something new

yesterday was really a hard day. actually most days have been hard lately. basically since the child has been home schooled my life has been a bit of hell. not only do they not leave at 3 like they used to, but it's also 9 - 5 of yelling. yelling, fake anxiety attacks, freak outs, clarinet playing at a pitch that cuts right to my weak stomach... i don't know how anyone is making it through this.

when i finally went home, my poor husband did everything he could to make me feel better. everything. he's so wonderful. i got home and he had cleaned the living room and put all his stuff away in the bedroom AND made the bed. and he let me complain about how dumb my day was. and yet i still couldn't shake it. so i took a long, long shower -hoping to wash it all away. and when i came out, my dear sweet husband had made me dinner and poured me a glass of wine. we watched the news, studied, drank more wine and i still couldn't shake it. i knew i needed to run.

so i packed my bags, got up this morning thinking - maybe i'll just lay here. but bart was annoying me and i wasn't sleeping and i knew i wouldn't feel better until i had worked through some of this junk. and off i went. it's nice being up and out of the house early. i don't know why i don't do it more often. it's quiet and peaceful and i know i'm not rushing.

i was worried because i have gone to the gym before in the morning and it's been pretty busy. specifically the treadmills. i was happy to see that there weren't many cars.

i've been struggling with running lately. i don't know why. the first mile, mile and a half i was good. i felt good. i felt like things were really working their way through. after that though i felt more of a struggle. i had a hard time getting through the rest of my run. i think in part because i didn't want to be doing it anymore. i don't know why but this time around i've really just wanted to give up on my runs. i walk a lot of hills. i haven't been getting any supplementary runs in. just my long runs. which is probably not helpful. and a hill comes at me and i wimp out. i ran 8 miles wednesday at my parents' house and it's not so much my time that's bothering me because that ends up being just about the same but it's my general inability to keep myself going. it's like i see the hills and i just give up. anyhow, that's not why i'm writing this. i'm writing this because:


TODAY I TOOK A SHOWER AT THE GYM! that was a first! not something i ever thought i would do. but i did it! and the whole time i was thinking i wonder what gym etiquette is for showering at the gym? are there rules? should i have worn a bathing suit or something? i was semi worried the whole time that someone was going to see my boobs. why is the shower curtain white? can people see through it? do i get dressed behind the shower curtain? (i did) what about my feet? should i wear flip flops? ( i didn't. i probably have athlete's foot.) thankfully no one came in while i was in there so a lot of my questions remain unanswered but i feel like i conquered a fear of being naked in public today and that seems ok.