you, it's me. and i'm about to get my life back.
yours truly, or should i say mine?
<3
dear branchwater,
do you think there's a way we can get this cute two bedroom townhouse with free internet for $640 back in nh? i have no complaints here. just with your surroundings.
-apt 51
dear texas,
i know i give you a bad rep. it's probably just my own personal experiences here. i'm sorry to always be giving you a bad name, but seriously? we're not friends. we have nothing in common and i can't wait to never ever have to come here again.
i guess when i said i'll never live in texas -- i should've just stuck to my own words and not given you a chance, but here i am. i'll admit you have some interesting characteristics... but don't expect a postcard.
peace!
dear snow,
i moved here to get away from you. yes, you may be beautiful and fun when you first arrive but you're like that house guest who's only coming to visit for the night and 3 years later they're still leaving dishes in the sink.
i understand now that we are meant to be together, but maybe we can work on this relationship? how bout you only stay 3 months out of the year rather than 6? and next time i leave the north, you stay up there?
thanks.
dear parents,
thought you got rid of me, huh?
t - 17 days and counting... stock the fridge!
love.love.love.
Monday, February 8, 2010
sunshine and rainbows, minus the sunshine and actual rainbows
i'm feeling suuupppper positive today and i'm having a hard time keeping it to myself.
all i can think about is how thursday --i'm giving my two weeks notice. from that moment i promise myself that i will never work a job i hate. even if that means never attempting to work a full time job. this is killing me. i hate being fake. i hate being surrounded by negative people. i hate doing things because i was told to and not because they're actually helpful.
which is why i credit like a mofo. that's right, you call me... i'll find something to credit on your bill. unless you're an asshole... or ask for it. then you can suck it.
i think the other part of my glorious mood today was that my manager, satan's spawn, was not at work today. everything seems so much bettter when i don't have to see her crack addicted face.
and i got a lot accomplished. i called the credit card company, i went to the bank, i made erik lunch and coffee, i went grocery shopping, i talked to my mom and now i'm blogging.
and i ate ice cream.
it was fabulous.
but most of all--- it's now only 3 days until i give my two weeks notice and start our road trip home.
i'm so pumped.
all i can think about is how thursday --i'm giving my two weeks notice. from that moment i promise myself that i will never work a job i hate. even if that means never attempting to work a full time job. this is killing me. i hate being fake. i hate being surrounded by negative people. i hate doing things because i was told to and not because they're actually helpful.
which is why i credit like a mofo. that's right, you call me... i'll find something to credit on your bill. unless you're an asshole... or ask for it. then you can suck it.
i think the other part of my glorious mood today was that my manager, satan's spawn, was not at work today. everything seems so much bettter when i don't have to see her crack addicted face.
and i got a lot accomplished. i called the credit card company, i went to the bank, i made erik lunch and coffee, i went grocery shopping, i talked to my mom and now i'm blogging.
and i ate ice cream.
it was fabulous.
but most of all--- it's now only 3 days until i give my two weeks notice and start our road trip home.
i'm so pumped.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
yesterday i was kidnapped
ok, so not really "kidnapped" per se. can you be kidnapped as an adult?
anyhow, yesterday kaylee picked me up and brought me to an undisclosed location where i was informed... i'm having a bachelorette party before i leave and i couldn't be more excited.
as much as a control freak planner as i am (already mapped out our entire trip back, budgeted it and checked through pricings for hotels in each area that we're going as well as places to see and how much we can spend on food), i love surprises. so this is super exciting.
and i'm super pumped to find out who my 10 friends coming to this party are because i, honestly, had no idea i even knew that many people here. i keep thinking and listing and trying to figure it out but i guess i'll have to wait.
did you know that vibrating panties look like a cup? like one that guys wear in baseball? so strange. not so sure that would be comfortable but to each their own.
anyhow, yesterday kaylee picked me up and brought me to an undisclosed location where i was informed... i'm having a bachelorette party before i leave and i couldn't be more excited.
as much as a control freak planner as i am (already mapped out our entire trip back, budgeted it and checked through pricings for hotels in each area that we're going as well as places to see and how much we can spend on food), i love surprises. so this is super exciting.
and i'm super pumped to find out who my 10 friends coming to this party are because i, honestly, had no idea i even knew that many people here. i keep thinking and listing and trying to figure it out but i guess i'll have to wait.
did you know that vibrating panties look like a cup? like one that guys wear in baseball? so strange. not so sure that would be comfortable but to each their own.
Friday, February 5, 2010
carlsbadass caverns- post weekend glory, preweekend style
so before this weekend gets started, i must discuss the escapades of last weekend.
i'm not sure if i mentioned this previously but the only thing that got me through the week before this week was the fact that i, bundled with my friends, was going to get out of texas for a brief moment and for once erik and i wouldn't be having our weekend debate of "well what do you want to do?" "i guess we could watch a movie" (for the 18th millionth time in a row!!)
the destination: carlsbad caverns, new mexico
the excursion: load five grown up sized adults into one vehicle lovingly referred to as a mobile device with makings for beds rations for meals and beer to heed our overworked tongues and then cover for hangover temperatures in the depths of the earth
the result? well, you'll see..
the players:
myself of course (no picture included. trust me. i'm saving you. drunk is not a good look on me. as i'm sure you know by now)
erik
kaylee
the miraculous duo of kenda and steve
and then there was 8 rounds of kings. yes it's perfectly understandable if you are completely jealous of kenda's socks.
and then there was beer.
lots of beer.
lots and lots of beer.
post beer in the morning of the midget house that was our cabin, there was caves.
this is our team of the crazed hangovers at the check point. that's right. STOP, access your hiking fitness. (so we did..) no smoking. we were cautioned that this was a "strenuous hike" and "exhaustion and weak knees were common."
they should have warned: many vulgar shapes ahead. do not mistake rocks for reproductive organs.
that scared kaylee. at least she had her troll to protect her.
badass water drip.
steve will be your tour guide. obviously, as
steve explained to kenda and kaylee the diagnostics of the rock forms
erik and i were finding the super finger of historic proportions.
this was "green lake". i don't know if this is a western thing where you don't have much water or know what this is like to have it all pooled together and stay there but in my parts, we call this a puddle. i guess being 800 feet underground they might have different rules.
and just in case any one had any doubts on how much a cube can carry... it's a lot. we packed it tight. blankets, bags, pillows and 3 humans all in this area.
that's right. we rule. you can be jealous.... now. :)
onward to boring weekend of uneventfulness to make up for lack of sleep during previous period. <3
i'm not sure if i mentioned this previously but the only thing that got me through the week before this week was the fact that i, bundled with my friends, was going to get out of texas for a brief moment and for once erik and i wouldn't be having our weekend debate of "well what do you want to do?" "i guess we could watch a movie" (for the 18th millionth time in a row!!)
the destination: carlsbad caverns, new mexico
the excursion: load five grown up sized adults into one vehicle lovingly referred to as a mobile device with makings for beds rations for meals and beer to heed our overworked tongues and then cover for hangover temperatures in the depths of the earth
the result? well, you'll see..
the players:
myself of course (no picture included. trust me. i'm saving you. drunk is not a good look on me. as i'm sure you know by now)
erik
kaylee
the miraculous duo of kenda and steveand then there was 8 rounds of kings. yes it's perfectly understandable if you are completely jealous of kenda's socks.
and then there was beer.
lots of beer.
lots and lots of beer.post beer in the morning of the midget house that was our cabin, there was caves.
this is our team of the crazed hangovers at the check point. that's right. STOP, access your hiking fitness. (so we did..) no smoking. we were cautioned that this was a "strenuous hike" and "exhaustion and weak knees were common."
they should have warned: many vulgar shapes ahead. do not mistake rocks for reproductive organs. 
that scared kaylee. at least she had her troll to protect her.
badass water drip.
steve will be your tour guide. obviously, as
steve explained to kenda and kaylee the diagnostics of the rock forms
erik and i were finding the super finger of historic proportions.
this was "green lake". i don't know if this is a western thing where you don't have much water or know what this is like to have it all pooled together and stay there but in my parts, we call this a puddle. i guess being 800 feet underground they might have different rules.
and just in case any one had any doubts on how much a cube can carry... it's a lot. we packed it tight. blankets, bags, pillows and 3 humans all in this area.that's right. we rule. you can be jealous.... now. :)
onward to boring weekend of uneventfulness to make up for lack of sleep during previous period. <3
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Seriously? Wtf Texas?
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T
i'm not a stripper/ texas can sink to the abyss
so often erik and i discuss ways that texas could collapse and explode. normally it's like, maybe texas can just become it's own country like they want to so badly and then they'll get abducted by aliens... or sink in to the ocean.. and then we look around and we realize that texas already is filled with mutated alien water creatures that have learned to live in desert country which is why their all retaining water...
today my thoughts are that maybe the reason why it doesn't rain that much is because there's nothing to keep it here. maybe, since there's no drainage in this town, it will turn into an ocean and all the people will wash away back to their alien underground space crafts.. so much for being hopeful.
anyhow, i've become obsessed with this song. i relate living in texas to being the same extreme as having to become a stripper. i'm peacing out.
today my thoughts are that maybe the reason why it doesn't rain that much is because there's nothing to keep it here. maybe, since there's no drainage in this town, it will turn into an ocean and all the people will wash away back to their alien underground space crafts.. so much for being hopeful.
anyhow, i've become obsessed with this song. i relate living in texas to being the same extreme as having to become a stripper. i'm peacing out.
Monday, February 1, 2010
worst case scenario
i was going to blog about our awesome trip to carlsbad caverns this weekend but my mind is lost is other thoughts.
i woke up this morning with the count down in my head. the final count down if you may... as of today it marks the last month of our stay here in texas. the last 26 days. i could not be more excited. every time i think about going home and getting my life back in order i could not be more pleased. i feel like i've lost myself here. i mean, it's been great getting to know a new side of me and understanding a different life and figuring all those things out, but i'm ready to get back to where i know where i stand, i understand where people are coming from and i can focus solely on making things happen rather than spending every day waiting for the end of limbo.
26 days. and yet here's where my head is:
i'm a worst case scenario planner. i like to know exactly what the worst thing that could ever happen is and be prepared for it. i'm a financial nightmare too. i'm constantly planning, organizing and over analyzing everything in my head.
erik and i haven't been the most successful people here. i mean, we make do. ends are meeting and what not. but we don't usually have a whole lot of overflow and this is making me have a panic attack.
we're driving cross country and we figure while we're over here and don't know when we'll make it back to this side of the country... we might as well visit our western friends and family. so the plan is to head west before heading back east... all the way west.
i have family in arizona, plus that's where erik was born, so the first stop is willcox, az then to scottsdale.
from there our plan is to visit some people in california and head back east.
here's the panic attack. i'm terrified we're going to run out of gas and out of money half way across the country with all of our belongings (panic attack number two is that we don't have enough room for everything) and we have to temporarily live out of the car/truck stop while i get a part time job as a waitress so we can get enough money to make it home. once we're home i'm not so worried about it because we have enough connections to make it, but it's all the before then that i'm freaking out about.
i dream about it. i picture my little itty bitty corolla jam packed with dishes and clothing galore. our cramped bodies unable to move and the irritability that arises due to being in that close proximity to another person for an unknown amount of time.
i've slept in that corolla people. it's not fun. it makes for a very unhappy sunrise at the grand canyon let me tell you.
so i have a mini heart attack every time we spend any money. we could probably be eating cardboard and drinking water for this last 26 days and i'd still be freaking out. i need a mental health day to comfort all of my stresses but then i would just stress the whole time because that would be money i wasn't making and that much longer i'd have to hang out with dolly and joe at bubba's dinner.
god save me from my own insanity... please.
work now, 180 hours left to work for the evil blue map and counting..
i woke up this morning with the count down in my head. the final count down if you may... as of today it marks the last month of our stay here in texas. the last 26 days. i could not be more excited. every time i think about going home and getting my life back in order i could not be more pleased. i feel like i've lost myself here. i mean, it's been great getting to know a new side of me and understanding a different life and figuring all those things out, but i'm ready to get back to where i know where i stand, i understand where people are coming from and i can focus solely on making things happen rather than spending every day waiting for the end of limbo.
26 days. and yet here's where my head is:
i'm a worst case scenario planner. i like to know exactly what the worst thing that could ever happen is and be prepared for it. i'm a financial nightmare too. i'm constantly planning, organizing and over analyzing everything in my head.
erik and i haven't been the most successful people here. i mean, we make do. ends are meeting and what not. but we don't usually have a whole lot of overflow and this is making me have a panic attack.
we're driving cross country and we figure while we're over here and don't know when we'll make it back to this side of the country... we might as well visit our western friends and family. so the plan is to head west before heading back east... all the way west.
i have family in arizona, plus that's where erik was born, so the first stop is willcox, az then to scottsdale.
from there our plan is to visit some people in california and head back east.
here's the panic attack. i'm terrified we're going to run out of gas and out of money half way across the country with all of our belongings (panic attack number two is that we don't have enough room for everything) and we have to temporarily live out of the car/truck stop while i get a part time job as a waitress so we can get enough money to make it home. once we're home i'm not so worried about it because we have enough connections to make it, but it's all the before then that i'm freaking out about.
i dream about it. i picture my little itty bitty corolla jam packed with dishes and clothing galore. our cramped bodies unable to move and the irritability that arises due to being in that close proximity to another person for an unknown amount of time.
i've slept in that corolla people. it's not fun. it makes for a very unhappy sunrise at the grand canyon let me tell you.
so i have a mini heart attack every time we spend any money. we could probably be eating cardboard and drinking water for this last 26 days and i'd still be freaking out. i need a mental health day to comfort all of my stresses but then i would just stress the whole time because that would be money i wasn't making and that much longer i'd have to hang out with dolly and joe at bubba's dinner.
god save me from my own insanity... please.
work now, 180 hours left to work for the evil blue map and counting..
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
figuring it out
i feel like i should really have my mother tell this story, as it is hers-- but knowing her and the household that she lives in i feel the need to share it myself.
my mother is crazy. she's definitely my best friend and a huge source of compassion and love. honestly, i don't know what i could have ever done without her. i definitely would not have grown up to be the hippy, sarcastic (whaaa me??) fun loving, roll with what life gives you (when i can... which isn't often because i've usually already planned it...) person that i am. who else would pack up a perfectly good life an move across country to see if you can help out a friend?
that being said, my mother is insane. and recently, she had a spout of the unknown. she was miserable and didn't know her way out. she worked at a job where she hated the people she worked with, she and her boss weren't seeing eye to eye and she was coming home every night miserable and looking for some sort of outlet.
when she found it, the people around her who were used to the normal, fun loving, caring, easy going woman were surprised to find a different sort of crazy. it wasn't fun anymore.
thankfully she lost her job and when she did, she was able to refind herself.
she took her time. she sorted through the things that she really enjoyed in her life and the person she wanted to be. she was completely unemployed for a long time. during this time, she got to catch up with friends, learn new skills, learn reiki, and discover who she really wanted to be. she now has the absolute perfect job. she works with people she likes, that understand her, that don't judge her, that accept her as she is.
that's my mom's story... at least the part told by me.
what i don't understand is.. why should we have to wait to find this? i mean, my mom's not old or anything but it's taken her up until this point to find herself. when am i going to find myself? do i have to wait for something awful to happen? or work years at a job i hate? what is it going to take for me to find me? what i love and what i want to do? and where would i start looking for this? i've been pretty blessed to have "good" jobs my whole life. whether or not i like them. the pay is still ok and they still have benefits... i'm not getting left behind or struggling... but i'm also not doing what i want to do and i've never had the opportunity to figure out what that is. my whole life has been planned to this point.
high school, college, degree. now what?
update: this is what my fabulous aunt carol anne had to say...
Hmmm. That's a tough one. I can say this, though. If you get the mental/emotional/self-esteem/people pleasing/insecure/do I deserve it?/can I do it?/my parents are fucked up (speaking of my OWN personal experience) and fucked me up crap - you are 99.9% on your way there. Clear out the crap. And then tell the world to look out. Because, girl, there is NOTHING you can't do. I'm not just saying that - I mean it. Believe it. You are every bit as smart, funny, clever, charming, endearing, resourceful, intuitive, problem-solving as you (secretly) know yourself to be. Don't hide it. Go for anything and everything you want! I wish I hadn't taken so long to find that out for myself. But I had a lot of baggage. Drop any baggage and take flight!
my mother is crazy. she's definitely my best friend and a huge source of compassion and love. honestly, i don't know what i could have ever done without her. i definitely would not have grown up to be the hippy, sarcastic (whaaa me??) fun loving, roll with what life gives you (when i can... which isn't often because i've usually already planned it...) person that i am. who else would pack up a perfectly good life an move across country to see if you can help out a friend?
that being said, my mother is insane. and recently, she had a spout of the unknown. she was miserable and didn't know her way out. she worked at a job where she hated the people she worked with, she and her boss weren't seeing eye to eye and she was coming home every night miserable and looking for some sort of outlet.
when she found it, the people around her who were used to the normal, fun loving, caring, easy going woman were surprised to find a different sort of crazy. it wasn't fun anymore.
thankfully she lost her job and when she did, she was able to refind herself.
she took her time. she sorted through the things that she really enjoyed in her life and the person she wanted to be. she was completely unemployed for a long time. during this time, she got to catch up with friends, learn new skills, learn reiki, and discover who she really wanted to be. she now has the absolute perfect job. she works with people she likes, that understand her, that don't judge her, that accept her as she is.
that's my mom's story... at least the part told by me.
what i don't understand is.. why should we have to wait to find this? i mean, my mom's not old or anything but it's taken her up until this point to find herself. when am i going to find myself? do i have to wait for something awful to happen? or work years at a job i hate? what is it going to take for me to find me? what i love and what i want to do? and where would i start looking for this? i've been pretty blessed to have "good" jobs my whole life. whether or not i like them. the pay is still ok and they still have benefits... i'm not getting left behind or struggling... but i'm also not doing what i want to do and i've never had the opportunity to figure out what that is. my whole life has been planned to this point.
high school, college, degree. now what?
update: this is what my fabulous aunt carol anne had to say...
Hmmm. That's a tough one. I can say this, though. If you get the mental/emotional/self-esteem/people pleasing/insecure/do I deserve it?/can I do it?/my parents are fucked up (speaking of my OWN personal experience) and fucked me up crap - you are 99.9% on your way there. Clear out the crap. And then tell the world to look out. Because, girl, there is NOTHING you can't do. I'm not just saying that - I mean it. Believe it. You are every bit as smart, funny, clever, charming, endearing, resourceful, intuitive, problem-solving as you (secretly) know yourself to be. Don't hide it. Go for anything and everything you want! I wish I hadn't taken so long to find that out for myself. But I had a lot of baggage. Drop any baggage and take flight!
Monday, January 25, 2010
the get the hell out of tx list
this week marks the last time i will ever have to pay rent in texas... at least lubbock tx.
and as this makes it the last month that we are going to be here, i, being the annoying planner that i am, am sorting through a list of things that i still need to do while here.
if you blog it, it must be so.
SO... here i list the things i still need to accomplish before the big texas peace out:
#1 send out amanda's birthday present
#2 let candace know so i can figure out what to do with the bed
#3 pack clothes/stuff can't fit in my tiny corolla and send to madre
#4 hardcore celebrate steve's birthday
#5 have a tx bachelorette party with the girlies
#6 clean out that nook under the stairs
#7 send out thank god you don't live in tx presents/packages to friends
#8 write resignation letter
#9 let landlord know we will no longer be living in this fine establishment
#10 set tx on fire... oh wait, i didn't mean to say that... (out loud)
#11 eat Chocolate Stampede at long horn.... make side road trip to find amanda and put her in punisher headlock if deems cannot-live-without-good.
ok so i can't think of anything else at the moment... let me know if i'm forgetting anything
and as this makes it the last month that we are going to be here, i, being the annoying planner that i am, am sorting through a list of things that i still need to do while here.
if you blog it, it must be so.
SO... here i list the things i still need to accomplish before the big texas peace out:
#1 send out amanda's birthday present
#2 let candace know so i can figure out what to do with the bed
#3 pack clothes/stuff can't fit in my tiny corolla and send to madre
#4 hardcore celebrate steve's birthday
#5 have a tx bachelorette party with the girlies
#6 clean out that nook under the stairs
#7 send out thank god you don't live in tx presents/packages to friends
#8 write resignation letter
#9 let landlord know we will no longer be living in this fine establishment
#10 set tx on fire... oh wait, i didn't mean to say that... (out loud)
#11 eat Chocolate Stampede at long horn.... make side road trip to find amanda and put her in punisher headlock if deems cannot-live-without-good.
ok so i can't think of anything else at the moment... let me know if i'm forgetting anything
Sunday, January 24, 2010
the still yet to recover from the illness of unknown magnitude blogger takes on redbox... and loses
once upon a time...
oh crap wrong story.
uhh.. yea so i don't know if i've previously mentioned this or not but, as living in tx has always been a temporary fix, erik and i never felt the need to really settle in here. we have the absolute limited of furniture (most of what we have is rented-- except for our tv.... ); we don't go out much as to not invest our time or money in the real world. this is like playing house. we can pack up and leave at any time. and we will in five weeks... not that i'm counting.
anyhow, the point of all this is that we never got cable. seriously, who needs it? (or so i thought) instead, we have netflix. and when that takes too much time, we have redbox.
i don't know if anyone else has seen the wonder that is redbox, but it's magical. for just one dollar i can pick from a limited amount of movies and get them at my relatively speedy convenience. and it's just a dollar! this has been my life for the past 5 months. i think erik and i have spent more money at redbox than any where else. except the grocery store. (how can you spend so much money at the grocery store every day and still have no food?!?!..... venting, sorry...)
side note: i'm a small town girl. not journey, people. this is real. i'm from the middle of no where new hampshire, born and raised. when home, i have to drive at least 30 minutes to get to the nearest walmart (and they just put that one in, much to my mother's chagrin.) the nearest grocery store is at least 20 minutes (which probably accounts for part of my hatred of grocery stores...) and i can't even think of the nearest pharmacy or walgreens/cvs/brooks type place is...
our road used to be dirt. in the town itself there is a "general store", a town hall, and a library. we have two cops and i know for a fact that they go off duty at 2 am.
--un-noted side back--
so, when erik and i aren't feeling well and just want to lay around and be lazy-- we need to stock up on movies and what better way to do that than to go to your nearest redbox and get every movie you ever thought you never wanted to see.
well, the problem today was that (being as it has been 5 months) erik and i have seen everything at our local redbox. i, being the brave and daring woman i am, decided to venture out to a redbox that had said movies yet to be watched. problem being, said redbox= across town. which wouldn't be a bad thing if i was in nh where there is only one or two places to go... no i'm in lubbock tx which on it's on has 17000 walmarts, 80 walgreens and 43 million other places of choice. i go online, order said movies so you suckers can't get them before i get there (muahahahaha), and truck off to find the walgreens of choice.
i went to three different walgreens today. i got lost twice. ventured to areas unknown, only to find that i ordered movies from two different places. and when i set off to find place numbre deux -- redbox laughed at my mistake and said, hey you idiot, did you use the wrong freaking card or are you just dumb and have no online pick ups? or worst yet, did you drive all the way out here only to find that this is not where you belong and you just waited behind that creepy guy who probably got blood creek and is looking for his next fix for nothing? yea you did. go suck it up and get back in your car. sob pathetically. and find the next walgreens.
stupid redbox. these movies better be worth it.
oh crap wrong story.
uhh.. yea so i don't know if i've previously mentioned this or not but, as living in tx has always been a temporary fix, erik and i never felt the need to really settle in here. we have the absolute limited of furniture (most of what we have is rented-- except for our tv.... ); we don't go out much as to not invest our time or money in the real world. this is like playing house. we can pack up and leave at any time. and we will in five weeks... not that i'm counting.
anyhow, the point of all this is that we never got cable. seriously, who needs it? (or so i thought) instead, we have netflix. and when that takes too much time, we have redbox.
i don't know if anyone else has seen the wonder that is redbox, but it's magical. for just one dollar i can pick from a limited amount of movies and get them at my relatively speedy convenience. and it's just a dollar! this has been my life for the past 5 months. i think erik and i have spent more money at redbox than any where else. except the grocery store. (how can you spend so much money at the grocery store every day and still have no food?!?!..... venting, sorry...)
side note: i'm a small town girl. not journey, people. this is real. i'm from the middle of no where new hampshire, born and raised. when home, i have to drive at least 30 minutes to get to the nearest walmart (and they just put that one in, much to my mother's chagrin.) the nearest grocery store is at least 20 minutes (which probably accounts for part of my hatred of grocery stores...) and i can't even think of the nearest pharmacy or walgreens/cvs/brooks type place is...
our road used to be dirt. in the town itself there is a "general store", a town hall, and a library. we have two cops and i know for a fact that they go off duty at 2 am.
--un-noted side back--
so, when erik and i aren't feeling well and just want to lay around and be lazy-- we need to stock up on movies and what better way to do that than to go to your nearest redbox and get every movie you ever thought you never wanted to see.
well, the problem today was that (being as it has been 5 months) erik and i have seen everything at our local redbox. i, being the brave and daring woman i am, decided to venture out to a redbox that had said movies yet to be watched. problem being, said redbox= across town. which wouldn't be a bad thing if i was in nh where there is only one or two places to go... no i'm in lubbock tx which on it's on has 17000 walmarts, 80 walgreens and 43 million other places of choice. i go online, order said movies so you suckers can't get them before i get there (muahahahaha), and truck off to find the walgreens of choice.
i went to three different walgreens today. i got lost twice. ventured to areas unknown, only to find that i ordered movies from two different places. and when i set off to find place numbre deux -- redbox laughed at my mistake and said, hey you idiot, did you use the wrong freaking card or are you just dumb and have no online pick ups? or worst yet, did you drive all the way out here only to find that this is not where you belong and you just waited behind that creepy guy who probably got blood creek and is looking for his next fix for nothing? yea you did. go suck it up and get back in your car. sob pathetically. and find the next walgreens.
stupid redbox. these movies better be worth it.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
time for more dream analysis!!
ok, so i just woke up from this dream. first off, i was going out to dinner by myself. erik apparently didn't want to go... so i was going to this italian place... that turned into a grocery store. i hate grocery shopping. with a passion. so my way to avoid having to go there is to get everything i could need in one visit so i don't have to go again for a long, long time. (when i was living on my own, this worked wonders. i would go shopping once a month... just side note.) so, of course, while i'm there i'm shopping for some essentials... and while i'm doing this mild shopping, i run into this woman who remind me of my friend jenn from home (older, but still super fun; married, not necessarily happy all the time; caring; this woman wanting to look out for me).
so we're walking and talking.. she's picking up random things... apparently she wasn't too pleased with the fact that erik wasn't with me and told me i should grocery shop with her on a regular basis... which is when i told her i was moving (apparently we had moved back north at this point, cause i told her i was either moving back to tx or some place else) and money was tight because i wasn't working... she told me all the reasons i shouldn't move but i'd heard them all before and she told me her husband worked for a call center which i thought was strange because there aren't any call centers up north... she also told me she didn't work but her husband didn't know that...so when he came around to talk to her about the groceries... obviously not pleased to be there... i asked him about what call center he worked for and what he did....everything he said came out in a reallllyy thick accent so i had no idea what he actually said.. but then later when he's walking me outside to show me how we can see his golf course at his office from here i can hear/understand him fine....
and this is where it gets weird... i get that he's pretty high up in this call center... at first i thought he was taking calls (good looking guy with salt and pepper goatee) but then he told me about the office and his golf course which we go outside to see a bunch of golf balls and construction cones set up on the side of a mountainy hill blocked off by a fence...and he has two calves... one is a bit bigger than the other and they're knocking the set up golf balls down which i inform him and he yells, "hans! svenigan!" and then we jump the fence/ go through the door (i don't know.. it's a dream remember?) to go to his golf course. he tells me there that the smaller one sleeps in a heated room in the office to keep him small but the other one (hans, i believe) sleeps outside with him. he also calls this one duck for some reason. from there all i remember is trying to sleep outside and having this huge baby cow/yelling duck trying to snuggle with me.
which maybe because that was the end of my dream and erik was cuddling up... not that he's a cow or anything. dreams are weird.
ok people! analyze me! let me know why in the world i'm so messed up!
and if you try for one second to tell me to stop playing farmville, you are out of luck my friend.
so we're walking and talking.. she's picking up random things... apparently she wasn't too pleased with the fact that erik wasn't with me and told me i should grocery shop with her on a regular basis... which is when i told her i was moving (apparently we had moved back north at this point, cause i told her i was either moving back to tx
and this is where it gets weird... i get that he's pretty high up in this call center... at first i thought he was taking calls (good looking guy with salt and pepper goatee) but then he told me about the office and his golf course which we go outside to see a bunch of golf balls and construction cones set up on the side of a mountainy hill blocked off by a fence...and he has two calves... one is a bit bigger than the other and they're knocking the set up golf balls down which i inform him and he yells, "hans! svenigan!" and then we jump the fence/ go through the door (i don't know.. it's a dream remember?) to go to his golf course. he tells me there that the smaller one sleeps in a heated room in the office to keep him small but the other one (hans, i believe) sleeps outside with him. he also calls this one duck for some reason. from there all i remember is trying to sleep outside and having this huge baby cow/yelling duck trying to snuggle with me.
which maybe because that was the end of my dream and erik was cuddling up... not that he's a cow or anything. dreams are weird.
ok people! analyze me! let me know why in the world i'm so messed up!
and if you try for one second to tell me to stop playing farmville, you are out of luck my friend.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
the gloves are off, but i still have both my ears
i'm not feeling very insightful today. or energetic. or well much like anything.
i am, however, feeling like at some point last night i was in a boxing match. and i lost.
my alarm went off this morning like it should have yesterday, but didn't. waking me up an hour earlier than usual and taking full inventory of the pains i was having -- i can't wait to go to work today.
this is me: head in vice. jaw locked. back (obviously due to multiple kidney punches) broken. my mouth been through a texas sandstorm, with my head out the window and tongue hanging out. glands, swollen. and best of all, bloated. and trust me, no it is not that time of the month.
don't worry folks. yes, i have a degree in this. you don't have to be sad because your drawings aren't half as good as mine.
as i'm explaining all this to erik all he can say is: well, how many boxing matches have you been in?
me: plenty.
..................... i can wii box like a champ.
i am, however, feeling like at some point last night i was in a boxing match. and i lost.
my alarm went off this morning like it should have yesterday, but didn't. waking me up an hour earlier than usual and taking full inventory of the pains i was having -- i can't wait to go to work today.
this is me: head in vice. jaw locked. back (obviously due to multiple kidney punches) broken. my mouth been through a texas sandstorm, with my head out the window and tongue hanging out. glands, swollen. and best of all, bloated. and trust me, no it is not that time of the month.
don't worry folks. yes, i have a degree in this. you don't have to be sad because your drawings aren't half as good as mine.
as i'm explaining all this to erik all he can say is: well, how many boxing matches have you been in?
me: plenty.
..................... i can wii box like a champ.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
a love story
i have a love/hate relationship with my computer.
we've gotten quite close these last few years/months especially. erik and i have, as i'm sure i've previously mentioned, survived the last few months with limited items at hand. we do have a ginormous tv, but no cable. we have a ton of space, but no furniture. the pleasures of living life in transition.
this, however, has made my computer my sole source of entertainment. i want to listen to music- itunes, pandora. i want to work out- google something/youtube. i want to watch movies/blog/do sudoku/read/etc... you get it. we're tight.
the problem is... my computer... well, have you ever seen sin city? where only she can get her hunkadunk truck to run? it's kinda like that. my computer is like a scared kitten. do anything and you'll freak it out.
press the wrong button... it'll crash. press too many buttons at once? it has a heart attack, freezes then crashes. read ashley's blog (sorry, not picking, just mentioning... ) with more than one tab open, blue screen of death. just saying. i don't think ashley has some curse out to get me as she, too, is stuck in this state of wonderment called texas.... but then again, i don't know her that well.... hmmm...
i don't blame my computer for being born with vista. i blame myself. as a consumer, i should have run the appropriate tests... but i was young and in love with the color yellow. (actually truth be told i bought my computer in yellow because at the time i had no clothing that was yellow and therefore would be able to pick it out on my floor before i stepped on it...) i'm sure they've already found a cure for this ailment, (not my messy habits-goon, what do you take me for?) but i continue to just take my time.. type slowly.. only do important things one at a time as not to overwhelm... i like to think my computer is teaching me patience. that is, of course, until i find myself into a whole slew of money and then ADIOS!
we've gotten quite close these last few years/months especially. erik and i have, as i'm sure i've previously mentioned, survived the last few months with limited items at hand. we do have a ginormous tv, but no cable. we have a ton of space, but no furniture. the pleasures of living life in transition.
this, however, has made my computer my sole source of entertainment. i want to listen to music- itunes, pandora. i want to work out- google something/youtube. i want to watch movies/blog/do sudoku/read/etc... you get it. we're tight.
the problem is... my computer... well, have you ever seen sin city? where only she can get her hunkadunk truck to run? it's kinda like that. my computer is like a scared kitten. do anything and you'll freak it out.
press the wrong button... it'll crash. press too many buttons at once? it has a heart attack, freezes then crashes. read ashley's blog (sorry, not picking, just mentioning... ) with more than one tab open, blue screen of death. just saying. i don't think ashley has some curse out to get me as she, too, is stuck in this state of wonderment called texas.... but then again, i don't know her that well.... hmmm...
i don't blame my computer for being born with vista. i blame myself. as a consumer, i should have run the appropriate tests... but i was young and in love with the color yellow. (actually truth be told i bought my computer in yellow because at the time i had no clothing that was yellow and therefore would be able to pick it out on my floor before i stepped on it...) i'm sure they've already found a cure for this ailment, (not my messy habits-goon, what do you take me for?) but i continue to just take my time.. type slowly.. only do important things one at a time as not to overwhelm... i like to think my computer is teaching me patience. that is, of course, until i find myself into a whole slew of money and then ADIOS!
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
my brain needs an automatic starter
so i recently watched julie & julia. during which the main character states "i could write a blog. i have thoughts!"
that's not why i write a blog. i write because i have no thoughts. i forget things. quickly. every day leaving work and i thank god i have an automatic car starter because otherwise i would have NO IDEA WHERE I PARKED MY CAR. it's true. it's sad, but true.
one day, i lost my keys for 15 minutes thus making me late for my very important job of answering your phone questions. i found them in my purse.
i forget my phone. even if i leave it in front of my face. i could have it in my hand and ask where it was. can you imagine if i had glasses?
part two of my relationship to julie:
i have no power.
at my job, you call me. i'm not allowed to hang up. you can say whatever you want to me, you can scream, insult my mother, you can make suggestive comments (which has happened thank you very much mr. ka$hmoney-- no i will not be emailing you), basically you can do whatever you want and in the end, i'm still responsible for asking you if you are satisfied and your issue resolved?
i sit at my cubicle and scream over my opponents an coworkers--trying to get the best scores and the best feedback. the truth of the matter is, i probably can't help you. you don't know how to work an iphone? why the hell did you get it? you went over your minutes by talking to your new bf in greece? not my problem and i am DEFINITELY not happy that you called in today to complain about your service. again, it's part of my job description to lie to you. this empathy, fake.
so please remember when you call, just tell me what you need and i'll pretend to make it happen. if i tell you i'm happy, that's because my brain was shut off and i can't find my keys.
that's not why i write a blog. i write because i have no thoughts. i forget things. quickly. every day leaving work and i thank god i have an automatic car starter because otherwise i would have NO IDEA WHERE I PARKED MY CAR. it's true. it's sad, but true.
one day, i lost my keys for 15 minutes thus making me late for my very important job of answering your phone questions. i found them in my purse.
i forget my phone. even if i leave it in front of my face. i could have it in my hand and ask where it was. can you imagine if i had glasses?
part two of my relationship to julie:
i have no power.
at my job, you call me. i'm not allowed to hang up. you can say whatever you want to me, you can scream, insult my mother, you can make suggestive comments (which has happened thank you very much mr. ka$hmoney-- no i will not be emailing you), basically you can do whatever you want and in the end, i'm still responsible for asking you if you are satisfied and your issue resolved?
i sit at my cubicle and scream over my opponents an coworkers--trying to get the best scores and the best feedback. the truth of the matter is, i probably can't help you. you don't know how to work an iphone? why the hell did you get it? you went over your minutes by talking to your new bf in greece? not my problem and i am DEFINITELY not happy that you called in today to complain about your service. again, it's part of my job description to lie to you. this empathy, fake.
so please remember when you call, just tell me what you need and i'll pretend to make it happen. if i tell you i'm happy, that's because my brain was shut off and i can't find my keys.
Monday, January 18, 2010
typical
typical conversation between me and erik:
him: that's gonna make you burp
me: nuh uh
him: you'll be burping kielbasa for days
me: ...
five minutes later
me: buuuuurp
..... ok fine you were right.
i hate when he's right.
him: that's gonna make you burp
me: nuh uh
him: you'll be burping kielbasa for days
me: ...
five minutes later
me: buuuuurp
..... ok fine you were right.
i hate when he's right.
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