killing myself

last night i couldn't sleep. i couldn't sleep because all i could think about was how my next weekend where i don't have plans is in mid-november. i laid there thinking about how i was going to get everything done and what if anything i could get out of doing. and as i lay there more and more obligations/things i had to do to get everything else done popped into my head. the worst part is that this is all completely self inflicted. why do i do this to myself? i came to two conclusions: fear of missing out and fear of letting people down. i want to do everything. i really do. i can't. physically/mentally, i exhaust myself on a regular basis. obviously. i spend my nights awake staring at the moonlight thinking about all the things i have to do. i want to be there for everyone. seriously. i wish i had no friends and then at the same time i fear that i'm going to have no friends because i can't be there for everyone. will people forget me? think less of me? be mad at me? i don't know. if i just had more time... i'd fill it with other things to do. somebody stop me.

here's a look at my next few weeks/months:

• saturday- i'm hiking mount washington! i'm excited. it's been on my bucket list forever. FOREVER. and i've been working on it all summer, building up to the big hike. and it was either next weekend or wait another year...which would probably get pushed another year or another year or another year... so i'm biting the bullet and doing it. that being said, i was not planning on it. saturday was the only day i would be able to do it before mid-november and mid-november it would be far too cold for me. i don't have the gear. so saturday it is. which means, tuesday i need to figure out what trail we're going on, what time we're leaving, where we're meeting and wednesday i need to get food for the hike, prepare my bag and figure out what i need to bring/wear. it also means, i should probably do my long run on wednesday too because i won't be able to do it saturday or sunday. which in my sleepless brain, loops back around to wow - i haven't been to the gym in a while. i should go to zumba on monday. or i should cancel my gym membership. i should probably cancel my gym membership. i never go. but then when would i see charlie? ok, go to zumba monday, run 3 miles tuesday morning, meeting tuesday night, wednesday - long run, grocery store - wait when am i going to go out in service this month? that should probably come first. but i'm already out of time. moving on...(oh i think i have to make dinner on wednesday too... what on earth can i cook? i don't have any food... when am i going to go to the grocery store? where am i going to get the money for all this?) 
• oh hey it's my anniversary! four years of married bliss with my wonderful husband embarks on the 18th. which reminds me that means it's lori's anniversary this week - wait, tomorrow. yep. forgot that one again. i wonder who else's anniversaries i've forgotten. i used to be so good about these things. ok, my anniversary. that means i have to get erik a present. check. since our anniversary is on a thursday we won't actually be able to celebrate til the weekend. no, emily. you have no time to get your hair cut between now and then. no, you absolutely cannot make plans with anyone else that weekend. you'll be gone every other weekend from him anyhow. ok, well at least spending time with the hubs means possible down time. and maybe dinner out. chaching. (oh and as for running/working out - fitness cruise the 15th which means no zumba.. really need to cancel that membership (i think that guy hates me right now anyhow... i don't want to talk to him. maybe erik can cancel it for me.), run tuesday, wednesday, thursday - 9 miles saturday... maybe i can squeeze out 10. i wonder how tired i'll be from hiking mt. wash?) 
• two weeks down, tuesday the bosses leave for 25 days. that means there's going to be a ton to do both before they leave and after they leave so it looks like i got things done while they're gone. i hope they don't ask me to take care of their chickens again... they won't. you don't have time. that's the end of the month already. made plans with amanda. i only haven't seen her in a year... since her wedding. shoot i should probably get them an anniversary card. and a new house card. check. maybe i can just add a happy anniversary to their house card. that would be easier. oh remember you have to run a 5k saturday too. i'm either going to have to go out in service on wednesday afternoons or sundays. maybe if i go out sunday, erik will go with me. ha. probably not. i'll talk to lori. she said she wanted to go out more. oh and your 5k has to be the fastest ever. i wonder when i can fit in some speed work for running. maybe i can add that in at 6 am. no. i can't push my body to do anything more at 6am. i'm going to have a meltdown. ok. i'll just run it as fast as i can with no speedwork. they'll get over it. there's always next year... so 5k, then amanda's? or amanda's friday night, then 5k? probably 5k first. i need to call mom. 
• october. already. which means oktoberfest. which means money for food. company at the house. dressing up. run 10 miles. at least. maybe 11 if i can fit it. oh and maybe i can squeeze in service that day. maybe. i wonder when erik's going to stop working for the season? oh and at some point i was hoping to get up to castle in the clouds to see what the course is like... that may or may not happen. 
• columbus day weekend. kathy and dave's wedding. ugh i hope erik goes with me. if erik goes with me, i know it'll be an earlier night. which is fine. i'll probably need it. i wonder if i'll have that monday off. the bosses will still be gone. what am i wearing to that wedding? can i wear the same dress i wore to ashley's wedding? will anyone notice? probably not. plus i don't have any time to go shopping.  i hope they don't ask me to do anything for their wedding. like make something. i'm terrible about saying no. 
• pete and katie's wedding. the only thing i wish i could really get off of my calendar. where is this wedding again? the middle of no where. i'm probably going to have to drive myself. i think it's like 2 hours away. but i'll have to be home kinda early and amy and andy will probably stay until it ends. i have to go to the meeting the next day because it's the last one before the assembly. i still have to send out that card that says i'm going. am i going? i should probably go. i haven't seen them in forever and it'll be fun. it'll be nice to see everyone. i wonder where they found this place? oh i guess it's only a little over an hour away. that's not so bad, i guess. i hope my car passes inspection. i need to get my muffler fixed. i hope i can just get it patched. when am i supposed to save money again? oh maybe as i'm driving to their wedding i can check out the course for the race... the wedding's at 2.. which means i have to leave by noon thirty probably just in case. maybe amy can come over. no that would be a super pain for her. plus andy will probably have to leave early to get ready with the guys. i wish we could hang out before the wedding... i don't know how that would work. oh man how am i going to get my 11 miles in that day? oh i hope katie and pete are having their mail forwarded to their new address. 
• assembly. natick, ma. one week before my big race. i'll have to run on sunday. hopefully i'll be able to meet with the brothers to go over the questions in time. i haven't heard from anyone. i guess that's fine. i haven't really studied this week either. i should have stuck around longer on sunday. how is today only monday? 
• race day. technically it's sunday. which means i'm definitely going to miss the meeting. ha. i wonder if mom is still planning on doing the fun run. i hope she doesn't expect me to do it with her. i doubt i could run 14.6 miles. heck. i'm freaking myself out so hard with the fact that it's going to be super uphill anyhow. especially the end. who planned this course? how can you have the last mile of a half marathon completely uphill? that's just not nice. why did i sign up for this again? 

and that's that. i feel like there's probably 14 other little things. things that i haven't even thought of yet. i wonder how long my hair will get in another eight weeks? i wonder if i'll ever have time to cut it again. why does work have to be so time consuming? why do all things have to take place on my short time off? can i put my gym membership on hold? i'm hoping that putting this all in writing will take it out of my head and i'll just be able to work through everything. .... in my dream world. 

how to be polite

snippets that i enjoyed from this article: 

• When you are at a party and are thrust into conversation with someone, see how long you can hold off before talking about what they do for a living. And when that painful lull arrives, be the master of it. I have come to revel in that agonizing first pause, because I know that I can push a conversation through. Just ask the other person what they do, and right after they tell you, say: “Wow. That sounds hard.”
• I see people as having around them a two or three foot invisible buffer. If there is a stray hair on their jacket I ask them if I can pluck it from them. If they don’t want that, they’ll do it themselves. If their name is now Susan, it’s Susan. Whatever happens inside that buffer is entirely up to them. It has nothing to do with me.
• People silently struggle from all kinds of terrible things. They suffer from depression, ambition, substance abuse, and pretension. They suffer from family tragedy, Ivy-League educations, and self-loathing. They suffer from failing marriages, physical pain, and publishing. The good thing about politeness is that you can treat these people exactly the same. And then wait to see what happens. You don’t have to have an opinion. You don’t need to make a judgment. I know that doesn't sound like liberation, because we live and work in an opinion-based economy. But it is. Not having an opinion means not having an obligation. And not being obligated is one of the sweetest of life’s riches.
• This is not a world where you can simply express love for other people, where you can praise them. 

it's rather sad that this isn't all common knowledge. then again, the whole thing is rather sad. 

https://medium.com/message/how-to-be-polite-9bf1e69e888c

i liked everything

Warhol: Someone said that Brecht wanted everybody to think alike. I want everybody to think alike. But Brecht wanted to do it through Communism, in a way. Russia is doing it under government. It’s happening here all by itself without being under a strict government; so if it’s working without trying, why can’t it work without being Communist? Everybody looks alike and acts alike, and we’re getting more and more that way.
I think everybody should be a machine. I think everybody should like everybody.
Art News: Is that what Pop Art is all about?
Warhol: Yes. It’s liking things.
Art News: And liking things is like being a machine?
Warhol: Yes, because you do the same thing every time. You do it over and over again.

it seems true though. pop culture does turn everyone into a machine. a mindless machine who just likes what others like and never really thinks for themselves. it's strange really. do i like bananas? i wonder what it would be like to live in a world without advertising and subliminal messages. omg. has anyone else ever seen (i can't believe i'm going to say this) josie and the pussycats? the movie from 2001? (i had to look that up...) now i'm mildly (read totally) afraid that the things i like, i don't actually like. i've just been brainwashed into liking them. totally terrible. but possibly true.

http://www.wired.com/2014/08/i-liked-everything-i-saw-on-facebook-for-two-days-heres-what-it-did-to-me/?utm_source=nextdraft&utm_medium=email

just another day at the office

i can't tell if i'm super irritable/anxious due to pressing deadlines, my period (which i'm not even 100% sure is due yet... i should really start keeping track of that...), or jenna. impending doom.

this week has been rough. i see a revised draft of a letter and i start to freak out that this is the third or fourth time i've had to revise it. programs aren't working right for me. i got up this morning, happy but wishing i could stay in bed. blew a circuit because we had two coffee makers running. got dressed, looking pretty cute. then for the second time since wearing this top, i spilled my entire cup of coffee all over the place. seriously, i'm walking out to the car - i have my ipod (which needs to be charged), my purse, my toast/breakfast and my giant travel mug of coffee in my hands. i open the door, put my coffee mug on the roof of my car and it spills all over the roof, dripping down into my open car door, my ipod falls on the ground, my toast is wet. coffee on my shirt/skirt/cardigan/shoes. so i did what any rational person would do. i cried. no i didn't. i wanted to freak out and quit my job and never leave my room again. but that's not going to solve anything. so i picked up my ipod, put my toast in my car, shut the car door. i went inside, assessed the damages. not too bad. i can handle a day with limited coffee on me. poured myself a new cup of coffee and headed back out. today can suck it. i'm winning.

this of course is followed by my coming into the office to have a mini-anxiety/meltdown. normally i love having a lot to work on. i love having work waiting for me on my desk because that means i don't have to pretend to be busy or do any of those other things i really should be doing but am not. like filing. or billing. blah. but seeing this letter revised again and corrections that i should have caught staring me down. my anxiety starts bouncing off the roof. and the impending doom of knowing that at any moment jenna could walk in the door and scream my name in that high pitch happy voice that sends my nerves to freakouttown.

so i'm sitting. it's not even 9 am and i've already gotten two documents accomplished. no one else has arrived yet. thankfully. i wish they would all take the day off and leave me to my peace. instead of my countdown til school starts, this year it's my countdown until their fall vacation (25 days of bliss). and then hopefully til second semester when they realize that homeschooling is a bad/impossible idea. and i can leave my car with the peace of knowing that i can walk through the office and no one will ask me "hello emily. how ya doin' emily? can i help you with your work? can i do your hair? can you play with me?" with these words, my uterus shrivels up into a dust heap. perhaps my body blames jenna for my complete and utter non-desire for children and that's why the thought of coming to work sends me into a full on period symptom mess.

* did i mention i'm pretty sure someone used/opened my umbrella that i leave here which i'm not even sure where it was at my desk and has left it on the front floor? why, people? can't a girl get any privacy/alone time?

oh. is that the real route of my issues?

the end of another month

remember when you were young and time seemed to go on forever? can i have that back please? i obviously didn't appreciate it enough. and now time just keeps ... tickin'. miserable.
but that's just me.
things that happened this month:

• i hung out with mom to clean up the yard. which meant i got to hang out with brayden and emily jae. brayden and mom actually went swimming. emily and i just splashed the water. it was hot. but not that hot.
• the next day i went out to lunch with lori, john, ed and maggie. and then ed and maggie, mom and dad, dave and gail came over and hung out for a while. 
• oh i tried fish tacos. not bad. sword fish. definitely old. 
• my baby cousin, ryan, and friend, brandy, graduated high school. yep. old. 
• scary guy. 
• bears. 
• erik fixed his dad's truck, the lawn mower and two bikes and we went for a bike ride together. after washing the truck, my car (i washed it. and waxed it! it looks terrible now.), and the bikes. cause they were covered with poo. old chicken poo. 
• kathy and dick celebrated 46 years of marriage. in style. with fireworks. and 4 wheeler rides. 
• erik painted the trim. i scraped side one of the house and then painted all but 6 boards. it's still not done. need round two of paint. 
• concert. 
• jenna and i went to get the mail and she got to learn how to drive those little sail boats. it was pretty cool. i'm hoping this is the start of a good summer for us. it kinda has to be if she's going to be homeschooled next year. 
• other things happened i'm sure. i can't think of them though. 

plans for next month (aka this month):

• painting party
• finish painting the house
• bike rides
• hiking
• fitness cruise
• mom's bowenwork test
• ashley's bridal shower
• busy busy bee.

#hashtag

i have a confession...

i'm mildly obsessed with hashtagging. i try not to do it because when i do, it gets a little out of hand. oh and did i mention i mainly do it verbally? yep. completely obnoxious. that's me. thanks to jimmy fallon i even do the hand signal. ok, i mainly do it for the hand signal. how awesome is that?

anyhow, leslie invited me to go see american authors, the script and one republic. the show was epic. #epic. first of all we went down in a limo. we had delicious food. we had great seats. but it determined one thing for serious....... i'm old.

this is the email i sent my friend in follow up:

the concert was good. is it weird to not really like something while it's happening but like it more later? i had a lot of fun. maybe i didn't realize that i was even having fun and therefore that made it less fun? also, i got home at 1:30 and was up at 6:45ish... so if i speak gibberish (or gerbil) please ignore it. i like american authors, they opened. the script swore a lot and talked about being drunk. which was interesting. i really enjoy knowing where songs and things come from so it was nice to hear them explain things about their songs and where they're from. our seats were really close. like in the first 20 rows. and the script guy kept coming down and walking through the aisles. one republic was really good. they put on a really good show but it was really loud and really hot and they didn't go on until like 10 so at that point my old person body has already kicked in and i'm trying to force fun on myself. when they said that they were going to put on a 90 minute show i almost died. i was like whaaa? but sleep? but it was good and i got distracted. but looking back on it, it was really great. and everyone had a really good time. so. A+. i guess i'd do it again. that should be the standard right? i know while i was standing there watching them at points i thought would i do this again? my ears ringing, feeling a little bit like vomiting from the base, wondering are my ears going to bleed? glad i didn't clear that ear wax out. why did i shower before this? that was dumb. i'm so sticky. oh i love this song. dance dance dance. is my dancing weird? are people watching my awkward movements? what am i doing with my arms? oh he's so going to come out here. i'm going to throw leslie on him. yippeee! the good news is that i still want to listen to their music. probably more so now. 

#oldladyproblems #loudmusic #whereismyhearingaid?

lions and tigers and ....

bears!

we sent erik's parents away on a romantic vacation to vermont for their anniversary. stowe, vermont to be specific. they left on saturday morning and didn't return until monday afternoon.

erik and i had a rager. party animals! all the time. just kidding. i think we went out to dinner and were in bed by 9. cause we're rockstars.

at like one o'clock in the morning erik sits straight up in bed and i instantly think oh man, he's sick. this is going to be miserable. how loving do i have to be? can i sleep through his sickness? oh man i hope he doesn't ask me to find something. because that's the kind of loving wife i am at one am. leave me alone. let me sleep.

no. instead he says, i think there's a bear on the porch. sleepy emily sleepy emily -wait, WHAT?

moving to the country is one thing, having a bear wake you up choppin' on your bird feeders brings a whole new meaning to the boonies.

we crept around the house afraid to startle it. we didn't want to scare it away! we wanted pictures. even if it was eating all our bird seed. slowly moving from one room to another trying to get a good look at it. erik somehow fumbled getting his camera. the first shot he took was straight glass. flash in the window. no good. did it scare the bear? no. round two. at some point erik was like hanging out the window trying to avoid the flash. probably not the best idea but whatev. so when we get to the point where we've had enough of trying to take dark pictures of a dark animal, we flipped on the porch lights thinking it'll scare him off.

negative.

erik rushed open the door and yelled, "what you doin' on my porch?" that scared him. that would scare anyone. erik's boonie accent is quite terrifying.

except it wasn't. hobo (as he came to be named- hobothias for his non acquaintances.) came back. with bobo (botharimeul). and they decided to destroy the kindling pile and fight in the yard and leave giant poops and walk through my garden and knock at the door to see if we had anymore bird seed inside. no bears. we don't. go home. you're causing a ruckus.

which they eventually did. after some more erik yelling.

only to come back thursday.

this morning

i always listen to the radio as i come into work now. they usually have some sort of prize related to sharing an experience of some sort which intrigues me. maybe it's because it's morning, maybe it's the laughter, maybe it's just my need to be involved but i always wish that i could call in and participate.

i did once. they asked what words do you sing wrong. i had two: 1. i used to sing, goooooooin' to the checkbooooook and we're goonnnaa gett marrrried. (i was probably 5-6 at the time i was singing this. now, being married, i know i actually got the lyrics right.) 2. my cousin, adam, would sing - FOOOOOORRMED IN THE USA! (which again, probably the right lyrics if you were conceived here.)

today they asked, what is the weirdest reason that you broke up with someone?

my response: i couldn't call him by his real name. i figured if i couldn't call him by his real name then i couldn't date him. we were friends first and i had always called him by a nickname so when the possibility of dating him came up and i had to think about omg. am i going to meet your mom and not be able to call you eric because that's so foreign to me? the kicker is - i married an erik. so..

i think the winner was definitely the guy who broke up with a girl because she couldn't make a left turn. they were always late.

how about you? what's the weirdest reason you broke up with someone?

random things that i've written on my calendar this month

so being surprised by my brother coming home early was both happy and threw an entire wrench in my monthly plans. thinking that he was coming in on the 5th and leaving the 26th meant i had lots of weekends to spend with him. what happened in reality is much different.
things i did do this past month:

• weird old people yoga with charlie
• russian dinner
• bowenwork/walk with mom
• fitbit!!! 
• oil change
• redhook tour with jake and erik
• fancy dinner (which was previously intensely discussed here) 
• amy reminded me: "be gentle with yourself"
• i missed the shoot em up party... 
• mom, dad, and jake went to ny for a few days
• i tried to make peace with april. but also expressed my hopes that he does NOT rush into anything. 
• breakfast with mom and jake. dad came home for lunch. i ended up walking my old road, finding dead baby turtles and cutting up my feet from not wanting to wear shoes for 3 ish miles.. 
• girls night with stacy and kathy. watched one day. i'm not sure if i'm angry about that or not.. 
• i ordered a rain jacket. 
• re-planted one of the gardens
• started scraping the house
• contemplated signing up for the redhook race series... maybe not. 
• erik started cutting down dead parts of the apple tree
• we got new plants: i got purple sage, voodoo, tiny purple flowers and alyssum. erik got magnolia and hydrangeas. i planted my seeds which i'm obsessed with: lavender, cosmos, red velvet and blue bachelor buttons? 
• i called the pd to find out about carrying a taser. apparently as long as you can buy it without a permit, you can carry it however you want. excellent. that being said i almost tazed a dog for being mean. (old and mean. and semi chasing me.) 
• oh i had lunch and a bike ride with shannon. 
• and i started jillian michaels ripped in 30 again. let's see if i make it to week two this time.. 

not an ideal morning

i woke up this morning earlier than usual. i had set my alarm so i would force myself to get out of bed and exercise before work. i don't know if because of this i slept like crap or i would have slept like crap anyhow but just before waking up i was dreaming about doing paperwork at work and getting yelled at for doing it wrong. terrible dreams coupled with unusually hot bed coupled with giant lazy fat motivation means i actually got up and did the workout. i did try to weasel my way out of it half way and i probably didn't put in as much effort as i could but i did it. yay!

so of course this change in schedule and the fact that today is tuesday, not monday, always throws me for a little loop. but no biggie. somehow erik convinced me to make his lunch. i think i drank less coffee than i normally would. but overall, ok start. 

which brings us to 8:05. ready (ish). i was rushing around (per usual): got my breakfast, brushed my teeth, got some more coffee, and ran out the door. (8:12)  two minutes later than ideal time but still with a bit of time (approximately 3 minutes) to spare so i didn't have to worry.  except, my car wouldn't start. because of all the hoopla of the rain or no rain (and i was trying to get old mcdonald's french fry smell out of my car) i had turned my car on to roll up the windows - got distracted, probably by erik and somehow forgot to turn off the car. just the battery part. it would be pretty sad if i had left the whole thing running and didn't notice. so my battery was dead. so weird and awful. and of course i don't have jumper cables. thankfully erik's dad had some contraption to jump start it. but definitely not the ideal way to start the day. 

  needless to say i'm not looking forward to the rest of the day.

conan

he's funny. and new hampshire. but his message... so true.



But the point is this: it is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It’s not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can be a catalyst for profound reinvention

http://www.vox.com/a/greatest-graduation-speeches?utm_source=nextdraft&utm_medium=email

a weekend to remember

so apparently my brother being home means everything in life gets more eventful. maybe it's just spending more time than usual with my family.

friday i got out of work early. friday was fancy dinner night. the whole time jake is here we have a schedule of what is supposed to happen. for example, wednesday we went to red hook brewery. it was great. (a three person tour.) friday - fancy dinner. saturday- "shoot 'em up" party. sunday - mom, dad, jake leave for new york. wednesday - jake's supposed to have dinner with april. friday - jake leaves.

jake apparently screwed up the plan. his first royal screw up was that thursday was supposed to be dinner with april. i'm not 100% on what happened but i guess in his drunken stupor on wednesday he asked april if she'd like to come to dinner with the fam on friday. without mentioning this to anyone else. so when he ran it by the rest of the fam (i.e. me and mom) we shot it down.  so then he had to explain to april why she couldn't go and from what i gather his explanation had something to do with the fact that mom and i hate her. so when i walked into my parents house on friday and caught him in a fierce texting scenario drinking coors light - my immediate reaction was - we need to get you better beer.

i tried to help. honestly, though i don't care for her, i really don't know her well and was looking forward to attempting to be a better person and hanging out with her on saturday. but i could not tolerate her and my family squished in a car for our hour and a half ride to work. plus i felt like she would be competing for jake's attention and the whole night would be awkward. -- her side of it, from what jake told me, was that he apparently was taking his family's side over hers and it was frustrating to her that he didn't put her ahead of his family. typical girlness. whatever. this isn't even the good part of the night.

so dad was supposed to be home by 4:00; he was home by 5:30 ish. mom was supposed to be home by 5:30 at the latest; she was home a little after 6:00. our journey didn't even start until 7:00. i made it a whole 45 minutes before wanting death to befall myself on the ride. eventually i texted april and said my whole family is nuts. i'm sorry. i hope you can come tomorrow. (she apparently in her anger was not going to come to the shoot out party and wanted us all to have a sit down at a neutral location so we could talk it all out. AND she could only do this while 70% of the family was in new york.)

we got to the restaurant around 8:30. my bed time. by 10, it was clear that not only was i driving we weren't leaving any time soon. so i had coffee. by 12:30 we had more than officially closed down the ENTIRE restaurant. (i'm not even going to get into the absinthe drinking.) so we head on our merry way. me driving my mom's new car which is completely opposite of everything that i'm used to - 2 hours past my normal bedtime. in need of gas.

guess what? at 1:30 in the morning no gas stations are open. that's ok. besides negative nancy (dad) in the backseat, jake completely passed out (did i mention he had texted me at 6:30 in the morning to ask me my feelings about april? yes, he was up at 6:30. why? because he hadn't gone to bed yet.) and mom keeps insisting that her car can make it home on whatever amount of gas we have. so when i went to hit this button that would tell me how much farther we could make it- and the car went into "energy saving mode" and shut down... i pulled into the break down lane. attempted to restart the car. to no avail.

less than 5 minutes later there's a cop behind me. obviously after my explaining to him what happened - he asked if i'd be drinking. (because my cheeks were red. i was like dude. my cheeks are always red.) so it's 1:45 in the morning. i'm out of gas. nearest gas station is 8-10 miles away. my brother is sleep talking. my dad keeps telling me all the things we've done wrong and this is never going to work out. my mom is .. i don't know being my mom. there's a cop asking me if i can call anyone and both mom and i are like - CHAD. i think i attempted to call chad twice, charlie once, but like normal people they were sleeping. oh and i had next to no service. (i'm thinking why can't this cop just go get me a gallon of gas and we'll be on our way? -then again, i'm pretty sure he was probably the only cop on. you'll see why in a minute.) the cop calls chad. i have to explain to him that he's calling  a cellphone and therefore chad cannot hear him saying "chad. this is officer so and so. pick up the phone." about 10 or so minutes later chad calls me back. the moment he does- my phone starts beeping that my battery is dying. thankfully the cop is on the other line, tells chad where we are and chad saves me from my murderous rampage. actually. i wasn't really on murder yet although if i was - my dad would have been the first to go. i was contemplating how far i could run before my legs would give out. how long would it take me to walk to alton? probably forever. did i mention i was wearing 4" heels?

so that's the story of how chad saved my life.

did i mention the fact that the cop had to leave us because there was a horse in the highway that he had to go take care of? this is one of those "you know you live in new hampshire when" moments.

oh and how i waited all day the next day (80% sleeping) for erik to finish working on his jeep so we could go to the shoot out. only for him to have his worst day ever: jeep in pieces, parts don't fit, stung by a wasp, 2 hour job going on forever... so when he said he wasn't going. i broke down. i couldn't drive all the way there again by myself. i was an emotional wreck anyhow. he thought i should just stay home. which i did. after calling my brother and then my mom to explain that i couldn't make it. my mom texted me. april is here. crap. i forgot about her. hope she doesn't think i'm not there because i hate her. "please come." my loving husband at this point takes my phone away and calls my mom - tells her we won't be there. sometimes it takes me a really long time to see why he does the things he does. especially because i'm always the person who will do everything because that's what people ask me to do. and that's how marrying my husband was the best decision of my life. and how he saves me from myself all the time.

another great article

this struck me:

"Clothes are here to make us look beautiful, not the other way around. We're pretty resistant to trends."

how true it is that often we are trying to dress to stay in fashion. trying to attempt to make our bodies fit what society thinks we should look like or dress like rather than staying true to ourselves and dressing for our own bodies. i'm gonna make more of an effort to dress for me.

remind me i said that.

"And maybe that's the ultimate French beauty secret: We don't freak out too much about age. Wrinkles and little shadows under our eyes don't really count. Of course, if anything bothers us, we'll take care of it, but never within the fantasy of getting back to an age of innocence and naïveté—we just enjoy what we have without questioning it too much. As long as each day is lived to the fullest, we have nothing to regret—only to be thankful for the beautiful women we've become, inside and out."

http://www.marieclaire.com/fashion/garance-dore-french-style

April 30, 2014

round one: so i left shannon at walmart (after driving all the way to newington and back) and got all the way to the rochester airport when my mom texted me (around 5:15) that i was supposed to pick up my dad at walmart at 5:15. i had already called him to find out if he was already at adam's. and called adam to tell him i was on my way and to get directions. then i tried my parent's house, my dad again... and then i gave up and 5 minutes later my mom texts me and tells me i'm supposed to be meeting up with my dad.and he lost his phone. so i turned around. - during this time i called my brother. i told him i had to complain about mom to someone who could understand my pain. i should mention, i never call my brother. so when he told me that he was at work and had to go i completely understood and that i had vented enough so i'd talk to him later.(i later found out that he was on a layover)  i decided once i finally made it to walmart i should check my oil (the whole time hoping a) i can find him and b) he doesn't leave.) i found him. he was like two rows away from where i had previously been. he later told me he saw me but didn't know if it was me or not and didn't want to beep like a crazy person if it wasn't me. plus he couldn't tell if it was really my car. so he just sat there. (the whole time i was driving there i kept thinking- well at least dad is used to mom so he's used to people being late. he wouldn't leave..) and almost left before i got there. anyhow, i checked the oil when i got there. -- 0 OIL. so we put in some more oil. and drove back to adam's talking about how jake was going to be picked up by mike, they'd probably spend a lot of time together, yadda yadda. 

round two: so we get there and i'm thinking oh man - krystal (adam's girlfriend) is pregnant. he proposed. she had her camera out and everything so i'm like this is gonna be big. he said "i do have an announcement, after you guys finish eating your driving down to boston to pick up jake!" honestly, my first thought was oh no. i don't want to drive all the way to boston tonight. ugh. with my parents. blah. yay jake but really? ick. then i thought, eh maybe it won't be that bad. - things you need to know about riding with my mom: she's a terrible driver, riding with her is like being on a roller coaster ride you desperately want to end. when she gets excited, she talks a lot. when she talks a lot, she repeats herself a lot. when she does this i get annoyed. when i get annoyed, i snap at her. when i snap at her she gets emotional. actually, she did ok with the emotional part but not ok with the not driving your daughter insane part. 

round three: we got to the airport and mom really had to pee. so i got in the driver seat and she got out to check to see where he was supposed to be coming from and pee. dad and i stayed in the car. no problems. finding people at the airport is super annoying. fyi. awful. texts/phone calls from jake. (during which i think the first conversation i had with him was - LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR!) mom comes back. we drive a little. mom gets out again. she gets annoyed even though i'm on the phone with jake. she keeps talking over me. she gets out of the car. i force her to take her phone. she's off for a really long time. dad gets out of the car. a cop pulls up behind me. tells me that i have to move the car. i'm freaking out because two of the people who are supposed to be in the car are no where to be found and i still can't find my brother. i loop around. alone. in a car i've never driven before. i don't' know how to work anything. windshield wipers included. i finally find my brother on the loop back. dont' know how to open the trunk. can't find parents. continue driving. find parents. ugh random stranger. (that happened.) 

round four: we talk/read texts from dog on the way home. end up at adam's again for beers. adam and jake talk about weird military things -since adam is in fact leaving for a month. mom continues to annoy me and bring up things i don't want to talk about. asking me questions i've already given her the answers to. wanting to talk about why i hate jake's girlfriend. trying to force me to sleep over and go to work from her house wearing the "weird clothes" i got (yes, apparently jeans and a cardigan is strange to her). needless to say, i was thankful to be headed home at 11:30, tired and alone and not having anyone to talk to. this morning, however, has been rough. 

update for march/half april

i slack. but forgive me because this month has been crazy busy so far.

let's see. in march i had lunch with my friend b. during which he told me that he was contemplating dating the daughter of one of his ex-girlfriend's friends. i think there's only like a 8-10 year age gap there.. and she's not legal to drink yet. i think that should be a deciding factor in who you date.
immediately after that i got the death plague. that was fun. i took like two and a half days off of work. miserable. but our friends brought me soup and tea and cookies and delivered it to my door. that was really sweet.
that didn't stop me from our ugly sweater party. there was too much prep that went into that to just let it go, even though by that point erik was pretending to have caught said death plague. faker.
so many stupid snow storms. (can you believe we had a snow storm last night? this winter is unreal.)
my friendtime with amy turned into her going to GG's memorial. :(
we had a family dinner with the T's since the majority of them could all finally get together. which ended in me, erik, ashley and leslie plank and wall sit battling.
erik started sappin. that took up the majority of our life. all he thought about, read about, talked about, researched, spent time doing... but i have to say it was worth it.
i watched moonrise kingdom with shannon. weird, interesting movie. suits us well, i think.
we made/attempted to make statement necklaces. and then i went out with the wine-o women. who didn't drink any wine. actually didn't drink anything but decided to explore thrift shops instead. it was pretty awesome.

while we're at it, i should probably say that some time during the end of march/showings of our apartment/beginning of april, we decided it was time to move. to o-town. another one of those things i thought would never happen (growing up anyhow. before i met erik. after erik and i got married i guess it became apparent that at some point in my life i would live in o-town). so whilst watching 6 year old twins, i started packing up my life in many many many boxes. (most for storage. so weird.) this month has mainly been spent packing. and working for ed. i did get a fancy new mug. this one to be exact:

and i love it so much. i had to order a storage closet for the attic because there's no closet in the room we'll be staying in. that hasn't come in yet. i'm only mildly freaking out that i'm moving this weekend and have no place to put anything.

i also ordered erik this shirt because it's so him. and i couldn't help myself.

favorite quote of the day

For me, being an adult means following through on my commitments. Being an adult means taking responsibility for my actions and not playing the blame-game with others. Being an adult means apologizing when I’ve screwed up, and meaning it. Being an adult means being open-minded and humble. People who possess these traits are the real grown-ups in my eyes, regardless of their age, job, relationship status or social standing.

I’m not sure if I’m a grown-up yet by my own definition (I’m certainly not by society’s standards), but I’m working on it, and hope to get there soon. -Caroline Dunaway

growing up is tough. 

month in review

or rear view. i'm not sure why that just popped into my head. anyhow,

i've been trying to keep better track of the things i'm able to accomplish in a month. mainly because i feel like time passes so quickly and there really isn't a lot that i'm able to pull into perspective that i've accomplished or done. it's like day by day everything is the same and when something happens it's just like, yea. done. whatever. and then someone asks me oh what have you been up to and i'm like.. oh you know. the ush. so i'm trying to stop that. i'm trying to remember things. even if it's just a sticky in my agenda book. BUT i realized i have this fancy little device that would be equally awesome to write in and therefore record my memories even if it's just a monthly overview. so here it goes.

(just to do a quick monthly catch up.)
january:

• erik became an unbatized publisher
• i had a talk with lindsey 
• i had a dentist appt (gross)
• i skipped two baby showers (#sorryi'mnotsorry)
• i went shopping with shannon and we made bracelets then we had a tazer party where we tazed a ham, then her husband (twice) and me in the leg once for a quick second (thank you huzz)
• i got to see amy! and i got a fantastic new coat 
• oh i think i was also failing at doing a squat/plank challenge
• and i went our with my wineo-women (mom, kathy, elena and danielle) and we visited flag hill

february: 

• i made soft pretzels from scratch 
• i had a gin martini with a twist and it was fantastic
• we had a clothing swap and saw kerry play at the wolfeboro inn
• so many snow days 
• i started zumba with charlie!
• we made wine bottle glasses
• i had a dr appt
• unicorn report
• erik had a dentist appt (so bloody) 
• we had a family dinner with my fam
• i got my hair cut again (yippee!)
• i went to a sewing party (first and probably last lol) 
• chad, charlie, erik and i went out to eat at the wolfeboro inn
• erik attempted to teach me how to do squats
• oh i took a personality test which told me i'm either an esfj or an isfj whatever that means... 

i know march isn't over yet but it's close enough.
in march, i:

• went out to lunch with bryan
• still haven't gotten haley her girl scout cookies
• or my mom for that matter (their both in my car probably not too tasty any more) 
• i had the death plague and andy brought me soup and fries
• ugly sweaters 
• we had a family dinner at the tebbetts
• i started working for the cpa again
• i watched moonrise kingdom
• we had a chinese dinner date and watched catching fire with the aldens 
• on another occasion charlie made us delicious black bean tacos
• erik spent 7 hours sappin'
• erik is officially obsessed with sappin'
• there is no sap due to the ridiculous lack of spring we're having
• when will it be over 30°??

things yet scheduled for the end of the month (aka next 4 days): 

• statement necklace making
• tea
• wineo woman continue
• they're showing our apt again
• the big purge of 2014

'murica

so i was reading this article (brought to you by i love lists on shutterbean)

20 Things I Learned From Traveling Around the World

(yes please!) which brought me to this article 

10 Things Most Americans Don’t Know About America

whereby we learn that america is not the center of the world. wahhhhhh?? 

several things struck me

#1  In our social lives we don’t say what we mean and we don’t mean what we say.

In our culture, appreciation and affection are implied rather than spoken outright. Two guy friends call each other names to reinforce their friendship; men and women tease and make fun of each other to imply interest. Feelings are almost never shared openly and freely. Consumer culture has cheapened our language of gratitude. Something like, “It’s so good to see you” is empty now because it’s expected and heard from everybody.

so true. i wish we could get to point where people could be honest with people. but it's so hard and frustrating and when you actually do want to be honest with someone you have to delicate walk around the issue. you can't just be honest with them. why is honesty such a slap in the face? stupid. 

#2 You don’t have to watch Fox News or CNN for more than 10 minutes to hear about how our drinking water is going to kill us, our neighbor is going to rape our children, some terrorist in Yemen is going to kill us because we didn’t torture him, Mexicans are going to kill us, or some virus from a bird is going to kill us. There’s a reason we have more guns than people.

we are sooooo paranoid. working in the job that i do, i hear constantly all the terrible things that could go wrong. and therefore, i carry a tazer. 

#3 people don't care about america as much as we think they do. which is obvious. why are we obsessed with ourselves? i guess that goes without saying. 

#4 i think my favorite part of this article was how he referred to america as his alcoholic brother. it's true. somethings you can only take in small doses. like when people get all 'merica! 

overall, great read. nice to be able to take your mind out of country every now and then. 

things that i learned this morning

what? yep. already learned something. guess that means this day can be overrr....

#1 my brother sent me this mug (i know. i whined to him about breaking my favorite mug and even in japan he's willing to help me through my sorrows. good brother.)
 hand warming mug

genius! so i sent it to my boss because - a) why not? b) we always have tea/coffee and our hands are always cold from typing and she advised me of this:

#2  the dribble glass apparently this glass leaks when you tip it. (she believed that the hand warming mug would have a similar effect.) (my first thought when i read it was when and why does this make you think of basketball??) how did i not know about this glass? it seems hilarious. so now i feel i must purchase one and give it to my brother when he comes home for an evening meal and yell at him for being a sloppy drunk when he dribbles on himself. oh the fun i will have... 

i have dementia

so this morning, i'm going through my emails. per ush. and i get this email about "emotional health". and one of the articles is 11 early signs of dementia. guys, i have dementia. specifically because of this:

Staring

“Reduced gaze” is the clinical term for the dementia symptom that alters people’s ability to move their eyes normally. “We all move our eyes and track with them frequently,” says Rankin. But people showing early signs of dementia look like they’re staring a lot. Rankin adds that, “they try to read and they skip lines.” This is one of the signs of dementia that the patient might not completely be aware of, although people around them probably will be.

http://www.everydayhealth.com/alzheimers-pictures/11-early-signs-of-dementia.aspx?pos=1&xid=nl_EverydayHealthEmotionalHealth_20140125#/slide-1

i do this all the time. i thought maybe i just have a learning disability i've dealt with. i also jumble my words and i hate reading out loud because i'll often read wrong or get overly excited and add in my own words. 

(i'm wondering if this could also be a sign of boredom though?) 

i mean, we've all obviously known there is something wrong with me. now we know. i'm a 28 year old (who really had to think about her age) with dementia. i need to retire and get in an old folks home quick. 

(just for the record, i do not steal things or eat random objects. sometimes i can miss sarcasm, but not often. i also often forget my words or make up words but i don't think that counts.  i don't so much fall as i do run into things [mainly walls]. i'm super empathetic so that will be a clear sign if that ever goes. i'm rarely embarrassed. [good or bad?] i'm not really compulsive or technically bad with money. i just don't have any to work with. i obviously should do a yearly update just to make sure i'm not completely losing it though.)

an ode to my favorite mug

this mug had a life before me.
i can only imagine what kind of life it must have had.
i found it at the hospital fair.
it was $.50 and perfect.
i'm not going to say i love san francisco.
i've never really been.
but i loved the bridge and the shape and the graphics from possibly the 70's or 80's.
or 60's. i don't know.
it just looked like someone thought, i'm going to get this in memory of my trip.
or because i love my city so much.
or maybe they just liked it like i did so they got it.
it was the perfect shape.
round but strong, firm, steady.
just the right size.
for just the right amount of coffee.
i can't tell you how many times i've reached for that mug since this summer.
it just made me happy.
until yesterday.
when it fell out of my hand as i was climbing out of the car.
after a terrible day of crazy busyness.
after everything else just seemed out of place.
it fell.
and broke.
and before i had even realized how much i loved it,
before i reached, on my hands and knees, under my car to pick up the remaining pieces,
i tossed that first piece into the dumpster.
because i thought - live simply, don't be attached to things.
then as i'm crunched down, reaching for that remaining chunk of my favorite mug -
i thought, but i could have saved you!
so i ran to the dumpster to see if i could retrieve the piece i had already thrown out,
but it was gone.
i couldn't see it in the dark.
it was too cold to try to search anymore.
so in the other piece went.
i have other mugs.
but none that i'll miss as much as that one.
it was special.

i don't even have a good picture of it.

none of these come close.