killing myself

last night i couldn't sleep. i couldn't sleep because all i could think about was how my next weekend where i don't have plans is in mid-november. i laid there thinking about how i was going to get everything done and what if anything i could get out of doing. and as i lay there more and more obligations/things i had to do to get everything else done popped into my head. the worst part is that this is all completely self inflicted. why do i do this to myself? i came to two conclusions: fear of missing out and fear of letting people down. i want to do everything. i really do. i can't. physically/mentally, i exhaust myself on a regular basis. obviously. i spend my nights awake staring at the moonlight thinking about all the things i have to do. i want to be there for everyone. seriously. i wish i had no friends and then at the same time i fear that i'm going to have no friends because i can't be there for everyone. will people forget me? think less of me? be mad at me? i don't know. if i just had more time... i'd fill it with other things to do. somebody stop me.

here's a look at my next few weeks/months:

• saturday- i'm hiking mount washington! i'm excited. it's been on my bucket list forever. FOREVER. and i've been working on it all summer, building up to the big hike. and it was either next weekend or wait another year...which would probably get pushed another year or another year or another year... so i'm biting the bullet and doing it. that being said, i was not planning on it. saturday was the only day i would be able to do it before mid-november and mid-november it would be far too cold for me. i don't have the gear. so saturday it is. which means, tuesday i need to figure out what trail we're going on, what time we're leaving, where we're meeting and wednesday i need to get food for the hike, prepare my bag and figure out what i need to bring/wear. it also means, i should probably do my long run on wednesday too because i won't be able to do it saturday or sunday. which in my sleepless brain, loops back around to wow - i haven't been to the gym in a while. i should go to zumba on monday. or i should cancel my gym membership. i should probably cancel my gym membership. i never go. but then when would i see charlie? ok, go to zumba monday, run 3 miles tuesday morning, meeting tuesday night, wednesday - long run, grocery store - wait when am i going to go out in service this month? that should probably come first. but i'm already out of time. moving on...(oh i think i have to make dinner on wednesday too... what on earth can i cook? i don't have any food... when am i going to go to the grocery store? where am i going to get the money for all this?) 
• oh hey it's my anniversary! four years of married bliss with my wonderful husband embarks on the 18th. which reminds me that means it's lori's anniversary this week - wait, tomorrow. yep. forgot that one again. i wonder who else's anniversaries i've forgotten. i used to be so good about these things. ok, my anniversary. that means i have to get erik a present. check. since our anniversary is on a thursday we won't actually be able to celebrate til the weekend. no, emily. you have no time to get your hair cut between now and then. no, you absolutely cannot make plans with anyone else that weekend. you'll be gone every other weekend from him anyhow. ok, well at least spending time with the hubs means possible down time. and maybe dinner out. chaching. (oh and as for running/working out - fitness cruise the 15th which means no zumba.. really need to cancel that membership (i think that guy hates me right now anyhow... i don't want to talk to him. maybe erik can cancel it for me.), run tuesday, wednesday, thursday - 9 miles saturday... maybe i can squeeze out 10. i wonder how tired i'll be from hiking mt. wash?) 
• two weeks down, tuesday the bosses leave for 25 days. that means there's going to be a ton to do both before they leave and after they leave so it looks like i got things done while they're gone. i hope they don't ask me to take care of their chickens again... they won't. you don't have time. that's the end of the month already. made plans with amanda. i only haven't seen her in a year... since her wedding. shoot i should probably get them an anniversary card. and a new house card. check. maybe i can just add a happy anniversary to their house card. that would be easier. oh remember you have to run a 5k saturday too. i'm either going to have to go out in service on wednesday afternoons or sundays. maybe if i go out sunday, erik will go with me. ha. probably not. i'll talk to lori. she said she wanted to go out more. oh and your 5k has to be the fastest ever. i wonder when i can fit in some speed work for running. maybe i can add that in at 6 am. no. i can't push my body to do anything more at 6am. i'm going to have a meltdown. ok. i'll just run it as fast as i can with no speedwork. they'll get over it. there's always next year... so 5k, then amanda's? or amanda's friday night, then 5k? probably 5k first. i need to call mom. 
• october. already. which means oktoberfest. which means money for food. company at the house. dressing up. run 10 miles. at least. maybe 11 if i can fit it. oh and maybe i can squeeze in service that day. maybe. i wonder when erik's going to stop working for the season? oh and at some point i was hoping to get up to castle in the clouds to see what the course is like... that may or may not happen. 
• columbus day weekend. kathy and dave's wedding. ugh i hope erik goes with me. if erik goes with me, i know it'll be an earlier night. which is fine. i'll probably need it. i wonder if i'll have that monday off. the bosses will still be gone. what am i wearing to that wedding? can i wear the same dress i wore to ashley's wedding? will anyone notice? probably not. plus i don't have any time to go shopping.  i hope they don't ask me to do anything for their wedding. like make something. i'm terrible about saying no. 
• pete and katie's wedding. the only thing i wish i could really get off of my calendar. where is this wedding again? the middle of no where. i'm probably going to have to drive myself. i think it's like 2 hours away. but i'll have to be home kinda early and amy and andy will probably stay until it ends. i have to go to the meeting the next day because it's the last one before the assembly. i still have to send out that card that says i'm going. am i going? i should probably go. i haven't seen them in forever and it'll be fun. it'll be nice to see everyone. i wonder where they found this place? oh i guess it's only a little over an hour away. that's not so bad, i guess. i hope my car passes inspection. i need to get my muffler fixed. i hope i can just get it patched. when am i supposed to save money again? oh maybe as i'm driving to their wedding i can check out the course for the race... the wedding's at 2.. which means i have to leave by noon thirty probably just in case. maybe amy can come over. no that would be a super pain for her. plus andy will probably have to leave early to get ready with the guys. i wish we could hang out before the wedding... i don't know how that would work. oh man how am i going to get my 11 miles in that day? oh i hope katie and pete are having their mail forwarded to their new address. 
• assembly. natick, ma. one week before my big race. i'll have to run on sunday. hopefully i'll be able to meet with the brothers to go over the questions in time. i haven't heard from anyone. i guess that's fine. i haven't really studied this week either. i should have stuck around longer on sunday. how is today only monday? 
• race day. technically it's sunday. which means i'm definitely going to miss the meeting. ha. i wonder if mom is still planning on doing the fun run. i hope she doesn't expect me to do it with her. i doubt i could run 14.6 miles. heck. i'm freaking myself out so hard with the fact that it's going to be super uphill anyhow. especially the end. who planned this course? how can you have the last mile of a half marathon completely uphill? that's just not nice. why did i sign up for this again? 

and that's that. i feel like there's probably 14 other little things. things that i haven't even thought of yet. i wonder how long my hair will get in another eight weeks? i wonder if i'll ever have time to cut it again. why does work have to be so time consuming? why do all things have to take place on my short time off? can i put my gym membership on hold? i'm hoping that putting this all in writing will take it out of my head and i'll just be able to work through everything. .... in my dream world.