i can't tell if i'm super irritable/anxious due to pressing deadlines, my period (which i'm not even 100% sure is due yet... i should really start keeping track of that...), or jenna. impending doom.
this week has been rough. i see a revised draft of a letter and i start to freak out that this is the third or fourth time i've had to revise it. programs aren't working right for me. i got up this morning, happy but wishing i could stay in bed. blew a circuit because we had two coffee makers running. got dressed, looking pretty cute. then for the second time since wearing this top, i spilled my entire cup of coffee all over the place. seriously, i'm walking out to the car - i have my ipod (which needs to be charged), my purse, my toast/breakfast and my giant travel mug of coffee in my hands. i open the door, put my coffee mug on the roof of my car and it spills all over the roof, dripping down into my open car door, my ipod falls on the ground, my toast is wet. coffee on my shirt/skirt/cardigan/shoes. so i did what any rational person would do. i cried. no i didn't. i wanted to freak out and quit my job and never leave my room again. but that's not going to solve anything. so i picked up my ipod, put my toast in my car, shut the car door. i went inside, assessed the damages. not too bad. i can handle a day with limited coffee on me. poured myself a new cup of coffee and headed back out. today can suck it. i'm winning.
this of course is followed by my coming into the office to have a mini-anxiety/meltdown. normally i love having a lot to work on. i love having work waiting for me on my desk because that means i don't have to pretend to be busy or do any of those other things i really should be doing but am not. like filing. or billing. blah. but seeing this letter revised again and corrections that i should have caught staring me down. my anxiety starts bouncing off the roof. and the impending doom of knowing that at any moment jenna could walk in the door and scream my name in that high pitch happy voice that sends my nerves to freakouttown.
so i'm sitting. it's not even 9 am and i've already gotten two documents accomplished. no one else has arrived yet. thankfully. i wish they would all take the day off and leave me to my peace. instead of my countdown til school starts, this year it's my countdown until their fall vacation (25 days of bliss). and then hopefully til second semester when they realize that homeschooling is a bad/impossible idea. and i can leave my car with the peace of knowing that i can walk through the office and no one will ask me "hello emily. how ya doin' emily? can i help you with your work? can i do your hair? can you play with me?" with these words, my uterus shrivels up into a dust heap. perhaps my body blames jenna for my complete and utter non-desire for children and that's why the thought of coming to work sends me into a full on period symptom mess.
* did i mention i'm pretty sure someone used/opened my umbrella that i leave here which i'm not even sure where it was at my desk and has left it on the front floor? why, people? can't a girl get any privacy/alone time?
oh. is that the real route of my issues?
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