god save the queen

ok, so now i'm completely crazy... and lost.
and out of the loop.
i've moved back in with my parents to save money for the wedding and the whole just moving back thing and i'm going a little insane. it's not the rentals themselves. they've done nothing but niceness. cook, clean, organize, allowance! who wouldn't love that at the ripe old age of 24?? but i'm trapped. i don't have a job yet, which i've only been here a week so i guess that isn't too bad. my car has this weird muffler sound that erik can't fix because he would need a lift. we don't have the money to fix it and therefore we can't get the stinkin thing inspected. (which if we were still living in az we wouldn't have to....)
but the worst of it is... there's no wireless internet here. and two gaming consoles. TWO. i'm odd man out every time. i'm trapped and lost and i can't get my internet whenever i want. therefore, i've been blog free for far too long. and i don't like it. i miss my world.
when i don't blog, i stress. i think about what i could be blogging if i could only type. i think about my stinkin' wedding planning that's going no where and yet it's only 6 months away. i think about... well, let's face it. i don't think much about getting a job.. who would? but i do think about what all you people are up to that i'm missing out on.
basically, i have everything a girl could ask for (family, friends and food:) but i miss my world.

the one where i snuck into my parents house and they forgot i had been gone for 8 months and i temporarily went insane..at least i hope it's temporary

i know, i know... it's been a while. truth be told... i've missed you too.
but the craziness is......... WE MADE IT.
we left arizona reluctantly and at least 4 days later than i expected. at first we were like well, we don't really have anything to be getting back to and then it was let's go for a hike and then we like debbie... and the excuses continued. the worst was when we were like, ok we're leaving sunday for realz. sunday... the only day it rained and seriously? who want to take their 42" plasma out in that?
now all signs are pointing to why the hell did you leave? you know az was made for you!
it started with our adventure out of az. we hit up sedona (beautiful), the grand canyon (seriously, beautiful) and then trucked through the mountains to get to the four corners which i had never been to... where all four states meet. that should have made us turn around. we got there, after driving all damn day--exhausted and having to pee like whoa-- so excited. and then the sign (i'll have to post pictures later because i'm on my parents computer.) CLOSED FOR CONSTRUCTION.
SERIOUSLY? WTF? how can you close a national monument for construction? what on earth do you have to do? move the damn states? ugh. so yes, nice picture of me flipping off the sign. :)
from there, we traveled until our eyes bled and spent the night in cortez, co. we left in the morning with high hopes and the excitement of a new state.
wrong. we spent the next 12 hours fighting for our lives. ok, maybe that was just me. i think erik chose this route on purpose because he knows i'm afraid of heights. we went up and down every mountain possible and just when you think you've reached your limit. seriously, nothing can get scarier than this (unless, of course a clown popped out of the endless cliffs inches away from the edge as our car skirted around these snowy corners-- clowns are terrifying. no joke.) we were stopped at the top of a mountain and forced to wait an hour and a half for them to do something with the road. DO SOMETHING WITH THE ROAD MEANS CLEAR A FREAKING AVALANCHE. NOT COOL.
we got to the end of this insane highway after hours of breath taking turns and me white nuckling the side of the car (beautiful view, i just prefere a postcard.) we landed in ouray, co. beautiful is not the right word to describe it. this place was perfect. tucked away in the middle of the mountains. hot springs. just everything you could ever imagine all snuggled in between a range of mountains. we went into this little shop and the woman was like oh, you just came down the million dollar highway? in a toyota corolla? did you have chains? no? are you crazy? you are so LUCKY. yea, that's right. i had every right to be fearing for my life as we went through those 10 mile an hour turns in a snow storm. but then i got chocolate and a sandwich so it was all ok.
next in our adventures of you really shouldn't have left az was when the same woman told us that the highway we were planning on taking through co had just had a rock slide and she thought it might have been closed.
they have to have a detour route right? well of course, but what they dont' tell you is what should have taken an hour detoured into 6 hours of middle of no where driving in another snow storm with my car so weighed down that it tops out at 40 mph. yep. mack trucks are beating us up these hills.
12 hours of this up and down later, we ended up in winter park, co. still on our detour, crazed out of our minds with altitude sickness. i'm ashamed to admit i kept stating, my head is lead. i have a lead head. why is my head so heavy? i guess that's what happens when 11,000 feet meets no water or food. we ate an entire pizza and felt the same as if we didn't eat anything. needless to say, we were happy to be leaving and be back on flat ground.
so happy in fact that i got a HUGE water and a red bull and decided i wanted to drive through the rest of the way... ok so it wasn't exactly straight through because erik did drive when i started to get crazy and seeing things but while he attempted to sleep after driving through kansas, i got us through missouri (porn, god and arcades!) illinois (big trucks and rain!) and indiana. we ate breakfast and kept going. 38 hours after leaving co, i was sneaking into my parents house.

and this is what happened after erik had given up half his suitcase for me but tried to throw out a towel...

during this move i've really had to come to terms with my need for things.
i have a lot. mainly clothing. actually erik would say it's all clothing. and shoes.
i feel like i store memories in clothes. that summer i wore that dress, those shoes i bought with bill, that night out with the girls.
but then there are other things where i feel like i hold on to them because i think they're unique. i think they have something interesting to say. like the towels from my grandparents house that they got in hawaii.
i know i shouldn't be putting so much emphasis on things. and trust me, doing all this and moving cross country with another person in a COROLLA is hard enough.
erik is so willing to just let everything go. poor guy. he has like a pair of pants and a backpack and he's all set... i'm sitting here unwilling to give up my 5 bags of clothes, two bags of shoes and everything else i've ever owned.
i don't know how i got to defining myself with things but it's happened and i don't want to give it up. i want more things but i won't get rid of the ones i have. i like the stories, the thoughts that go along with them... but won't i still have them even if the actual things are there? probably, but i guess i'm afraid i won't have any reason to remember those things, remember those moments, that dance, that day, that person.
but if i do give up that towel... can i get a new shirt? maybe new memories are where it's at :)


i'm so not giving up that towel...

a letter to my brother

back story: my brother has been ready to join the service since he was like four. since he knew what the service was he was ready to go in. my grandfather, pop, was a world war two vet and proud of it. he'd tell us stories about the war and about general patten growing up. he lived with us for four years before he died. jake is my only brother, seven years younger, and he just signed in for the marines even though he won't be 18 until august. (and he's not allowed to go in until after my wedding... a girl can't get married without a ring-bearer.) we grew up with crazy hippie parents and he has been my go to man for a handle on the insanity that is our family and the whole thought of not having him around makes me a little nutty.

dear jake,
i'm not exactly sure what happened last night. we were talking about pop and hospice and i guess in a sense death and yadda yadda... which you know is weird but fine, whatever.
then somehow later in the night we started talking about god and our beliefs and being spiritual. barbara is trying to convince erik and i that we should stay here and we can't leave until we're in tune to reiki which sounds like a creepy cult of sorts.
when we were talking about pop, i started to get semi emotional because i miss him and stuff and barbara was talking about how much we helped with him and how special we are and we're such good people for helping out with him... not that we really had a choice. he's family and amazing but whatever. i knew things we're gonna be bad at that point because i got this huge knot in my throat and i was trying really hard to keep it together and barbara kept hugging me.
now keep in mind i had had four beers by this point and barbara was wasted (although i'm kinda tearing up now just thinking about it butttttt.....) somehow we got on the topic of you going to the marines and i lost it. i lost it like i did when i had to tell you that pop died. i was crying so hard, i was heaving and sobbing and i had snot all over my face.
barbara kept saying how you're going to be fine and you're not going to die and blah blah blah.. you're gonna be a hero like pop. but that's not what worries me. i know you're going to be fine. and you're going to do great. i even except the fate of things that if you were to die it'd must be your time...
she kept asking me what it's like, what i'm feeling... i guess she didn't really think of it from my side... having my only brother leave...
i couldn't tell her because i couldn't put it into word but it's not what she thinks... it's more that i'm afraid of what you're going to see, what you're going to have to deal with, how you're going to change. that's what scares me the most. i'm afraid of what's going to happen after you get back.
i've heard the same stories as you have my whole life. you know what you're getting yourself into, probably better than most people and i completely respect you for it. i'm just terrified of what you're going to have to live through and how you'll deal with that when you get back. i don't want you to change. i don't want you to lose your spark or become a meathead. that's what makes me the most scared.
i just wanted you to know... i love you and i think you're awesome. but if you become anything but the person that i know you are... i'm rallying the sisters in a convention and i won't let them leave until your back to normal.
just a warning.
love, emily

arizona

time moves differently here. or perhaps it's now.
i wake up and it seems like the crack of dawn but i'm well rested. hours pass by and i either have no idea how much time has passed or i'm amazed by how long each day is.
each day seems to be more fulfilling than the last. there's so much to do and it's all new and fun and exciting. and the sun keeps everything in great spirits.
there has definitely been a weight lifted since leaving texas... that was palpable in the car.
i'm not sure if it's the fact that we're gone, that we're now on vacation or if it's just being here that's really set such a change.
driving, erik did most of it. i just sat, tried to entertain and looked out the window. i felt kinda bad but when i did drive, i realized that there's much more room driving then there is any where else in the car. poor corolla.
we stopped in flagstaff which was nice. i'm pretty sure we stayed in the hotel where bill and i slept in the parking lot only a year and half earlier. the beds were comfy.
in the morning, we learned about the tsunami to the west and snow storms to the east, as we were forced to say that we would buy playing cards for our new south dakota friends and send them out to them... (strange things happen before coffee sometimes..)
we drove out of the snow to the sun and the rain.
we've hiked and read and sat by the pool.
it's been the perfect break from real life and i feel like we've definitely needed it. :)

the reason why guys who play video games do not have girlfriends

i'm going to start this off by saying, i love erik more than anything in the world. i would give him part of my liver or one of my kidneys if possible. he is my life. which is kinda sad but he makes every day better. he's extremely kind, loving and caring and he makes me coffee.
part two is that i also do not mind video games. i understand completely the need to let off steam into a different world. (why else would i be here?) i get the fantasy part and how it feels to take on a different role and dominate.
and the second part of that would be that i admire erik's love of video games because i myself have never found a love as strong and passionate for a hobby. i love that he has seen the changes that have occurred over the decades of playing time and i admire his observations in the ways of each game. he's so thoughtful and insightful when it comes to playing. this really matters to him and i honestly am more than happy to have our 42" plasma and ps3. i find that watching him play is more entertaining at some points than anything that i could do...
that being said, i completely understand why those addicted or even with a mild obsession do not have "real life" girlfriends. girls require certain things in relationships in order for them to keep going. consistency for one. girls like to have and give attention and know that they matter more than anything. they like being able to rely on the man beside them for certain things. they do not like being taken advantage of...
now maybe this is part of being "in the game" the mind frame changes and you forget who you really are after a while, but a negative attitude or a crude remark to a girl does not just disappear after you put the controller down (or throw it down). i know you may be hanging with the boys and what not and i can respect your time but seriously? just because you have a 41 kill streak does not mean you have any more dominance in the real world.
i understand the need to complete something. the need to feel like you've accomplished something or moving up in levels. hell, i'm on farmville. i get this. i understand that these things take time an effort and learning and analyzing the game. but real life does not have to be put on hold, people. you can go out and experience things and the video game world will not collapse. you are not by any means "required" to play. it is not your obligation and you are not being paid to do it.
pay attention to me.
if i am put on hold for a video game or scolded because you are trapped in your world, this is not working for me.

note: this is not a (complete) reflection of my current situation. i have some built up aggression towards video games from past experiences.
note number two: will follow up this blog by posting why i love/hate chick flicks.