leaving time

this is really weird.
as much as i've been looking forward to leaving lubbock, it just hit me... i'm leaving lubbock and i probably won't be coming back. ever. that means everyone that i've met here (aside from a select few), this is the last time i'll ever see them. all the acquaintances and people i've enjoyed conversations with-- that was it. my last chance to say what i wanted to say before i, literally, had to hurry up and get out so the door didn't hit me in the ass on the way out. stupid revolving doors.
when i was leaving new hampshire, it was a well known fact that it was only going to be a matter of time before i was back. whether it be for a visit or for good, my family is there... my lifetime friends are there. there's no way i could stay away.
leaving lubbock is such a different feeling. this is the last time i'm going to have someone awkwardly carry out my groceries for me. this is the last time i'm going to talk to people about their stupid phones (hopefully). it's truly like a chapter is closing and i feel like although some things will always irk me about my time here... i feel like i really had time to grow and figure out what i wanted, what i didn't want, what makes me happy and just today, i grew balls.

the story: although i'm pretty outspoken, i do not enjoy confrontation by any means. i like to procrastinate things i think are going to be hard to deal with. yesterday, there was supposed to be a celebration for our team because we got number one or whatever. not that i want to spend awkward time with my coworkers as previously mentioned but it was AN HOUR off the phones and it was something i was supposed to be part of. except my manager changed my schedule. so everyone else got to go but me. (she devil, anyone?) normally, i would have loathed more, kept it to myself.... not today. today i had a lovely discussion with her boss. and although i'm leaving and i'm sure he's not really going to do anything because he seems to deal with conflict as well as i used to but it feels good to have it off my chest. (ok, so my balls are tiny) and it feels even better to know that this new me is following me every where and i will never be miss stepped on again.

so although i do complain (A LOT), good has come out of lubbock. i'm a stronger better person, who has a better understanding of what i want/need to do with my life. i now know what i do not want to do with my life which is stepping me closer to what i do want which is still undecided. i met some great people who i'll carry with me. erik and i have definitely had a time and a half to bond (not to mention this trip ahead of us which will be bondtastic!) experiences, right? who'd a thunk it...

needing to let go, any suggestions?

i've been a stress case for the last day or so. scratch that. i've been a stress case for the last 6 months.
ever since erik and i have been in texas we've been waiting for our next move.
i, miss independent, am not used to sharing. i'm not used to having another person depend on me for anything and i'm used to pretty much doing everything my own way and not thinking about anyone else.
since i brought erik here and it's my fault we're stuck here, i've felt extremely guilty. i feel guilty every time i go out without him because i know he's stuck here, bored. i feel guilty any time i spend money that's not "us" or future related because all i can think about is how we should be saving for the wedding or saving to leave or spending it on food.
i had a straight up panic attack the other day because we bought funny hats and glasses that we didn't necessarily need although the hats have come in handy because we spent $50 and that could have been money we were saving.
the whole time we've been here i've been a bundle of nerves. i can't relax. i can't think straight most of the time. erik puts a lot of things in perspective for me. this is an experience. we need experiences. we need to let go of things. i can't be so worried all the time because then i'll never have fun. it's just money.
i'm hoping that once we leave here, i leave this side of me behind. i freak out all the time about things i have absolutely no control over. i worry about the future and what MIGHT happen. i'm not allowing myself to have fun.

this so much so that i think it's become the cause of my recent health issues.
it started off that i needed to get a pap smear so i could get my birth control. in that, i found out that i had not only bacterial vaginois but also i needed to be treated for a yeast infection. fine, whatever. that's done. actual pap comes back, ABNORMAL.
FREAK.
i don't have time/insurance to cover a dr appt here. i'm leaving the end of this week. what if it's cancer? can i wait a month?
relax. i feel like everything happens for a reason. if it is cancer, i'm going to kick it's ass. if it's not and it's something else, watch out because i'm still an ass kicker.
i've been in a rut here. for a while. i feel like even if this is nothing (which i won't know because i can't get a dr appt until april 9th) it's a wake up call.
i need to live my life. i can't stress about everything. i can't control everything. i need to have fun. i need laughter and silliness and to spend money sometimes even if it probably isn't the best of ideas.
(i've been kind of resentful of erik because i feel like he doesn't have the pressure that i have one me about money. he's more relaxed. he buys things he wants and does what he wants and i'm stuck freaking out about every cent we have. he has video games and ps3s and i bought a t shirt once. it's my own fault. he's told me from the beginning that if i wanted to buy something i could. it's more my money than his. but i always feel so gd guilty.--- again i had a panic attack because we bought HATS)
i need to relax.
i need to work some place that's fun and not necessarily for the money. i need to do things i want to do. i need to have more fun with life rather than stressing about each detail and what COULD happen. i feel like i'm giving myself health issues. (i didn't even mention the stress mark i have on my finger.. the last time i got it was 2007 when both my grandmothers died, my apt flooded, my cat died, my dad had a triple bypass and my friend almost died giving birth--- i'm having the same reactions as i did then. i think i'm probably worse off now. what is wrong with me???)
so this is me letting go. if anyone catches me stress casing again, stop me. i don't know how. i don't know what you'll have to do but seriously, this is my only life and i'm ruining it worrying about things that don't matter that much in the long run. and i could be making that run a little bit shorter because of it.

why i don't bet

so erik and i made a bet tonight.
i'm terrible at betting. i never do it. but this, i decided, was worthy of betting.
erik and i were watching i hate valentine's day (which actually wasn't as bad as i thought it would be but still... ) and we had the conversation:
erik: did you know that guys a country singer?
me: nah uh. there's no way he's a country singer. he was on sex and the city.
e: no, he's a country singer. i can't believe you didn't know this.
m: no. no way. you're so wrong. you're mistaking him for someone else.
e: you wanna bet on it?
m: what are we betting here?
e: i bet you............ for two weeks you can't argue with me.
(this is funny because i argue with erik over everything and yet i'm always wrong. like 98% of the time but seriously? i have this one in the bag. still argument persists. this is usually declared as me lawyering something... but that's only the way i back out of something i could/could not have said previously...)
m: NUH UH. one day.
e: three weeks.
m: 3 days tops.
e: one week.
m: 2 days.
e: whaaa? you can't go backwards like that. that's not a good compromise.
m: yes i can.
e: fine four weeks.
m: uh... 4 days.
e: one week.
m: ugh. ok. (knowing he's not going to win this anyhow.
e: what do you want?
m: champagne and sex.
e: done.
** hand shake**
i googled it.
WTF. who knew he was a country singer? seriously. he's no darius rucker. just stick to what you're good at...... AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGH.

e:i think i even saw his video once which is crazy cause you know how much i watch that...
m: do i still get champagne?

ugh. this is going to be the longest week ever. thank god we're not stuck in the car for another 4-5 days. this is gonna be rough.


UPDATE: half me being bitter and hoping erik had enough pinot noir to forget/ half me trying to keep up with my side of this stinking bet.
**later***
m: this week is going to be rough.
e: you mean two weeks.
m: no, one week.
e: no, we agreed on two weeks.
m: ?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?
m: ugh.. FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE.


this is so not fair.

mystery tapes are fun... as long as they aren't in french

i'm nervous. i just told erik...
his response: why are you nervous honey?
(put this sentence in fast forward)becauseihavenoideawhattoexpectandthisisexactlywhatitryandavoidbyplanningeverythingmyself
the only thing i know about tonight is that it's from 8-10 and i have to wear a white bra and tank top.... oh god this is gonna be good.. she said as she ran out the door...


well truth be told, it was good. it was more than good. it was fantastic. all the nightmares i've ever had about a rerun of my cousin's bachelorette party (aka sitting next to my godmother getting at lap dance while thinking there's no way in hell this bar has enough alcohol to remove this image from my head) vanished.
the tank top/bra was actually a warning for a thin tee shirt i would be wearing for the rest of the night (thank you kaylee.)
although, these comments were previously noted.. i was not aware of the little mermaid penis crown on my head until we were driving down the road after previously going into TWO family places in search of a scavenger hunt of 3 bobbie pins, 5 tooth picks, ketchup packets, a book of matches, men's underwear, a pacifier, purple ribbon, a super tampon, and RIBBED condoms. i sat in erin's car -- shocked that i had not only entered and spoken with numerous people but also I HAD PENISES ON MY HEAD. so in true emily form, i made up a song about it to calm my nerves.
i had to leave joann fabric because the girl couldn't get it through her head that not only was this a scavenger hunt and i'm on a time crunch and YES I NEED PURPLE, DO YOU NEED ME TO REPEAT THAT PURPLE RIBBON. NO I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR YOU TO GET A DIFFERENT ONE AND NO I AM NOT PAYING FOR A SAMPLE, JUST FREAKING GIVE IT TO ME AND STAT WOMAN WHAT THE ...
i didn't realize she's was probably just shocked by seeing so many tiny penises in one place.
so as we walked into our third family facility (with penis crowd firmly secured on my head), kenda and i thought it best to split up as we had 2 of the items. my job, bathrooms to find tampons or condoms. her job, everything else while continuing the search for the same items.
as i'm walking through the restaurant/fun center/place i once frequented so please don't let me run into anyone i know scowering at babies hoping for a dropped pacifier or one i could causally steal, i lost kenda. that's right, i'm all alone asking random guys for ribbed condoms with penises on my head.
after my round about of desperately looking for my sole companion in this debacle, i exited the building only to enter the next entrance (very sneakily) to hear kenda yelling at this group of three guys SAFE SEX, come on! apparently this is not the place to get ribbed condoms.
it is, however, the place to get a giant balloon pacifier made. i'm no good with balloons. i break them but this one was special so i kept it safe as we sped through the town, not a moment too late entering the lingerie shop where the party was held with just enough creativity to win our very own humdingers.
after round one, it was time for a quick round of catch the sticky penis before heading out for the alcohol. (i made the mistake of asking why on earth a penis that large would be that sticky...just as kenda stuck it to the counter...................it all makes sense now... sorta... )
we said fair well to the non all nighters and headed out where i not only got my fill of lemons and apples, but i got my pussy wet, had sex on the beach and finished the evening up nicely with beef brisket. which is how i'm assuming all evenings like this should come to a close.
*** best present of the night****
kenda gifted me her box (and by box i mean, tape holder of awesomeness with wood paneling) of tapes from a variety of times and mixes for the ride back. seriously, coolest gift ever. i will be traveling cross country in style with the musings of madonna, paula abdul and alladin. toss in a few mystery tapes and we're set to hit the road...

crazy little thing called love

when i met erik... or should i say remet erik... i had absolutely no intention of falling in love with anyone. i was on mission me, i think. solely focused on my own desires and doing what ever i wanted. i had two little weeks left until i was to leave for lubbock which was supposed to be my bouncing ground. i was going to hang out here for a bit. help out a friend. and then from there, travel else where. austin maybe. arizona. where ever the world took me. (thank god for erik for so many reasons.. i might have unknowingly gotten stuck here. that would suck)
the funny thing is i didn't go about this relationship the way i would normally. i was so focused on me, being me, that i didn't for one moment put up a facade.
previously, i would have played it cool, calm, collected. sure i like you but i'm too cool to admit it. you come to me. (underneath this is, omg does he like me? what if he's seeing someone else? how could he possibly? ahhhh! nutzo.) this comes in tact with the perfect hair, make up, and baby soft body at any possible touch.
i think the first time erik touched my legs i hadn't shaved in days. i stopped wearing make up. i don't remember why. lazy probably. half the time i was in jeans and tee shirts cause that's all i could find.
i wasn't looking for anything so it completely took me by surprise when i realized he could love me and even more surprising was when i found out i really loved him too.
obviously it didn't take long. it's funny how that happens. when you aren't pretending, when you aren't putting up this fake person that people want you to be, when you're just being yourself and someone actually falls for you.
erik and i had one night at a bar, one day at the beach and one kiss under the trees. that was it for him. it took me five more days to realize he was serious. it took me five more days to realize i was serious.
we spent every day together. just talking. sharing our thoughts and feelings. thoughts for the future. no judgement. nothing holding us back. (and yes, eventually i shaved my legs for him..)
i honestly had no idea where this was going. he's an amazing person, but i had no idea what to expect once i left the state. and i had to leave the state. for some unknown, undying reason-- i just couldn't stay. and perhaps, i wanted to add it on as a test to us as well as myself that we could do it and i could do it and it was real.
i'm not sure when we officially decided that we were going to get married. four weeks later, he flew down proposed and then we spent six long weeks being engaged and very far apart.
i, some how, convinced him to move here. even though i told him it was ugly and the grass was weird and there's no ocean. i guess it was my last test. no guy had ever gone that far for me before. no one would ever give up their life for me.
it's been eight months.
eight months since the day i told him i wanted him to be my boyfriend. i wanted us to be together. and i wanted to know that it was going some where. that we were serious. some how i still didn't expect to end up here.
i feel like there are days where i completely forget myself and only think about how lucky i am to have this man who would move to lubbock for me. i get nervous and irrational thinking about how i somehow fooled him, but the funny thing is that he fell in love with me. the real me. with no make up, hairy legs and no censoring.
that's pretty cool.
and now we're days away from starting our life. our jumping points. our adventure. i can't wait.

unless you're dying, don't facebook me.

i feel like there should be some sort of common courtesy law with facebook. i mean, you add your friends and acquaintances but maybe, not the local grocer? why would you ever want to become facebook friends with them? you talk to them once, maybe twice. there's no way unless you have some undying love for groceries where you go there every day and have multiple conversations on the topic and even if you did the likelihood that they like their job as much as you enjoy it is slim to none. i mean, seriously... who loves groceries??
this is how i feel about my current situation. as mentioned time and time again, i work at a call center. i talk to 50 + people a day. by the laws of the call center i am a) required to be nice to you and b) required to say my name twice and your name as many times as i can without being overly obnoxious about it..(actually if i was overly obnoxious about it i'd probably get more wow bucks but you would get pissed so i don't..) and i do not enjoy talking about phones. nor would i ever become your friend so you could get in touch with me whenever you wanted so i can fix them for you. don't even try it.
BUT yet, here i wake up with a friend request from a customer who's iphone i activated the day before. i don't see how this is right. and the worst part is, this isn't the first time. prior to my phone duties, i worked at a bank and the same thing happened.
this is my job. (for the next 7 days!!!) we're not going to become bffs. i'll probably never talk to you again. unless you are in dying need for more friends, we really have nothing to talk about.
facebook is great, don't get me wrong. it keeps my family and friends in check. i know what's going on. i can find out about things that happen to people i barely know/never talk to. but there should be a line drawn as to who can be your friend. if you don't know this person any more than you know their name. maybe nix it? stick to people who in real life you could actually associate with?
now that being said, i feel completely different about bloggers. here we are sharing our lives, if you wanted to be my facebook/real life friend: i'm all for it!
but if i'm working customer service somewhere and you just happen to be a customer of mine and i'm nice to you... just remember, i'm paid to act that way.
think twice before the add.

pre-quarter life crisis part one + female stress syndrome.

reading this article about how woman aren't as happy as they used to be... i feel like it all comes down to choice. for example, i was raised by hippie parents who told me i could do anything. formality has told me that i need to be elegant, lady like, convince a man to love me - be the librarian and the stripper, as well as take care of him and dominate the rest of my life.
i'm supposed to have a meaningful job where i make a difference in the world. do something important. but i was never told what i needed to do. i'm fine with the things that i like to do, but they don't seem to be getting me any where. i have my degree. i apparently should be fighting for my field, getting my life situated and still enjoying it.
of course women are less satisfied than they were previously. we've been told we can do anything. we have options. but no one really states how when or where to start. i can do anything, but i have to go to the right schools, get the right jobs and know the right people in order to get there? how do i get that started? and with all these options, where do i start?
i knew i wanted to try living some place that i wasn't comfortable. i wanted to start fresh, see if i could make it. well now i'm here, now what? do i have to plan out everything in my life in order to get any where?


i have this problem where i don't live in the moment and therefore sometimes my life seems stressful when it's not really. i plan, i think, i analyze. i think through every possibility. this makes things less fun. but is my alternative not knowing or staying some where i don't want to be?
i've been given this opportunity to live fully. how am i supposed to be fulfilled? maybe (and this is no way anti-feminist) women have too much going on to be able to be happy and do everything. cause if you tell us that's what we can do, that's what we're gonna try. and then we become stress cases and have quarter life crises.

hibernation = coma.

thursdays should not be perfect lazy weekend days. it's just not fair having the perfect sunday on a thursday and not only being stuck at work but knowing that there's a whole day that i still have to go to work before i can be lazy...
thursday kaylee and i were discussing this in not so many words. we had had a long night.
wednesday was steve's birthday. we went bowling. and although i did not rip my pants or throw up during a test the next day, the late night was weighing on me.
and it was perfect. snowing, just the right amount that would be wonderful to just sit and watch the flakes fall. it was cold but not too cold. just perfect lazy day. and i was trapped on the phone listening to people complain.
kaylee came up with the perfect solution. although, we are not allowed to claim lazy days as sick days -- we are allowed short term disability. hibernation, the bears short term coma!
this brought me later to thinking dane cook's distaste for girls who exaggerate. what if it wasn't an exaggeration? what if she seriously took a hundred hour nap??
next time there's a good, lazy snow day... that's what i'm doing. i'm gonna call in work and let them know that i'm taking a coma. be back shortly...

my resignation letter

dear at&t,
i quit. muahahahahaha.
ok but really, as much as i enjoy working strange hours and dealing with people's incessant moaning and complaining about their service/phones/kids/husbands/data usage, i will be departing from this fine establishment of concrete.
no longer will i be bound by nagging managers, wow bucks and balloons. no longer will i be forced to attempt to respond to people while i'm on a call. no longer will i be forced to sell people things they do not really need.
thank you for allowing me hours of slacking off and doodling in training and allowing me to credit people who are just too annoying to get off the phone. thank you for good pay and good benefits, but that's just not enough for me. i'm sick of being just a number.
i'm moving on. february 25th will be my last day at this sea of wannabe cubicles. from that day on, i hope to never work at a call center again.
sincerely,
employee number 540066

dear lubbock,

i'll admit you have your good qualities: cheap rent, cheap beer, cheap food. and the birds are kinda cool. you keep everything you could ever need in one condensed knot which is kinda cool. and we've had our good times, though most of them i don't remember...
but, you're flat and dirty and you have more construction then you do main attractions. i have to be honest, we just don't see eye to eye. we never have. this is a dysfunctional relationship. i tried my best with you (well kinda) but it just isn't working.
it's not you, it's me. and i'm about to get my life back.
yours truly, or should i say mine?
<3
dear branchwater,
do you think there's a way we can get this cute two bedroom townhouse with free internet for $640 back in nh? i have no complaints here. just with your surroundings.
-apt 51

dear texas,
i know i give you a bad rep. it's probably just my own personal experiences here. i'm sorry to always be giving you a bad name, but seriously? we're not friends. we have nothing in common and i can't wait to never ever have to come here again.
i guess when i said i'll never live in texas -- i should've just stuck to my own words and not given you a chance, but here i am. i'll admit you have some interesting characteristics... but don't expect a postcard.
peace!

dear snow,
i moved here to get away from you. yes, you may be beautiful and fun when you first arrive but you're like that house guest who's only coming to visit for the night and 3 years later they're still leaving dishes in the sink.
i understand now that we are meant to be together, but maybe we can work on this relationship? how bout you only stay 3 months out of the year rather than 6? and next time i leave the north, you stay up there?
thanks.

dear parents,
thought you got rid of me, huh?
t - 17 days and counting... stock the fridge!
love.love.love.

sunshine and rainbows, minus the sunshine and actual rainbows

i'm feeling suuupppper positive today and i'm having a hard time keeping it to myself.
all i can think about is how thursday --i'm giving my two weeks notice. from that moment i promise myself that i will never work a job i hate. even if that means never attempting to work a full time job. this is killing me. i hate being fake. i hate being surrounded by negative people. i hate doing things because i was told to and not because they're actually helpful.
which is why i credit like a mofo. that's right, you call me... i'll find something to credit on your bill. unless you're an asshole... or ask for it. then you can suck it.
i think the other part of my glorious mood today was that my manager, satan's spawn, was not at work today. everything seems so much bettter when i don't have to see her crack addicted face.
and i got a lot accomplished. i called the credit card company, i went to the bank, i made erik lunch and coffee, i went grocery shopping, i talked to my mom and now i'm blogging.
and i ate ice cream.
it was fabulous.

but most of all--- it's now only 3 days until i give my two weeks notice and start our road trip home.
i'm so pumped.

yesterday i was kidnapped

ok, so not really "kidnapped" per se. can you be kidnapped as an adult?
anyhow, yesterday kaylee picked me up and brought me to an undisclosed location where i was informed... i'm having a bachelorette party before i leave and i couldn't be more excited.
as much as a control freak planner as i am (already mapped out our entire trip back, budgeted it and checked through pricings for hotels in each area that we're going as well as places to see and how much we can spend on food), i love surprises. so this is super exciting.
and i'm super pumped to find out who my 10 friends coming to this party are because i, honestly, had no idea i even knew that many people here. i keep thinking and listing and trying to figure it out but i guess i'll have to wait.
did you know that vibrating panties look like a cup? like one that guys wear in baseball? so strange. not so sure that would be comfortable but to each their own.

carlsbadass caverns- post weekend glory, preweekend style

so before this weekend gets started, i must discuss the escapades of last weekend.
i'm not sure if i mentioned this previously but the only thing that got me through the week before this week was the fact that i, bundled with my friends, was going to get out of texas for a brief moment and for once erik and i wouldn't be having our weekend debate of "well what do you want to do?" "i guess we could watch a movie" (for the 18th millionth time in a row!!)
the destination: carlsbad caverns, new mexico
the excursion: load five grown up sized adults into one vehicle lovingly referred to as a mobile device with makings for beds rations for meals and beer to heed our overworked tongues and then cover for hangover temperatures in the depths of the earth
the result? well, you'll see..
the players:
myself of course (no picture included. trust me. i'm saving you. drunk is not a good look on me. as i'm sure you know by now)

erik

kaylee
the miraculous duo of kenda and steve
and then there was 8 rounds of kings. yes it's perfectly understandable if you are completely jealous of kenda's socks.
and then there was beer.
lots of beer.
lots and lots of beer.
post beer in the morning of the midget house that was our cabin, there was caves.
this is our team of the crazed hangovers at the check point. that's right. STOP, access your hiking fitness. (so we did..) no smoking. we were cautioned that this was a "strenuous hike" and "exhaustion and weak knees were common."

they should have warned: many vulgar shapes ahead. do not mistake rocks for reproductive organs.
that scared kaylee. at least she had her troll to protect her.

badass water drip.
steve will be your tour guide. obviously, as
steve explained to kenda and kaylee the diagnostics of the rock forms
erik and i were finding the super finger of historic proportions.
this was "green lake". i don't know if this is a western thing where you don't have much water or know what this is like to have it all pooled together and stay there but in my parts, we call this a puddle. i guess being 800 feet underground they might have different rules.
and just in case any one had any doubts on how much a cube can carry... it's a lot. we packed it tight. blankets, bags, pillows and 3 humans all in this area.
that's right. we rule. you can be jealous.... now. :)
onward to boring weekend of uneventfulness to make up for lack of sleep during previous period. <3

Seriously? Wtf Texas?

This is what I'm talking about. Try to get into work. It's like they're daring me to not go in...
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

i'm not a stripper/ texas can sink to the abyss

so often erik and i discuss ways that texas could collapse and explode. normally it's like, maybe texas can just become it's own country like they want to so badly and then they'll get abducted by aliens... or sink in to the ocean.. and then we look around and we realize that texas already is filled with mutated alien water creatures that have learned to live in desert country which is why their all retaining water...
today my thoughts are that maybe the reason why it doesn't rain that much is because there's nothing to keep it here. maybe, since there's no drainage in this town, it will turn into an ocean and all the people will wash away back to their alien underground space crafts.. so much for being hopeful.
anyhow, i've become obsessed with this song. i relate living in texas to being the same extreme as having to become a stripper. i'm peacing out.

worst case scenario

i was going to blog about our awesome trip to carlsbad caverns this weekend but my mind is lost is other thoughts.

i woke up this morning with the count down in my head. the final count down if you may... as of today it marks the last month of our stay here in texas. the last 26 days. i could not be more excited. every time i think about going home and getting my life back in order i could not be more pleased. i feel like i've lost myself here. i mean, it's been great getting to know a new side of me and understanding a different life and figuring all those things out, but i'm ready to get back to where i know where i stand, i understand where people are coming from and i can focus solely on making things happen rather than spending every day waiting for the end of limbo.

26 days. and yet here's where my head is:
i'm a worst case scenario planner. i like to know exactly what the worst thing that could ever happen is and be prepared for it. i'm a financial nightmare too. i'm constantly planning, organizing and over analyzing everything in my head.
erik and i haven't been the most successful people here. i mean, we make do. ends are meeting and what not. but we don't usually have a whole lot of overflow and this is making me have a panic attack.
we're driving cross country and we figure while we're over here and don't know when we'll make it back to this side of the country... we might as well visit our western friends and family. so the plan is to head west before heading back east... all the way west.
i have family in arizona, plus that's where erik was born, so the first stop is willcox, az then to scottsdale.
from there our plan is to visit some people in california and head back east.
here's the panic attack. i'm terrified we're going to run out of gas and out of money half way across the country with all of our belongings (panic attack number two is that we don't have enough room for everything) and we have to temporarily live out of the car/truck stop while i get a part time job as a waitress so we can get enough money to make it home. once we're home i'm not so worried about it because we have enough connections to make it, but it's all the before then that i'm freaking out about.
i dream about it. i picture my little itty bitty corolla jam packed with dishes and clothing galore. our cramped bodies unable to move and the irritability that arises due to being in that close proximity to another person for an unknown amount of time.
i've slept in that corolla people. it's not fun. it makes for a very unhappy sunrise at the grand canyon let me tell you.
so i have a mini heart attack every time we spend any money. we could probably be eating cardboard and drinking water for this last 26 days and i'd still be freaking out. i need a mental health day to comfort all of my stresses but then i would just stress the whole time because that would be money i wasn't making and that much longer i'd have to hang out with dolly and joe at bubba's dinner.

god save me from my own insanity... please.


work now, 180 hours left to work for the evil blue map and counting..