my brother is leaving on monday, commence period

ugh. my eyes are raw from crying. i don't know how this starts but i can not stop crying. i'm fine. i'm fine. i'm fine. and then i have to say my brother is leaving for boot camp and i completely break down. it's boot camp for crying out loud!

it's the beginning of the end. my worst fear is that he leaves and sees something that he can't unsee, or loses his spark, loses the person that he's become. he's only 18 and they are going to change him forever. and probably not for the better. well, maybe. he's gonna grow up and quick. 18 is too young to commit to something for the rest of your life.

my brain is in a million places right now. there's been so much that has happened. so much that has changed and i haven't had a chance to process any of it. maybe that's life. maybe there is no processing... but could we please slow down? i'd like to be able to hang out and show my brother my cool new apartment and make him dinner and kick his butt at playstation move. before he becomes a drone.

it'd be really nice if i could stop crying long enough for all those things to happen. but i don't know if i can.

me.. now...

since my last entry my whole life has changed. who am i kidding? since three weeks ago my whole life has changed. and it's taking me a moment to catch up.

me now, married, working, living in wolfeboro, new bed, about to have a new hair color...

i have a husband. i love him dearly. but is it possible to love someone so much and fear that you don't know them well enough? i mean, erik gets me. i like to feel that i get him but sometimes i get so insecure about our relationship. he seems distant and i have a panic attack. that's normal right?

change is good but it's freaking hard. and challenging. and tiring. i've been sick for almost a week. i can't stop coughing. i don't know what to do. i have this knot in my stomach since i found out that erik and his ex-girlfriend are now friends on facebook. which is ridiculous because he not only married me but it's freaking facebook. not real life. i guess that worries me because they were together for a long time and i'm afraid she knows him better than i do, or gets him in a way that i can't because i wasn't there for everything she was. she's always freaked me out in this relationship. because she was there first and longer. but i'm going to be here forever so i guess i need to just take a step back and calm down.

other news.. i'm working at a law office. i've been here for about 3 months now and have no idea what i'm doing. and they left. my boss and his wife, the paralegal, they left and i'm stuck here at the mercy of the phone attempting to answer questions for myself and others. i have no idea what i'm doing but at least it's just me.

yesterday i spent the whole day filing. today, i haven't done much of anything.


it's probably going to stay that way too. i'm supposed to be meeting my mother for lunch and i really don't want to deal with her. she's emotional because i left and jake's leaving and everything's changing. well, i'm dealing with enough of my own stress, mom. i can't take yours too.

but i'm baaaaaaaackkk...

somebody call the whambulance.

this is getting bad. the more i'm home the more i want to be out doing things. when i said i wanted time off this was not what i was expecting. i guess i should have been more clear. having time off is one thing, having time off without a car... very different.
even looking for jobs it's pointless because i have no way to get there. every job that's available is at least a half an hours driving time.
i'm still really excited to take classes but i don't know if i'll be able to because i don't have the money.
planning the wedding is some what useless because i have no money to do anything. it's five months away. we need to purchase or make our invitations asap and i can't do anything about it because i have no money. and no way to make money.
i'm wasting my days here. i know what i want. i know how to get it. i don't know where to get a car to be able to get it all started.
things like this were easier in texas. maybe because i was the one with the car. maybe because i had it all sorted out. but mainly because things were closer.
i wouldn't want to go back there in a million years though. we're so much happier here even if i have nothing to do. we have friends. we have people who know us and places we know where to go and what we're going to get once we're there.
it just sucks during the days when i'm trapped here all by myself with nothing to do but watch tv that makes me feel fat, eat crap (which is my own fault and problem) and look for jobs i can't get because they're too freaking far away. this is my life.
welcome to my pity party. tea for all. but i ate all the cookies so deal.

really?? really?? you think you can do this? doubtful.

so it's official. i've decided to go back to school. and here's the kicker: i've decided to go back to school for a masters in occupational therapy. my goal is to one day incorporate everything i've learned about art history and occupational therapy and perhaps help children deal with the stressful times in their lives through interpreting art but that's getting ahead of myself. first i'd just like to help someone. and not by completing their phone needs. actually helping someone relearn or learn how to do something for themselves.
now here's the real iss: going back to school means a lot of things. getting off my ass for one. and going back for occupational therapy means i have to get my loans in order, get the classes i need in order to get into a masters program done; it means getting my gre (eeeekkkk!) and getting my head back in the game. and i'm hoping it means getting some freaking scholarships this year because there's no way i can pay off everything i have now and top it off with some more loans.
i'm currently looking into classes i can take online. i'm looking into going back to unh to take some classes there because they are ranked 24 for best schools for occupational therapy but they have degrees that are attached to occupational therapy masters programs already so i can't help but think i'm starting behind. i haven't taken my prerequisites. i have taken every gen ed i would need but not the right science courses and i've never taken an occupational therapy course in my life. this is going to be fun.
i need to talk to someone. i need to get started. i need to do it now. i just need to know where to begin. fuck.

my own mistakes

in owning my mistakes i guess i would have to really think about the things that i've done in my life.

i've definitely done my fair share of binge drinking, drinking to forget, drinking as an escape or excuse.

i feel like i've also stepped on a few of my friends. starting in middle school. i would stop talking to people i didn't think were cool enough to hang out with. i had this friend nicole. before we started school we hung out every day. i got irritated with meegan because she ditched all of the people she went to school with to fit in with the cooler kids and here i was, no longer talking or hanging out with nicole because she's goofy and fun and perhaps a bit immature at the time and i wanted every one to think i was cool and sexy and put together and nicole probably could have caught me in that lie. so i pushed our friendship away. just like what was later done to me by amber. although she went the extra mile to tell everyone that i wore padded bras or something completely embarrassing AND stopped talking to me. forgive emily forgive.

i did the same thing again in college. i don't know why. this time it was melissa. bill wanted us to be friends but she started hanging out with me all the time and at first i didn't think it was so bad but then she was learning my passwords and in every aspect of my life in an overwhelming amount. rather than talking to her about it. i stopped talking to her. she defriended me on facebook. she was nice and always there for me when i needed her but i didn't want her as a friend.

i'm still holding a grug against my friend's brother who committed suicide or was murdered last summer because when i was little he would go into my bedroom (i was 6 he was 13) and take off my shirt and play with my nonexistent boobs. my parents only found out because i didn't want to go to dance class one day.

same as my step grandfather always wanting me to sit on his lap even though i was 12. i guess some of these things i didn't really realize were wrong at the time but i never had a good feeling about it.

i feel like i've used guys for sex just as much as they are supposed to use women. i've used guys to fix my car and take me out to eat when i had no intension of doing anything further with them. i've used my appearance for anything i can get from it. and i feel insecure some times now because i wear my engagement ring and people don't look at me the same. i need to feel more secure with me and who i am and what do that makes me happy.

i get uber independent when i feel i need to be, but when i'm in a realationship i tend to lose it. i tend to depend on others happiness for my happiness even though i boast my independence at any chance. i need them to be happy for me to feel happy. i need them to be satisfied for me to be satisfied. my Independence tends to come at a disregard for others and i can't mix that and a relationship so it's like a toss up.

other mistakes: i've cheated and lied about it. i bullshitted papers in college rather than actually doing the work i should have and perhaps then i wouldn't be in this predicament now because i don't feel like i deserve a good job in my field because i didn't put in enough effort. i don't really put a whole lot of effort into anything i don't know i can get because i'm terrified. that's why i've always dated guys who were less attractive than i was or needed me more than i needed them. except for dan. and now erik. they're the only two people i've ever been with that i value their friendship as much as our relationship. and i fucked things up with dan. but i guess that's how it was supposed to be.

i take my parents for granted. i take everything i've been given for granted.

i still think in blog

sometimes when i'm just sitting around, i still think about what i would say if i was blogging. i haven't been blogging. no, i haven't been abducted by aliens. we finally got wireless internet at my parents house. i guess it's only been a week but it feels like a decade. i'm going insane. every time i tried to open my blog my computer would crash. i thought it was a sign but now i'm just thinking my computer hates me again.
all that time that i was asking for, to figure out my life.... i got it.
now i spend my days watching csi and cleaning the house and resenting being a stay at home. i want a job. i want money. i want a car.
maybe i just really want the second two.
i like not having much to do all day. although, i'm getting to be quite bored.
sometimes i plan my wedding but there's only so much i can do without a paycheck. sometimes i look for jobs but i've finally decided what i want to go back to school for so i just feel like everything here isn't what i want to be doing. i don't know what i want to do now. and it doesn't help that i'm living in the middle of no where without a car that i can call my own. i have to revert back to relying on everyone for everything and it drives me crazy. and then it drives me more crazy because they think i'm not doing anything.. which let's face it. i'm not.
i guess another summer of waitressing is in my future.

god save the queen

ok, so now i'm completely crazy... and lost.
and out of the loop.
i've moved back in with my parents to save money for the wedding and the whole just moving back thing and i'm going a little insane. it's not the rentals themselves. they've done nothing but niceness. cook, clean, organize, allowance! who wouldn't love that at the ripe old age of 24?? but i'm trapped. i don't have a job yet, which i've only been here a week so i guess that isn't too bad. my car has this weird muffler sound that erik can't fix because he would need a lift. we don't have the money to fix it and therefore we can't get the stinkin thing inspected. (which if we were still living in az we wouldn't have to....)
but the worst of it is... there's no wireless internet here. and two gaming consoles. TWO. i'm odd man out every time. i'm trapped and lost and i can't get my internet whenever i want. therefore, i've been blog free for far too long. and i don't like it. i miss my world.
when i don't blog, i stress. i think about what i could be blogging if i could only type. i think about my stinkin' wedding planning that's going no where and yet it's only 6 months away. i think about... well, let's face it. i don't think much about getting a job.. who would? but i do think about what all you people are up to that i'm missing out on.
basically, i have everything a girl could ask for (family, friends and food:) but i miss my world.