figuring it out

i feel like i should really have my mother tell this story, as it is hers-- but knowing her and the household that she lives in i feel the need to share it myself.
my mother is crazy. she's definitely my best friend and a huge source of compassion and love. honestly, i don't know what i could have ever done without her. i definitely would not have grown up to be the hippy, sarcastic (whaaa me??) fun loving, roll with what life gives you (when i can... which isn't often because i've usually already planned it...) person that i am. who else would pack up a perfectly good life an move across country to see if you can help out a friend?
that being said, my mother is insane. and recently, she had a spout of the unknown. she was miserable and didn't know her way out. she worked at a job where she hated the people she worked with, she and her boss weren't seeing eye to eye and she was coming home every night miserable and looking for some sort of outlet.
when she found it, the people around her who were used to the normal, fun loving, caring, easy going woman were surprised to find a different sort of crazy. it wasn't fun anymore.
thankfully she lost her job and when she did, she was able to refind herself.
she took her time. she sorted through the things that she really enjoyed in her life and the person she wanted to be. she was completely unemployed for a long time. during this time, she got to catch up with friends, learn new skills, learn reiki, and discover who she really wanted to be. she now has the absolute perfect job. she works with people she likes, that understand her, that don't judge her, that accept her as she is.
that's my mom's story... at least the part told by me.
what i don't understand is.. why should we have to wait to find this? i mean, my mom's not old or anything but it's taken her up until this point to find herself. when am i going to find myself? do i have to wait for something awful to happen? or work years at a job i hate? what is it going to take for me to find me? what i love and what i want to do? and where would i start looking for this? i've been pretty blessed to have "good" jobs my whole life. whether or not i like them. the pay is still ok and they still have benefits... i'm not getting left behind or struggling... but i'm also not doing what i want to do and i've never had the opportunity to figure out what that is. my whole life has been planned to this point.
high school, college, degree. now what?

update: this is what my fabulous aunt carol anne had to say...
Hmmm. That's a tough one. I can say this, though. If you get the mental/emotional/self-esteem/people pleasing/insecure/do I deserve it?/can I do it?/my parents are fucked up (speaking of my OWN personal experience) and fucked me up crap - you are 99.9% on your way there. Clear out the crap. And then tell the world to look out. Because, girl, there is NOTHING you can't do. I'm not just saying that - I mean it. Believe it. You are every bit as smart, funny, clever, charming, endearing, resourceful, intuitive, problem-solving as you (secretly) know yourself to be. Don't hide it. Go for anything and everything you want! I wish I hadn't taken so long to find that out for myself. But I had a lot of baggage. Drop any baggage and take flight!

the get the hell out of tx list

this week marks the last time i will ever have to pay rent in texas... at least lubbock tx.
and as this makes it the last month that we are going to be here, i, being the annoying planner that i am, am sorting through a list of things that i still need to do while here.
if you blog it, it must be so.
SO... here i list the things i still need to accomplish before the big texas peace out:
#1 send out amanda's birthday present
#2 let candace know so i can figure out what to do with the bed
#3 pack clothes/stuff can't fit in my tiny corolla and send to madre
#4 hardcore celebrate steve's birthday
#5 have a tx bachelorette party with the girlies
#6 clean out that nook under the stairs
#7 send out thank god you don't live in tx presents/packages to friends
#8 write resignation letter
#9 let landlord know we will no longer be living in this fine establishment
#10 set tx on fire... oh wait, i didn't mean to say that... (out loud)
#11 eat Chocolate Stampede at long horn.... make side road trip to find amanda and put her in punisher headlock if deems cannot-live-without-good.

ok so i can't think of anything else at the moment... let me know if i'm forgetting anything

the still yet to recover from the illness of unknown magnitude blogger takes on redbox... and loses

once upon a time...
oh crap wrong story.


uhh.. yea so i don't know if i've previously mentioned this or not but, as living in tx has always been a temporary fix, erik and i never felt the need to really settle in here. we have the absolute limited of furniture (most of what we have is rented-- except for our tv.... ); we don't go out much as to not invest our time or money in the real world. this is like playing house. we can pack up and leave at any time. and we will in five weeks... not that i'm counting.
anyhow, the point of all this is that we never got cable. seriously, who needs it? (or so i thought) instead, we have netflix. and when that takes too much time, we have redbox.
i don't know if anyone else has seen the wonder that is redbox, but it's magical. for just one dollar i can pick from a limited amount of movies and get them at my relatively speedy convenience. and it's just a dollar! this has been my life for the past 5 months. i think erik and i have spent more money at redbox than any where else. except the grocery store. (how can you spend so much money at the grocery store every day and still have no food?!?!..... venting, sorry...)
side note: i'm a small town girl. not journey, people. this is real. i'm from the middle of no where new hampshire, born and raised. when home, i have to drive at least 30 minutes to get to the nearest walmart (and they just put that one in, much to my mother's chagrin.) the nearest grocery store is at least 20 minutes (which probably accounts for part of my hatred of grocery stores...) and i can't even think of the nearest pharmacy or walgreens/cvs/brooks type place is...
our road used to be dirt. in the town itself there is a "general store", a town hall, and a library. we have two cops and i know for a fact that they go off duty at 2 am.
--un-noted side back--
so, when erik and i aren't feeling well and just want to lay around and be lazy-- we need to stock up on movies and what better way to do that than to go to your nearest redbox and get every movie you ever thought you never wanted to see.
well, the problem today was that (being as it has been 5 months) erik and i have seen everything at our local redbox. i, being the brave and daring woman i am, decided to venture out to a redbox that had said movies yet to be watched. problem being, said redbox= across town. which wouldn't be a bad thing if i was in nh where there is only one or two places to go... no i'm in lubbock tx which on it's on has 17000 walmarts, 80 walgreens and 43 million other places of choice. i go online, order said movies so you suckers can't get them before i get there (muahahahaha), and truck off to find the walgreens of choice.
i went to three different walgreens today. i got lost twice. ventured to areas unknown, only to find that i ordered movies from two different places. and when i set off to find place numbre deux -- redbox laughed at my mistake and said, hey you idiot, did you use the wrong freaking card or are you just dumb and have no online pick ups? or worst yet, did you drive all the way out here only to find that this is not where you belong and you just waited behind that creepy guy who probably got blood creek and is looking for his next fix for nothing? yea you did. go suck it up and get back in your car. sob pathetically. and find the next walgreens.

stupid redbox. these movies better be worth it.

time for more dream analysis!!

ok, so i just woke up from this dream. first off, i was going out to dinner by myself. erik apparently didn't want to go... so i was going to this italian place... that turned into a grocery store. i hate grocery shopping. with a passion. so my way to avoid having to go there is to get everything i could need in one visit so i don't have to go again for a long, long time. (when i was living on my own, this worked wonders. i would go shopping once a month... just side note.) so, of course, while i'm there i'm shopping for some essentials... and while i'm doing this mild shopping, i run into this woman who remind me of my friend jenn from home (older, but still super fun; married, not necessarily happy all the time; caring; this woman wanting to look out for me).
so we're walking and talking.. she's picking up random things... apparently she wasn't too pleased with the fact that erik wasn't with me and told me i should grocery shop with her on a regular basis... which is when i told her i was moving (apparently we had moved back north at this point, cause i told her i was either moving back to tx or some place else) and money was tight because i wasn't working... she told me all the reasons i shouldn't move but i'd heard them all before and she told me her husband worked for a call center which i thought was strange because there aren't any call centers up north... she also told me she didn't work but her husband didn't know that...so when he came around to talk to her about the groceries... obviously not pleased to be there... i asked him about what call center he worked for and what he did....everything he said came out in a reallllyy thick accent so i had no idea what he actually said.. but then later when he's walking me outside to show me how we can see his golf course at his office from here i can hear/understand him fine....
and this is where it gets weird... i get that he's pretty high up in this call center... at first i thought he was taking calls (good looking guy with salt and pepper goatee) but then he told me about the office and his golf course which we go outside to see a bunch of golf balls and construction cones set up on the side of a mountainy hill blocked off by a fence...and he has two calves... one is a bit bigger than the other and they're knocking the set up golf balls down which i inform him and he yells, "hans! svenigan!" and then we jump the fence/ go through the door (i don't know.. it's a dream remember?) to go to his golf course. he tells me there that the smaller one sleeps in a heated room in the office to keep him small but the other one (hans, i believe) sleeps outside with him. he also calls this one duck for some reason. from there all i remember is trying to sleep outside and having this huge baby cow/yelling duck trying to snuggle with me.
which maybe because that was the end of my dream and erik was cuddling up... not that he's a cow or anything. dreams are weird.

ok people! analyze me! let me know why in the world i'm so messed up!
and if you try for one second to tell me to stop playing farmville, you are out of luck my friend.

the gloves are off, but i still have both my ears

i'm not feeling very insightful today. or energetic. or well much like anything.
i am, however, feeling like at some point last night i was in a boxing match. and i lost.
my alarm went off this morning like it should have yesterday, but didn't. waking me up an hour earlier than usual and taking full inventory of the pains i was having -- i can't wait to go to work today.
this is me: head in vice. jaw locked. back (obviously due to multiple kidney punches) broken. my mouth been through a texas sandstorm, with my head out the window and tongue hanging out. glands, swollen. and best of all, bloated. and trust me, no it is not that time of the month.


don't worry folks. yes, i have a degree in this. you don't have to be sad because your drawings aren't half as good as mine.

as i'm explaining all this to erik all he can say is: well, how many boxing matches have you been in?
me: plenty.
..................... i can wii box like a champ.

a love story

i have a love/hate relationship with my computer.

we've gotten quite close these last few years/months especially. erik and i have, as i'm sure i've previously mentioned, survived the last few months with limited items at hand. we do have a ginormous tv, but no cable. we have a ton of space, but no furniture. the pleasures of living life in transition.
this, however, has made my computer my sole source of entertainment. i want to listen to music- itunes, pandora. i want to work out- google something/youtube. i want to watch movies/blog/do sudoku/read/etc... you get it. we're tight.
the problem is... my computer... well, have you ever seen sin city? where only she can get her hunkadunk truck to run? it's kinda like that. my computer is like a scared kitten. do anything and you'll freak it out.
press the wrong button... it'll crash. press too many buttons at once? it has a heart attack, freezes then crashes. read ashley's blog (sorry, not picking, just mentioning... ) with more than one tab open, blue screen of death. just saying. i don't think ashley has some curse out to get me as she, too, is stuck in this state of wonderment called texas.... but then again, i don't know her that well.... hmmm...
i don't blame my computer for being born with vista. i blame myself. as a consumer, i should have run the appropriate tests... but i was young and in love with the color yellow. (actually truth be told i bought my computer in yellow because at the time i had no clothing that was yellow and therefore would be able to pick it out on my floor before i stepped on it...) i'm sure they've already found a cure for this ailment, (not my messy habits-goon, what do you take me for?) but i continue to just take my time.. type slowly.. only do important things one at a time as not to overwhelm... i like to think my computer is teaching me patience. that is, of course, until i find myself into a whole slew of money and then ADIOS!

my brain needs an automatic starter

so i recently watched julie & julia. during which the main character states "i could write a blog. i have thoughts!"
that's not why i write a blog. i write because i have no thoughts. i forget things. quickly. every day leaving work and i thank god i have an automatic car starter because otherwise i would have NO IDEA WHERE I PARKED MY CAR. it's true. it's sad, but true.
one day, i lost my keys for 15 minutes thus making me late for my very important job of answering your phone questions. i found them in my purse.
i forget my phone. even if i leave it in front of my face. i could have it in my hand and ask where it was. can you imagine if i had glasses?

part two of my relationship to julie:
i have no power.
at my job, you call me. i'm not allowed to hang up. you can say whatever you want to me, you can scream, insult my mother, you can make suggestive comments (which has happened thank you very much mr. ka$hmoney-- no i will not be emailing you), basically you can do whatever you want and in the end, i'm still responsible for asking you if you are satisfied and your issue resolved?
i sit at my cubicle and scream over my opponents an coworkers--trying to get the best scores and the best feedback. the truth of the matter is, i probably can't help you. you don't know how to work an iphone? why the hell did you get it? you went over your minutes by talking to your new bf in greece? not my problem and i am DEFINITELY not happy that you called in today to complain about your service. again, it's part of my job description to lie to you. this empathy, fake.

so please remember when you call, just tell me what you need and i'll pretend to make it happen. if i tell you i'm happy, that's because my brain was shut off and i can't find my keys.

typical

typical conversation between me and erik:

him: that's gonna make you burp
me: nuh uh
him: you'll be burping kielbasa for days
me: ...
five minutes later
me: buuuuurp
..... ok fine you were right.


i hate when he's right.

dreaming up a new life, or just an excuse to not go to work...

first and foremost, happy mlk! who else gets to work? yay, non-nh!!

but truly, i had this dream last night where i was at my parents house and we were having some sort of party with all the neighbors and my mom was trying to convince me not to go to work... or maybe in real life i was trying to come up with some useful excuse to not go to work today so i decided to dream one up...
but it got me thinking, what are all these crazy dreams about? i mean, i can understand thinking about how you would want something to be or thinking about different scenarios but seriously... some of my dreams are truly messed up.
one time, and this dream has haunted me for YEARS, i had this dream about 4 lobsters. well, two lobster couples. the lobster guys bought their lobgfs jewelry or something, but the lobgfs were like-- dude that ain't good enough. so they went to this store to pick out new jewelry but i was at the store trying to pick out a wedding cake for my friend who wasn't even engaged and i decided instead to try and get the smallest cake with the most amount of frosting.
can this really be something that's passed on through generations, too? apparently my grandmother, mom and i all have strange dreams like this all the time too... does that mean there's something wrong with us all?
where do these thoughts come from? i swear, i don't think them up on purpose. and if i did, why am i not committed? and why do they all attack me at night? and can anyone else explain how you can dream about something and have it come true? cause that's super freaky.

ugh. maybe it was too early to blog. sorry about the rant.

three out of four ain't bad? or is it?

things i learned yesterday:
i'm an asshole
wineries tend to be in the middle of no where
olive garden's soup and salad is not a complete meal if you plan on going to 4 wineries in a row
if you're male and saw star wars 3 times in theater, knowing a lot about wine should make up for it
laser tag is awesome
erik will never learn how to two step
anyhow, this is how it went...

this is the creepy van the followed us after we left olive garden.this is kaylee. our excellent driver for the day. we were not lost at this point. just in the middle of no where. and then i t so i made this face:

this is the middle of no where.
the dead bird that we saw at almost every winery... what's up with that?
llano... our only actual tour of the day
this gift basket pretty much sums up my
our tour guide

thus ending our trip to llano and we made our way to cap rock
i'll leave out the dead bird photos here... mainly because i think the cat ate most of it
and then we were drunk


so erica had to take communion

there's another winery in here but i'm sick of posting pictures and it's taken me all day so i'll just finish with this... this was the end of winery number two-- winery number three got a bit out of control. i wanted to steal a dog, we demanded pictures with everyone and kaylee and the wine taster guy started doing cheers. from there we went to the place of laser tag where i apparently asked some guy if he wanted to sleep with erik and responded to everything with nods of the head until the pizza soaked up the shot i took when we got there.... i suck at drunk laser tag..... then we went to wild west where erik learned how to be from the west side from steve.

and then erica got a lap dance...

pretty much a rowdy good time. and all day today i've been paying for it. worth it? yes. definitely. do it again? in a heart beat. i guess texas does have it's good parts. they're just hard to find.

oh and it's been decided that this is going to be our picture for our save the dates:

what do you think?

!!!!!

i've been excited for today all week.
today marks my first real girls day out since erik moved down here and i get to do it with the only two girls here i've met that are 100% real. kenda (see lesbian lover from bar night 101) and kaylee, bff stolen from day one at att and my sole companion in the fight against the new shift/manager.
we are not only attempting the impossible -- hitting all FOUR of lubbock's wineries (i know, i know. not impossible but starting the day off with a slight wineover from the night before, this light weight doesn't know if she'll make it...) but then continuing the day of amazingness by going (and i swear if i don't get to do this i might cry) GLOW IN THE DARK golfing and laser tag?
these girls are going to make all my dreams come true. no joke.
and the weather's supposed to be great.

will update tomorrow with (most likely) pictures of our drunken debauchery... if i remember.

reasons

reasons why i moved to tx:

hated my job at the bank
nothing really going for me
had no boyfriend, no hope of relationship
gallery work was going no where really-- although i was continually getting more and more responsibilities. all seemed mundane.
i worked 2-3 jobs and could barely keep up with all my bills
rent here= cheap (and the give you random free things like internet or first month free? what's up with that?)
i had a friend here who i thought i could help
i needed a change
nh=been there done that
family was a bit overwhelming
basically nothing new, i loved my friends but they were always off doing their own life thing and there wasn't much else for me there. my family is great but they always seemed to want something from me. every guy i dated was blah to the extreme.
oh and i could wear flip flops all year long. no snow. no cold weather and no shoveling!

reasons why i want to move out of here asap:

i met my fiance before i left nh and we're both now stranded out here in no man's land
don't like the change
working a job that's worse than the bank... some days..
tx= been there done that
couldn't help friend
i miss my overwhelming family
nothing to do here, nothing new
commercialized gun carriers
i miss my friends
it's hard to plan a wedding from a different state
and it freakin snowed here! like a lot. i came here to get away from the cold and away from the snow. i didn't even pack any scarves. it's been like in the 20s and 30s. i know that's better but i wanted like 75 all year long. maybe i should move to hawaii?

just because they decided to make my day a little worse...

so, i already had one blog going for me today but i can't keep this to myself.
as is previously stated, maybe not so bluntly but---my job and i, not a match made in heaven.
things are expected of me that i believe to be ridiculous. for example, i can't just take care of your problem.. i must also AS A REQUIREMENT show that i am empathetic to your issue. i'm sorry (and this is nothing against certain purse pukers) you found a way to ruin your indestructible phone or things didn't turn out exactly as you wanted. i'm not a magician in a call center; my life is not to please you or solve all your issues.
worst than having to be the most perfect call taker ever known to mankind--
today i have to bring in a potato and eat it with my coworkers.
this job has included my hatred of grocery shopping with my disgust of having to be fake to make ends meet and my fear of eating foods random people bring in.
thankfully, i have training for most of the day so i won't have to be kind to strangers who are just using me for my skills at adjusting their bills... just the strangers that i have to sit next to and yell over for the next month and a half...

whaaa me? yes, please.

so i was going to write this blog about how excited i am to have been accepted! and how 20sb is super cool and like facebook for bloggers and how happy i get when i get a comment on my blog and how i must be super obsessed cause i'm starting to think in blog...

... but then i had this conversation with my friend about what i've been up to and why i hate texas and how it's over commercialized and chain restauranty and there's not connection to nature.... which got me thinking:
is it possible that the reason why i hate this place so much is because i have no real connection to nature?
now, growing up with super hippy parents (mom mainly) i was saving trees and planting recycle gardens by the time i was 6. when i was nine, i ripped down all the orange things that they mark the trees that they're going to cut and made a poster to explain how if they cut down the trees their children weren't going to be able to breathe. is that part of my problem here? i can't breathe?
when i was 16, i went to my first peace rally. now, i'm definitely not an extremist or anything. i haven't been that much of a naturalist or anything. i wear deodorant and shave my legs. i like to think that i'm nature aware not really nature conscious. i definitely don't recycle like i should... now all i can think about is what a nuisance i am...
but could this be why i feel so out of place here? i wasn't raised to carry a gun, in fact i don't think people should be able to carry guns every where. there's a sign on the outside of my work that says you can not bring guns in. is that because we're all trapped in there with our little badges? and because customers sometimes make me want to kill people?
so basically, every thought that i've ever had about the world and how i thought it should be is contradicted here. why did i move here again? what is wrong with me?

UPDATE!

my funk has passed.
funny how that happens. last night, i was wretched. i came home and i didn't want to talk to erik at all. i had had a horrible day at work (probably due to my original funk).
actually it wasn't even that horrible. what was horrible about it was i got a bad score on a post call survey, which means that someone got off the phone with me that was not happy with the results i gave. the problem is, i wasn't done with the call. i was in the process of connecting her to the group that could help her. i had to get them on the other line so that i could get her the best help she needed.
new manager only cares about scores. this is the first time i've ever gotten a score that was lower than a 5. which is perfect. so i got reprimanded. told that i obviously was only thinking about going home and wasn't helping the customer.
i hate being told what i was thinking or doing. you could ask me. i would tell you. you don't know me after 3 weeks of listening to me talk to customers. ugh.
but that was the bad part. the rest of my calls were fine. i had a generally good call day. but the fact that i didn't get the support that i was hoping for brought me home in tears.
i was miserable all night. i didn't really eat the dinner erik made me. i cried in the shower which i rarely ever do. just basically way overly sensitive.
but some how, randomly, for seemingly no reason--- i snapped out of it. and now i'm back to my normal happy self. i'm excited for the weekend. i don't mind that i have to go to work again. and i'm optimistic about today bringing me a step closer to not being here anymore. :)

.... and i'm reading the little prince. that might have something to do with it. i love that book.

blah tuesday

i hate starting out a day in a funk mood.
i feel like when the people around me aren't in a good mood, i take it personally.. another problem of mine. i don't know what to do, or how to get out of it... (minus the obvious.)
yesterday, i took a mental health afternoon. i thought that would help. but with mopey around for the afternoon as well, it only spiraled my semi-good-semi-needing a break from reality mood into disaster.
i've been stuck in a rut for almost 6 months. and i'll stay here for at least another 2. i need to find a way out even if not physically. i'm wondering if they make drugs for this?
i need to find happy people who love me to surround myself with positive thoughts but in this area, they are nonexistent.
and dealing with more people who are negatively impacted in this current situation is only making it worse.
yes, that means you erik. though, you're not the only one.
i know this sucks and i know it's my fault. i also know i cannot change you, your mood or your attitude toward our current situation. i wish i could. i wish i could find some thing worth while here to get us through the next few weeks. but i can't.
i find myself repeating that serenity prayer just to make it through the day...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

and i'm not even religous! ugh. work time. yipee.


EDIT: MOPEY'S NAME SHOULD REALLY BE PRISON 214-211. sorry for the mistake.

how to stop worrying?

so this is something i've been dealing with for a while now. i'm not exactly sure when it started but it's become an addiction and now i don't know how to stop it. most of the time i don't even realize what i'm doing...
for example, my friend bill and i drove cross country last (was it last? maybe two) year. the whole time all i could think about was when we were going to get to our next destination. what our next step was. if we were going to have enough money to keep going.
even now, and maybe now it's because i have absolutely no control over what's going to happen next but, i'm constantly thinking about the next move. i think and i plot and i analyze. i worry about money. i worry about boredom. i worry about my boredom and erik's. probably more so erik's because i feel responsible for him being here. i worry about what my next move is and whether i'm going to be doing the right things with my life. i worry about doing well at my job even though i hate it more and more every day. i worry about us leaving here, even though we hate it so much. i worry about where we're going to go. i worry about us moving back to nh and the people we might run into. i worry about living with my parents again. i worry about the wedding we haven't planned and whether i'm going to run out of time.
how do i stop this?
if you look up articles on worrying, they give you advice on what to do to aid your worriments or to just tell yourself to stop.
if i don't realize what i'm doing how am i supposed to stop?
heck those are only things that came to mind in the past minute.
i've even been to therapy... seriously. that didn't even help me. how to i stop doing this every day? stop counting down my life and start living it? how to i let myself let it all go? and worst of all, how did i get this way to begin with?





i blame college.

how to start your new decade off with a bang

you could....
stay home, drink champagne and swing those noise makers. kiss your cat and go to bed.

or you could do what i did...

now to start this off, i was not raised in the south which means i probably don't say sir or ma'am as much as i could and i have learned to ignore those who annoy me in order to continue with my life and i do not allow people at bars to push me around.

that being said, erik and i were going to have a nice quiet evening in with some friends. we're not much into smelling like an ashtray due to the bars here and it being nye and everything i didn't really want to deal with the crowds.... but our dear friends kenda and steve invited us to this bar called crickets to join them and meet steve's dad jess and his gf darlene so we decided what the heck... it is new years after all...

crickets, much like most bars in tx, is huge. so we got there and just by luck steve was walking out with a purse... no he did not steal it apparently he was "bringing it to the car" but he told us where everyone was and they had scored a pool table which was cool because that meant we wouldn't just be awkwardly staring at each other talking about work which is part two why erik does not enjoy bars in tx.
(i find it really strange that here, the majority of the 9 million people who go to bars have a seat and they have a normally heightened table. in nh, you're lucky to get a seat and if you do it's one of those awkwardly high tables where you have to jump down from and even though you're sitting there's still someone standing at eye level having a conversation next to you because they could not find a table... )

anyhow, pool was fun. i strangely kicked ass which is awesome because i forgot about how much we used to play at amanda's. but i'm only good when no one is paying attention.. like i purposely screw up so that i'm not too good so people take notice... but actually it's an accident. strange i know....

kenda had been getting drinks for her, steve, jess and darlene so i decided to help out carrying because seriously if you're not a waitress you just don't have that many hands and i'm sure they frown upon you stealing trays.

midnight came, we cheered, drank our apple tasting champagne and continued on with our awesomeness of fighting for our pool table and trying not to hit the asses of the people who kept getting in the way from nearby pool tables.

round two of me and kenda getting drinks was probably the highlight of my night because although this situation has happened many times, the results have been different.

we were waiting at the bar for the bartender's attention and instead sparked the attention of some drunk dude. kenda, being the sweetheart that she is, allowed for causal conversation but after his "i like blonds" comment she quickly went to plan b. "i'm a lesbian. this is my girlfriend." now, if i was a lesbian-- i would be bad ass at it as well cause i don't really know how to do things on a smaller level. and there is no way in hell this drunk bastard was going to mess with my gf so i assumed the roll. he continues asking her questions like "what's it like?" and "i thought that only happened in ny" obviously interested in the comment rather than backing down.

which made me more aggressive.

i pulled kenda and switched spots, knowing my years of practice in ignoring would allow me to be able to get this guy to leave us alone. unfortunately, he was not getting the hint-- as he continued asking his stupid questions and why did i switch with her and something about the circle of life. he kept pushing up against me, like by becoming closer he would be able to get my attention more. to which my response was to push him further away and tell him to respect my personal space.

and this, my friends, was the first time i single handedly (with kenda's help) got a man kicked out of a bar for being annoying. my life has been mastered. i can retire from bardom with a new respect for bartenders (female ones at least).

now i must go to my knitting and puzzle making.

dead bodies/mutated creatures/erik's love of fallout not the band

just out of the sheer need to tell someone about this occurrence but the fear of actually verbalizing what just happened-- i need to post this blog.

as has been previously stated, erik loooooooves video games. which i accept and love about him. what i do not love is this current game that he's playing called fallout. i feel that all the characters are like creepy dolls and the plot is post apocalyptic and everyone is distorted and disturbed. but that's beside the point.

giant cockroaches and mutated men who look like distorted versions of my friends husband aside:

erik just killed this old man who was apparently evil and was only using him to get a book--(which is fine, nothing out of the ordinary to kill a sweet looking old man who was only asking you for a favor....)

what was wrong was that he then proceeded to pick up the body and place it back into the chair while it was missing his head and his gooey head/neck bits were all over the place. even more wrong is that he then proceeded to look for the remainder of his head bits, scattered amongst the house.

and he wonders why-- someone with a fear of clowns, hatred of dolls and general distaste for mutated creatures unless they're neat like if a unicorn and a teddy bear had a baby but it was miniaturized and became fat like a hippo and lovey and rolly polly--- i dislike this game.

muahahahahahahahaaahaa (evil laugh)

i have officially declared my evil plan as proposed by this website.
here it goes:

Evil Plan (tm)!

Your objective is simple: World Domination.

Your motive is a little bit more complex: Love (Yes, it works)

Stage One

To begin your plan, you must first seduce a pope. This will cause the world to sign up for life insurance policies, amazed by your arrival. Who is this despoiler of all that is good and nice and true? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good in a corporate suit?

Stage Two

Next, you must obliterate new york. This will all be done from a floating fortress, a mysterious place of unrivaled dark glory. Upon seeing this, the world will spontaneously combust, as countless hordes of mean english teachers hasten to do your every bidding.

Stage Three

Finally, you must tauntingly wave your time machine, bringing about an end to sanity. Your name shall become synonymous with fuzzy bunnies, and no man will ever again dare refuse to be your prom date. Everyone will bow before your mystical abilities, and the world will have no choice but to fall madly in love with you.

now, you must live in fear for my arrival. :)

the epidemic of the white vehicle

so even though i haven't mentioned it per se, i'm sure it's been understood that there is an outbreak here in lubbock, tx. i swear it's a disease. and it starts with the color of your car.
actually, it probably starts in the womb but the car is where it's most noticeable.
i swear, every person here has lost their ability to think for themselves. people who are from here, love it here and could not imagine ever wanting to go any where else. i don't think they even visit outside of tx. if they do, they'll go as far as new mexico; think everything is the same every where and come back with a new sense of pride.
the people who are not from here originally get locked in to the cheap prices and fast food and are too sucked into this idea that this place really isn't that bad. maybe there's some brain washing that you can only overcome if you aren't that into football. i don't know but i do know that it's scary.
i'm more proud now than ever of where i'm from and the northeast's ability to allow freedom of thought and diversity of culture. it looks like the only way to rebel against this bible belt culture is to be homosexual and even then the only thing to actually do is to drink until you vomit crazy colors..
i'm really trying hard to not count down the days and hours and minutes that i have to stay in this state and remain positive for 2010's sake. but every day, i pass by this school, apartment complex and just random people's houses and i can see the plethora of white vehicles, i'm reminded of the inability for one to make their own decisions here. how the only thing that matters is status and who can drink the most, and how i can not wait to see cars of a different color.

i just fell in love..

watch this

i haven't even seen this movie, but after watching this, i know i have to..

goals for 2010

i just read this blog: http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1JHmS6/www.lifereboot.com/2010/10-things-i-wish-someone-told-me-10-years-ago/ (thanks to amy for finding stumbleupon.com... love it!)
shaun discusses his previous year and the top 1o things he wished that someone had told him 10 years ago. that's fine and mighty but one thing that he mentioned that he does is create a list of goals each year... i like this better than the word resolutions so i'm going to list out my "goals" for this year.
goal #1: get the hell out of lubbock. i don't know if this place is really as bad as i think it is or if i'm just bitter because of everything that's happened, but i know one thing. i need to leave this place. erik and i are trapped. there's nothing to do, everything is commercialized, materialistic and bland all at the same time. there's no flavor here, and if there is flavor it'll land you in the bathroom. we've completely exhausted our list of things to do in lubbock: drink, drink at a bar, go to the movies, watch movies or eat at a chain restaurant. done, done and done. now get me out.
goal #2: this is going to be a bit more difficult since the other part is mainly planned already- just needing to get out of this lease and need the funding for it. goal #2 is to plan our dream wedding. now as i've stated before, i'm not the type of girl that already had their dress and location already picked out. i didn't think this was going to happen for another million years but i met the man of my dreams and now i can't wait to be married and spend the rest of our lives together. i think once we're out of this hell hole it'll be easier to plan because that can be the main focus but i do want it to be the best day of our lives (to date at least).
goal #3: to read more. actually i think this may have been on the list of "resolutions" last year but i didn't even think of it. i'd really like to read eat, pray, love before i get married since she warns people against getting married before the age of 25. ( i'll be 25 two weeks after we get hitched) i feel like there's a whole world of knowledge out there and i've only begun to really look at it.
goal #4: find some place and begin to settle down. i know that sounds easy but living some place for over 6 months where you know you aren't going to stay is hard work. you don't really have a home, living in transition. you don't make the friends you need, you don't do a whole lot because you know it's only temporary. now erik and i are moving out of lubbock, where we hate and do not want to be and have not made a home in the least, to move in with my parents so we can save money and plan our wedding without having to worry about making rent and any other troubles that may occur... but that's not our home and we're definitely not going to stay there or make ourselves comfortable. by the end of 2010, i'd like to know where we're going to be and know that we can stay there and buy things and decorate and make friends without being like -- oh you'll have to visit when we leave.
goal#5 : and with the previous goal, i'd like to work some place that i like. that i enjoy. that i don't get up and dread the next 8-9 hours and can't wait for any time off. now, my job is great if that's what you're looking for, but it's not me. it's not what i want, i'm not surrounded by the type of people that i enjoy being with... i liked that about my previous jobs at least. this is work just to make conversation with these people. ugh.

i think those are some pretty hefty goals. i could make some easier goals to make sure i hit them like, continue posting in my blog, don't get sidetracked from what i want to do, continue my gratitude journal, write a book, make sure i do my laundry more than once a month... maybe those can be goals part two. that list will be a bit longer. i'll have to keep that updated...

for now... goal #1 is my biggest concern.